Pt 2:Holding onto what I'm losing"

[Mares73]

Hi all

if you read the thread called "Holding on to what I'm losing", you"ll know I've been in a desperate dark place where my thoughts felt  completely out of control & I was slipping away.

I finally got to see my own Pyschiatrist and her overarching statement that defined the session was "Mary you have gone as far as you can go with medication, it's time to confront yourself and your life-no medications are going to fix those two things". I cried & felt ripped at my core because I knew deep down it was so true. I was on lots of different types of medications for depression & over the 8 years I'd seen her I'd tried every single one. She then said the only way she ever believed I could achieve happiness was by confronting the painful experiences I had endured & to learn to live  by slowly working through those things. She said I'd experienced so much trauma that my life was ruled by fear, avoidance & isolation. this meant no opportunity for any enjoyment, stimulation or happiness. She believed my role as mother to my family had simply transferred to that of my husband when I married & there were major issues in my marriage causing me unhappiness & low Selfesteem. She said to break down what she believed I'd need to do to improve my chance of experiencing a "life" rather than an "existence for others", the following needed addressing-

1) currently my Selfesteem was below "ground zero".  I was isolated & ruled by fear

2)was so worn down by my isolation, unhappiness & no sense of self that I had reached the point where I had given up. I had lost hope, saw no future & existed for the kids.

3) given how low & fragile I am-I needed to tell my husband that for the next few weeks there may be limitations to what I do re housework, responsibilities as i needed to focus on getting some strength & also finding some enjoyment ie I would be making simple dinners & making sure each day I read a magazine, watched an enjoyable DVD, read a book etc-basically spent time doing something for myself

4) rather than go to hospital I was to discuss option of me going away by myself for a week, somewhere I could get a train to-about 3hrs away & to spend this week going for walks, starting my journal, reading, purpose to experience the feeling of being away by myself & learning how to use the time focused on me-no other responsibilities. 

5)o write a daily list the aim being to create purpose & routine  ie walk my son to school, do some work on my "Therapy Project" which is a Selfhelp project I've started with ideas and quotes, thoughts & feelings, cutout pictures, articles & worksheets etc, spend time on something I enjoy ie reading, start off with just one household chore apart from dinner-purpose being not to get overwhelmed by chores & to just do one ie washing or vacuuming each day-NOT BOTH, to try contact one of the few friends I have & just say hi with the purpose being to upkeep/maintain the few friendships I have.Thats just what a "plan" for the day could look like. 

6)my pysch knows how much I miss the intellectual stimulation of working so she suggested that in time when my "Selfesteem is above ground zero", I start to look at "Volunteering Australia" & find something I would enjoy that also help with the development of my own identity.

7) perhaps next year I could work towards the goal of returning to work which she rightly believes I would thrive on, improve Selfesteem, independence, confidence etc. She also suggested I may wish to consider retraining which did excite me. 

8)my biggest challenge is  accepting my extremely low Selfesteem & the reasons why, accepting & challenging my avoidance behaviours & reasons why, accepting & challenging my lack of sense of self & acknowledging & changing the things in my life that have contributed to my depression. That is a a lot of work to do on myself. It means addressing issues around my abusive traumatic childhood, my role as a "mother" in my family, the abuse experienced by a Priest, the reasons for marrying the first person I met at 19,, the inequity in the marriage, my experience of being assaulted by a stranger, having PTSD, the suicide of my father & my husband getting acute leukemia.

So I have a lot of work to do on myself. I've learnt to avoid things out of fear of being judged. I live with a lot of fear, self hate & whole range of insecurities. 

I'm a bit frightened & overwhelmed by what needs to happen for me to find a life I want to life. But I guess it's empowering as well -when I look beyond the fear it means things aren't all beyond my control. It means i have to work hard on confronting my fears, doubts & insecurities about myself. it means having a go at something rather than avoiding it. it means being out of my comfort zone.  To participate in activities id usually avoid. But if shes right-it also means theres a tiny spark of hope. (Geoff I'd love your reply/own perspective) Lve Mares xxx

[Jo3]

Hi my friend Mares

I understand what your psych is saying in that no medication can help you get better.  It can help with the feelings of depression and anxiety but I feel it just covers up everything else.

Your psych is so right.  I had to talk to my psych about my abuse, in every single detail and not just the one abuse but the other 2 as well.  And I howled and howled in his rooms.  I would then have to have the day off work because I was so exhausted in going back to work. 

But I believe that by talking about things and working it out (and believe me it won't happen overnight) it will take time, but you will get there.

I am now doing DBT therapy in trying to get me to see my "negative behaviour, negative thoughts & black and white thinking".

Also can't remember if i have told you already but when I couldn't move further with my psych in relation to the abuse, he referred me to a clinical psych who uses EMDR (eye movement densisitisation and reprocessing) therapy.  I had to have about 4 sessions but now the vision of the abuse doesn't affect me as much as it did when I first told everyone.  It is a powerful therapy but for me it worked.  Maybe worth looking at later on.

