Bipolar triggers

[white knight]

I'm writing this while in the depths if despair. I'm not sure of the statistics but suicide rates for bipolar sufferers is high about 20% or more.

I can say I'm not suicidal currently and have referred to my suicidal path as being a one off period in 1996, one week prior to my marriage ending. However, immediately a trigger arrives for the next period up to about 3 hours...sadly I feel the same as that sad time in 1996.

To clarify, post upset, although it is likely normal for emotions to be elevated...my emotions are far beyond that.

Do I think suicide thoughts?. No because I'm not planning anything and won't. But I do feel living is arduous and the regularity of upset is too often for me to cope with.

What are the triggers?

Being spoken to as a child. Eg if I leave a tool under the verandah and the next day I ask my wife where it is and get a reply "in your tool box where it should be". I will take that reply as being spoken to as if a mother to a 8 yo son.

Bills. As a young man I was never good at managing money. I've handed over most of our finances to my good wife due to this. If we get an unexpected bill eg car repairs are always double of what's expected ...then its a trigger

Nasty people. Some comments cut to the core on social media. I've regulated my use of it but you can't lock yourself away. Besides I do like interaction. Bit double edged really.

Poor health. I have an extremely low pain threshold. This can make me ultra sensitive.

Can other bipolar people relate to these issues?

I presume the low lows of bipolar is what I'm talking about.

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Hey Tony...

I'm sorry I haven't seen your post before. You sound to be in a bit of a slump my friend. Lean on me if you want. I don't have Bipolar knowledge, but I do know what it's like to feel helpless and sometimes be oversensitive to people's tone and comments.

I remember you wrote of an experience while on your driving holiday; being triggered when approaching a tropical walking path. Please forgive me if my memory doesn't serve well, because I'm going through the words of your post in my mind. You described a massive anxiety attack which you couldn't explain.

You also spoke of some unwelcome banter from a stranger while trying to relax in a pool near your motel. (I don't remember if the two were in the same post, or close) I don't want to put things too much under the microscope, but for me, looking for patterns or common denominators that have pre and post event similarities has given me some pretty outstanding insight.

The helplessness and fear that accompanies anxiety was the first item on my list; I took it from there. The next was my fear of consequences due to speaking up on my own behalf and not knowing how the other person was thinking of responding. Then was the overwhelming isolation of being 'trapped' in a crowd and the confusion of wondering why. (This last item only occurred after I left work due to my break-down)

I put the emotions on one side, and the situational stuff on the other side of the page...pre and post. What I discovered, was a long standing childhood belief that I was powerless and small; all efforts to express myself would be met with punishment or ridicule. This played out in my workplace and familial/friend relationships as well.

I had a lack of knowledge in how to assert and protect myself; it was all about others and their responses instead of acting on my own behalf with 'intent' and not caring how 'they' responded.

I put some new behaviours into practice, one at a time then expanding as I became more confident. It was long hard work, but has really paid off with some well earned peaceful moments of clarity.

I hope I've made some sense Tony...I do want to be of assistance to you even though I don't suffer with BP.

Thinking of you...Sara xo

[white knight]

Hi Sara,

Yeh, spot on really.

My wife and I had a constructive conversation about this today. Along similar lines about my childhood in that no matter how hard I tried I could never please my demanding mother. Any nurturing was short lived and replaced with yelling, slapping and degradation. Even in adulthood it continued.

My mother never worked, ever, yet was a self proclaimed expert on employment issues as one example. I was constantly changing jobs due, I realise now, being manic. But I never left a job until I had another often with higher wages. Yet as soon as mother found out she was "horrified".

So disapproval of me was common. My father passed in 1992. Mother became more dependant on me. Yet the domineering continued. 6 years ago my sister and I ceased all contact with her. And it is permanent.

So I know as does my sister why damage has been done but at 60yo I'm positive in attitude but less so in " fixing" my automatic response mechanisms and this includes my sensitivity.

We made inroads though. For example. I get really annoyed when my wife interrupts me when I'm speaking. My interpretation is that what she is thinking and speaking is more important that what I'm saying when I have the floor. Her answer is..."if I don't say it I might forget it later". To which I reply "if you interrupt I'll lose track about what I'm saying so I tend to think its just plane rude to not wait until I've finished my sentence".

Today we developed a hand signal. Raise your hand or finger when you want to reply. The talker has 15-20 seconds (flexible) to finish knowing the other person had a response.

It worked. In the evening I go on Bb as well as TV at the same time. If my wife wants to talk I get easily distracted so to avoid upset we'll use the TV mute button thereby eliminating one of 3 distractions.

What was good is that we worked it out together.

You referred to, that time in Darwin I felt anxious. I recall it. The factors were- I was hungry (hypocalcemia?), humid, unfamiliar environment etc. And the unwelcomed chatter from someone. A similar thing happened yesterday...browsing a rose garden a fellow approached. Without coercing within 5 minutes we knew his life story and his anger towards a local counsellor. I had to walk away and leave my wife chatting.

I sat in the car wondering if I had a flipout sign on my shirt " mute" and I could just point to it.

It would fix my problem.

Im complex but I'm OK. :).

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Wow Tony,

That's great work my friend...kudos!

Sounds a really constructive talk and arrangement between you and your lovely wife. I'm so pleased for you both.

You've given so much information above, you seem more connected and insightful in your written context...done the trick I think. Well done!

Warm thoughts...Sara xo