Common theme from some recent posts AND my thoughts on facing our demons

[Neil_1]

Hi all

I've been thinking (oh great I hear you all wail - especially BB moderators as they will now have to wade through this before it gets sent) and you know it's not that bad a past-time - 'thinking', although it does tend to hurt after a while, but maybe that's just me.

Stick with me people as this could be a worthwhile read (even if I do say so myself).

Last week I visited my psychologist for my latest appointment.  As always, I had written down a number of dot points on a page, but this time I didn't even get to open that and the hour flew by as they always do.  She focussed a lot of the time on me confronting some of my 'balloons of depression'.  At present we're steering clear of the major balloons (these are of the hot air variety that people ride in - they're "that" big) and we are focussing on the smaller ones that I have;  the ones that my psych believes that I can address, beat and overcome.

Her method is for me to meet these "head-on" and this is where I tie this in with a number of recent posters who have written saying that this is their method as well.  (Holy batman Neil, is it only NOW that you're realising this is one of the main ways to combat our illness!!!)  Maybe it is, maybe it's not.

A while ago I was so close to going back to bed and if not sleeping, to lie there in a state of comatose - but I thought no, bugga it, I'll do a couple of things and I won't be dragged back to bed by my illness.  So I've prepared some food and I've tidied up a couple of spread sheets that I have things to do on and then I've come here.  After this I'm heading to the garden to do some tidying up out there.  My psych was telling me that I've got to keep focussed on doing things.

Example:  It's been approximately 5 years since I last hosted a cards night at my home.  I used to do that twice a year with a group of mates ranging from anywhere between 5-7 guys for cards, beers and little wagers to make it interesting and they were always a lot of fun.  But I cannot do those anymore for fear, for nervousness, anxiety, stress of having people in my home.  MATES!  Can you believe it?   So we broke it down and went through each aspect of holding one and at the end, I might be able to try for one again. "Might".  At least we spoke about it.

I wish there wasn't a word maximum cause I've got so much in my head that I want to get out and feel I haven't touched on so many things.

Confronting your fears, your stressors, your anxieties - breaking them down for what it will really mean if we do that.  And following on from that example, say if I did hold another evening like that - they'd come around, we'd have beers, cards, no doubt a little bit of banter about the footy and other mindless chatter (not that footy is mindless!!) and I'd wake up the next morning knowing that I had gotten through something like that.  A little win.  Or perhaps it was a big win.

On the down side, she noticed within the first 5 minutes of our appointment that she said that "you're much worse at the moment aren't you?"   I said, Yep, no doubt.  I reckon I'm getting worse as I get older.  My stressors are increasing, not only in number but also size and power.

I don't know people, I did have a lot in my mind that I wanted to talk about, to share, but now I'm just feeling empty again.

As I've said to so many newbies on here, that it really DOES take an effort to come on here and write - and write about yourself.  I think it's so much easier to write back to "others" in their threads.

I'm tired now - and it's not even midday yet!

Thanx for listening (stupid Neil - it's a website, it's "Thanx for reading"!)

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

I have written a fair few posts today, about myself no less. It certainly does take something out of you. Maybe we need that piece of us extracted, so the rest of us can relax or feel less stressed. Maybe it makes us worse because it takes those things and puts it out in the semi public. Cue anxiety, right? That is probably a discussion for another time or god knows this thread will turn into 'Neil and GA wreak havoc on the mods by using up all the character count'.

As I said, I have written quite a bit today, particularly comparing to recent history so I don't know if I can do your post justice but I will try.

My psych has offered the option to challenge my perfectionism. I said I'd think about it and the session where I'll have to answer that is coming up this Tuesday. I haven't done the homework- I have avoided thinking about that topic as much as I can. THe entire thought of me going out and doing something not perfect and not trying to make it perfect fills me with dread. The kind of dread and horror some people may have involving young children and sexual predators. That one idea- that maybe not being perfect is good enough terrifies me. I find it completely abhorrent.

At the same time I know that it isn't helping my depression or I. It is making it worse. It is just so ingrained into me, from a young young age that near enough is not good enough. I remember in high school, year 8 or 9, having the semester report sent home. I saw that I got an A in English and was proud of myself (that phrase even feels alien to type). My dad picked it up and asked why I got a D in maths. I pointed out the A, but he said it wasn't good enough. I shouldn't be getting D's.

