BEING POSITIVE what's the secret?

[white knight]

When the world is evil, people are cruel and nothing works out for you.How can you possibly rise up above it all?

We live on a cliff face. At any moment we could fall over it. I know now that by being positive I will never fall over it even though I still sit on that cliff edge.It's a paradox but that cliff face is a reminder of where I could have ended up had I not changed my thinking. I was programmed a boy of doom and gloom. I had to erase the tape and reboot.

There are two ways of changing from a negative person to a positive one. The first is shock. Attending a lecture or having a serious event in your life take place whereby you snap into positivity. The second is slowly changing your thinking process over time.

Whenever you are faced with a negative you have to replace it with a positive. How do we do that. It isnt easy and for some it isnt obvious at all. Here are some examples-

I'm miserable because its cold and raining outside - I'm happy that I'm warm and dry inside in front of a fire

My brother died at 27 and I was only 24yo - I'm proud of my brothers achievements over such a short life

I baked a cake and it was a failure - I baked a cake and left the egg out, I'll do better ext time

I had to wait at the doctors for 2 hours - The doctor might have had an emergency

I cant get out of bed - I am unwell today, I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow

I've been branded a snob - I am a quiet person but I am kind and considerate and dont need to prove it

You get the picture. It takes practice.  Some tragedies arent easy to swallow. We live in the country and seeing animals killed on the side of the road is hurtful. My wife and I tend to say to each other "well, if they were injured we'd get them to the refuge to give them a chance". 

Give it a go. Be persistent.  You will drop back into negativity often but keep trying. In the end like me you will sit on that cliff edge but one day you'll take a peak over the edge to realise the drop is only a few feet, not the kilometres it used to be.

[Jo3]

Hi White Knight

I agree with you 100%.

I am actually doing DBT therapy (dialectical behaviour therapy) with my therapist.  And a lot of it is changing my way of thinking and behaving.  I know that I say a lot of negative stuff and behaviour in a negative way. But as soon as I do in therapy, my psych will point it out straight away and then I can see where it was so negative.

For eg. I went on a holiday and didn't do all the things I had planned so therefore it was a terrible holiday.  

Instead say:  I went on a holiday and didn't do all the things I had planned but I still had a good time.

And you're right, it does take time and practice and this is why my psych wants me to practice all the time; each time a negative thought comes into my head I need to change it to a positive - easier said than done, I know, but I have to try.

Jo

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

Also, part of it is that life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people and so on. When I was in the police and people would try to rationalise why, for example, a baby died in a collision rather than the drunk driver that hit them, people would ask me why the baby died. In the first place, I'm not God (if he even exists) and secondly, the world is full of injustice. Look at those kidnapped girls in Nigeria at the moment. I'm not saying it is okay, far from it. I'm saying that so much of what happens is beyond our control and all we can do is find coping mechanisms for it. WK has given excellent examples of the ways we can do that.

I remember watching a comedy show on television once where everyone wound up piling onto the ground. The poor guy at the bottom, who was buried under the others, yelled out, "If anyone is hurt, it's my fault." It was a funny example of how some people can take the blame for anything around them.

So, as with your DBT, it is not about the event, but your perspective. Keep up the fight.

Kind regards, John.

[Jo3]

Hi John

But do you think that things happen for a reason?

Jo

[white knight]

Crash Coyote,

very right there,  bad things happen to good people. And the world isnt fair.  I still cant get my head around a fact- that some come into the world as royals, or children of mining magnates...and they never have to worry about money ALL THEIR LIVES!!!

Life is indiscriminate to many, kind to the lucky and so on.

[White_Rose]

Hello Jo

Do you mean everything happens for a reason and that it is good for or someone?  No I do not believe this.  It's a cruel way to look at life and tends to make the person at the receiving end 'deserve' the happening, to victimize them.

If you mean that everything happens because of the preceding events, then I agree.  I was discussing this with a group a few years ago and one person said "Someone upstream fouls the water and someone downstream gets sick".  That is the way I look at life.  We do not experience anything, good or bad, necessarily because of our own actions, but often because of the actions of others.  Think of your own lives.

Crash Coyote refers to the poor girls in Nigeria.  Not their fault. The result of someone else's actions.  I very much doubt the girls 'deserve' it or that it is good for them.  However, some of those girls may find the strength to survive and make a good life for themselves.  That does not mean the action should have happened or that it was right.  And I certainly cannot subscribe to the "happening for a reason" in the sense of my first lines.