Mares, I feel for you because I know how hard it is to talk about things especially when our self esteem and confidence is at zero.  I still have none of that and I am going to discuss this with my psych and hopefully he can help me.

Mares, I can see a bright future for you, retraining for work, being in a much happier and positive mind and just being you.  I guess that's the hard bit - in working out what we want in life and what do you love about it.  

For me I love my children they are my everything, probably more than my husband!!

But I still don't really know who I am, what I want and my self esteem is zero.

Even though you say you have a hard road to go through, break it down, do it in small batches.  Take your time and just let it all out, you will be better for it Mares, I know you can do it.

Mares, I know that you will feel so empowered once you have come through all this.  I believe in you and I know that you will definitely find peace and happiness.

From the bottom of my heart I wish you so much strength and love.

Your friend

Jo xxx

[Neil_1]

To dear Mares,

My friend, this was a phenomenal post that you provided and whoa, what an incredible session that you had with your psych.

With all those items that you've listed, it seems to me that your psych is (or has asked you) to address each of them on your own?  ie:  is that with no one there to support you?

I'm so pleased that you were able to write all of this down and then to post it here, but I think a great thing to do would be to print it out as well.  That way you can then take up each item as its own separate entity and work on it by itself;  get it to a place where you're "ok" with and then either take a break or move on to the next one.

Mares, these are massive things and this is your life. Both should not be taken lightly, which I know you won't be doing anyway, but I just wanted to say that to you anyway.

Again, thank you for sharing ... "how did you feel after you walked out of your session and indeed, how do you feel now, especially after you've posted this to us?"

Kind regards,

Your friend,

Neil

[geoff]

dear Mares, can I ask you or anyone else in one sentence or paragraph what your psych is suggesting for you to do, there are two issues here.

I will come back to you today, or when you reply. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

Dear Geoff I've thought hard about what my Pyschiatrist is suggesting I do. To summarise I think she is trying to show me that beyond my fears, avoidance & painful triggers-I still have control over what experiences will define me as a person. I think she's suggesting I confront myself, acknowledge & challenge the experiences that have defined me and accept that I DO have the power to look beyond the fear, adress my fears & have a chance at happiness. 

Is that what you think Geoff? This is really important to me so please be as open & honest as you can as I'm very vulnerable & could very well believe anything at this point. Lve mares xxx

[Mares73]

Ps-and yes I'm overwhelmed, frightened & unsure where to start

[Mares73]

Neil & Jo thankyou for your beautiful messages. I don't know where to start or how to do this on my own. Hope Geoff has his usual wise advice xxx Mares

[geoff]

dear Mares, thanks for providing your thoughts, I know what I want to say, can you please have the anticipation until tomorrow morning, as this requires great thought to be put into a nutshell, but I know exactly what to say.

I have been up since 1am this morning and will be the same time tomorrow morning, so you can think more about this,

[geoff]

dear Mares, sorry I pressed something that has put me back to my post, I hope that you will be able to read the post above this, my last comment was 'can you think a bit more about what the psych has said', I agree with the psych to a certain degree, but in laymen's terms it's a bit confusing.

Please don't worry a hell of a lot tonight, because I will join you again in the morning, and whether or not my advice or help will be the answer, but it's something else to think about.

Can you please read my last comment that I made to you, asking me for 'how did I overcome this illness'. LGeoff. x

[Neil_1]

Dear Mares,

I hope you don't mind me chipping in here?

I've had another read through your initial post and wow, that must have been some session with your psych. 

I hope I can touch on a couple of issues that you've raised;  you've talked a lot about facing your fears and confronting them.  Did your psych give examples for how they'd like you to do this?

Also mentioned was for you to participate in activities that you have normally avoided.  Again, was there any example or suggestion of what they might be?  OR do you have a suggestion for something along those lines.  I think this IS a good one, but only when YOU feel that you're ready and able to do this.

I've got an exercise that a friend gave me recently (he's got a degree in psychology and he's sort of willing to take me on as an addition to his normal workload - which is brilliant of him to do so).  Anyway the thing was to get a piece of paper and Mares for you, would it be possible to write down all the things that you currently fear;  go wild, the list can be as long as you want it.  Then when you've exhausted all the options - go back through that list and rate them on a scale of 1-10 (10 being absolutely horrendous) and 1 being "cool mun" (that's my West Indian voice coming out in me).  Then rank them into order and then deal with the Number One ranked item first.  Whatever that might be - break it down, work through it in your mind where the fear lies, why is it so intense and what is the worst result that could happen if you were to try and conquer it and weren't successful?  Is there another way that you could try to attack it;  another approach?

This is not like a 10 minute task ... it can take some time, but it might, it might be a useful tool for you.  I really hope so.

My kindest regards Maresy,

Neil

🙂