From that moment on I never wanted to show him a school report again. As if knowing this, he went out of his way to open it before me, make me stand next to him while he read it and berate me for my flaws.

Near enough has never been good enough, not for me. I believe everyone should hold themselves to their own standards. So if someone shows me something they have done, I don't critiscize it for being not perfect. That part of my brain- the Perfection Scanner that automatically scans everything I have ever done, doesn't even kick in. If they are happy with their work, then I am. If they aren't, I will help them make it better until they are.

So it is myself I judge harshly. I know that but knowing doesn't make it better. Knowing doesn't change it. Every spelling mistake, every misplaced stitch or even the thought I have an illness like depression, or even a sprained ankle screams in my head. It says that I am not perfect. If I were perfect, I wouldn't be sick. If I were perfect, I would have finished my degree. If I were perfect, I would have a well paing job now. If I were perfect, I would have made him proud.

If I were perfect, I would be good enough.

So how do you face things that are so ingrained into you, that you do them without thinking? I don't have an answer to that. I don't know if I have done your post justice. I am pretty sure I just ranted without prviding strategies or methods.

I'll send this off anyway. I need it off my chest. The mods need some work, too. 😉

GA

[tc]

Neil, thank you so much - and yes, it WAS a worthwhile read.  The way you described how focusing on smaller issues and overcoming them is an effective method resonates with me.   How you prepared some food, worked on spreadsheets and went into the garden.  It feels so great to achieve something positive, constructive.  And the achieving alleviates the self-loathing.

I experience the same thing.  And also, when attempting a larger issue, my energy levels often desert me and I fall flat.  It seems to be part of depression.  We intrinsically know what to do to help ourselves - after all, we're not stupid -just depressed - however the nature of the illness often makes it difficult to carry out what we know will make us feel better.

Starting to feel as though I'm rambling .... have had a relapse of sorts and finding it a challenge to regain my psychological footing.

Thank you for taking time to write that post .......... you thought it through very well and it has resonated deeply with me.  And others, as well, I'm sure.

Thinking of you all.  And may you find the strength to face this day and achieve something positive for yourself

T:)

[scorch]

Hi Neil

It absolutely does take a lot of effort to write on here, and to be perfectly frank, it takes a lot of effort to do everything else that someone without a mental illness takes for granted.  I think that your post addresses it perfectly and is for sure a worthwhile read! 

My big problem is I tend to avoid doing anything that feels difficult or takes effort, because I feel like such a loser and get so crushed when I fail.  The trouble is, when we do that, what starts out as something small can turn into something huge.  And then I get so overwhelmed by what is in front of me, well, it becomes an even bigger issue in my mind and I end up feeling like a giant, stupid failure anyway. 

So that is why I think it's so important to at least try some things and hopefully they'll become like a habit - and no longer seem so scary/difficult/overwhelming.  Like the way you're helping me with my exercise and weight loss regimen... that was a huge deal for me, and now it's starting to be less overwhelming because you've helped me break it down into easier-to-accomplish goals. 

The other part we need is supportive people around us.  We can see what we need to do, but if we try to put all the pressure on ourselves and never share our struggles with others - when we have a bad day, instead of being able to go to someone to unload and get perspective, it just goes around our heads and seems worse than it really is... so we give up because we don't think we're strong enough to deal, or we don't want to get hurt further.

But having support helps us to pick ourselves up and try again, even though we're bruised.

I hope you can find the stregth, energy and hope to try to organise a card night again soon my friend.  It sounds like it would do you good and you would have a fun time.

*hugs*

[oneblackdog]

G'day Folks

I don't come here often - for reasons mentioned above > it's too hard to face my demons, but am kind of glad I did today, kind of....

My new dr is an older bloke who asks me the hard questions, and asks them over and over - "why?", "how do you feel?", "what do you want to do about it?", "why do you do that?", "why don't you...?".... he's not into coping skills or medication, he's into solutions. And it hurts. But I know it's the only way for me. I've known this for many years. But done nothing about it, because I'm scared... Those 18 years of anti-depressants... many, many were wasted - because I wasn't pushed on the HARD questions, just pushed into more and more medication - maybe it kept me alive, but not much more.