Life happens and often does not seem fair, right or good.  White Knight has commented about the children of rich and famous parents.  They may not have financial problems in their lives, and that would be nice, but they certainly have other life difficulties.  No one gets a free ride.

It is up to each of us to make our lives the best we can and to be as kind and compassionate to everyone else as we can.  It's only when we practice loving our neighbours that the world will change.

OK I'll get off my soapbox.

White Rose

[Neil_1]

Bloody excellent thread WK.

I so don't believe that things happen for a reason.

There is no rhyme or reason to life.

You make a decision and you have to live with it.  You make a choice - if right, then yeeee haaa, all's good in the world.  If wrong, then banish you to the depths.

And yes, people who are rich (oh to dream), yes they'll still face their challenges in their lives - possibly differently because in their bank account they have '000,000's at the end of their commencing numbers.  But they're still human and they will still have evils to contend with.

I can't remember who recently put up a brilliant thread about a list of celebrities and who's who of popular people who have all dealt with or are still dealing with depression.  It just takes on anyone.

You also see so many flotsam of the world - people who the character of Dexter would eradicate from this world with a well placed plunge of his knife - but they exist, they still breathe the same air as us;  and yet, for the amount of them that are around, the world still loses too many "good and decent" people.

Yes, life isn't fair;  but it's all we've got - all that we know;  all that we'll ever know.

You know here's something that I don't think I've ever shared with anyone - "maybe" my partner.  It was during the evening after I lost my brother in a drowning accident.  We were in hospital, and I was in my own cubicle, somewhere in the hospital.  I had one family member with me and a priest came in.  Now I'm not a believer - never have been, never will - but at this moment, I was hysterical and the like.  I said to the priest - "Can he, can my brother (I said his name obviously), can he hear me right now?"    The priest said, "No, I'm sorry".  Somehow that just made his death even more final.

I'm digressing folks - sorry and getting away from the real gist behind this thread.  Sorry about that.

Neil

[white knight]

We disagree agreeably, I'm ok with that White rose. I was commenting on fairness. And when you are born into the world rich you might not get a free ride but you do get a limousine ride which helps in life. That same limo takes you to better doctors, private hospitals, quality foods etc etc...dont know about others but I struggle at times to buy my medicine.....in my book it's a free ride without that worry.

 I commented to a distant auntie once when she visited our family home...I was 12yo. "whatever happens - happens"  "No" she blurted "what happens is what you determine to happen".  I think she had a point.

We can shape our lives, we do have some control. But as Crashcoyote eluded to - some things are totally out of our control. So Jo, things can happen for a reason but that view doesnt hold weight when many other things happen for no reason.

[Jo3]

I'm sorry guys I shouldn't have written. Sometimes I think I shouldn't be on here because I write stupid things and then I feel that people are judging me.

my comments are all over the place; the way I write, what I write, how I write, just everything.

Life is unfair, it's difficult; and you're right White Rose in that we have to make our life the best way we can whether it's good or bad. And if something bad happens then we have to learn to cope with that struggle/hurdle whatever.

I think what I was trying to say was - that because of my childhood sexual abuse and not talking to my parents for 4 years after telling them - it has made me a different person; a person not having to rely on my mum to make decisions. Now I couldn't care less if I didn't phone my mum every single day like I used to. Sometimes days will go by before I phone her. I have changed and it's not because of the abuse; i think it's because of what i have had to experience and deal with after the fact that all this came out after so many years. (Don't know if this makes any sense)

Jo

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

Do I think things happen for a reason? Ah, the opportunity to wax philosophical! 

I don't things happen for a reason, except at a simple level. If I put my unprotected hand in fire long enough it gets burnt. The reasons are obvious. I think one would need to have a lot of faith to say everything in life happens "for a reason". That is akin to saying it is "God's will" and the inability to defy God's will is the reason we should be able to cope with whatever terrible fate God seemed to want to will.

Most of us, or at least the one's getting CBT or DBT, will be familiar with the strategies we are shown to manage anxiety, fear, anger and so on. I would suggest the teaching of those strategies is diametrically opposed to the God's will view. They say that things happen and we need to manage them to be healthy. To me, that makes a lot more sense that seeking solace in the faith that God wanted the bad thing to happen.

Please don't think I am religion bashing. I respect the beliefs of others. I am just saying that life has its ups and downs. Some seem to get more ups than downs but vice versa, also. It helps me to believe that I am justified if I am angry or scared or in pain because something bad happened. I just have to remember to try and manage it, which I don't always do properly.

Anyway, ply me with booze and I could write all night, but I hope I explained my view better rather than just re-hashing what I wrote before.

Kind regards, John.