It hurts. Or is it the fear of the hurt? Dr would say it's the fear, the ultimately irrational - but still rational at the time - fear. Fear of what? Fear of emotion? rejection? embarrassment? release? being wrong? change? attention?

What is out there that can really hurt you? I don't know. There IS nothing, NOTHING is going to hurt you... 

But I'm scared of what I might find... because... I just am, and always have been, and always will be... just a scared little boy.

None of this makes sense. If you stand back and look at it logically, through your Spock eyes, at the big picture, none of this makes sense or is really helping. REALLY, what have I to be scared of?

Face your demons Neil. Face them. And forgive yourself. 

OBD

PS anything I say is really meant for me, I'm just not brave enough to start my own thread or listen to my own advice.

[geoff]

dear Neil, my esteemed friend, I hadn't replied earlier because I wanted to see the feed back that this post generated.

Can I ask you all a question, if for one's sake that there are 3 people talking and your included in this group of 3 and most of the attention is between the other 2 talking, then how do do feel about this.

Also when your psychologist or such asks you a question then how do you feel when this happens, because there are a couple of points that have been made, but they don't really answer these questions that I have mentioned.

I am just interested in what you all do when these happen, I'm no shrink but very curious.

The other question which you all may have different answers to is, 'why does the smallest problem then turn into a major concern'. Geoff.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff,

I would smile and l feel embarrassed/awkward. My immediate thinking would go tothe fact that I must have said something wrong or just be too boring for them. I would feel too shy to interject unless the two people directly asked me. If this went on for five minutes or more, I would excuse myself from the conversation and pretend to need another drink or go to the bathroom. I would then avoid them and perhaps other people at the party because I would feel bad about my socialising skills.

If my psych asked me this, I would feel embarrassed to admit such flaws, even to someone in such confidence. I would answer, but in shorter sentences. It might take some teasing out in order to get the answers out of me.

Mountains out of molehills, eh? I think they seem that way because it may seem like asmall problem at first- a small knot in a string. Soon however, other issues may get involved - embarassment over having to ask for help, the thought of what could happen when you did, self hate at needing help, - I could go on. All these ideas and issues become threads further tangled around the small knot. The more time you leave the problem, or the closer a deadline gets, the more and more tangled the threads get. It gets to the point where the issue seems so big know, this big ball of tangled threads so that you can't see the small knot anymore.

That big ball seems so much harder to detangle, but if you just pull out one thread at a time, taking care, you can get back to that small knot. Then the problem doesn't seem so big.

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear Geoff;

I'm lying down on my couch as I type this ... damn hard I can tell you!!  Good questions though.

Q.1 Three people talking;  1 of them is me;  but convo is mostly between the other two.  How do I feel?  That depends totally on how I am that day.  If I'm in a good mood and things are fairly rosy, then yes, that can affect me to the point of me dwelling on it and wondering why I'm not being included and thus having the effect of bringing me down.

If I'm already in a low mood, I don't care, because when I'm in a low mood, I am NOT a people person and I want to be by myself, so if there's two others talking, I think "great", I dont have to contribute.

Q.2  When psych asks a question, how do I feel?   Generally i never rush straight in, I'll look out the window and think - so I can deliver the answer that is what I want to deliver.  But how do I feel?  I think mostly I feel ok - because it makes me think that the psych is asking questions to obviously find my response so they can better determine how I am, and how best they may be able to assist me.

Q.3  Why does the smallest concern turn into a major concern?   Who said that?  I mean who would want to make a molehill into a mountain?   Ok, I was trying to go off on a slightly humourous slant there, but I didn't feel it was working.  Small concerns are made into big ones because that's what depression does.  It takes a small concern like, what I am going to get the kids for dinner - and the stressors kick in and I fumble around, I drop things, I heat something up too much and forget to use the cloth and burn my fingers and so what should have been an easy thing to do, turns into a group of mini stressors and yeah, i'm now concerned about this post.

Don't worry though Geoff, you didn't cause that ... that's my internal workings that are giving me the irrites!!

Neil