Hey and welcome MMS;
I hear you loud and clear! 'Reactive' has gotten me in some tight situations in the past too; not exactly police worthy, but probably close to it.
These days I'm more of a step-back gal to avoid the reactive fall-out. Once words come out of my mouth, I can't shove them back in.
Stepping back and biting my tongue gives time to find mindfulness in the moment. That in turn provides space (away from emotions) to see the forest for the trees so to speak.
Silence can be a mighty tool actually. If people think they have free reign to talk it up, they tend to give away some pretty interesting material for future discussions, and sometimes even shoot themselves in the foot as far as defending their position goes.
It takes practice and patience to learn, but once stepping back's refined, peace comes. And, preoccupation with being 'right' becomes a thing of the past. I'm not saying not to defend ourselves; I'm saying we don't always 'have' to engage. In fact many people lose steam when there's no-one to argue with.
I think of all the times I was in a rage 'reacting' to comments - it was probably all for naught. Focusing on me and 'why' I was in a rage is far more compelling and insightful.
I mean let's face it; I'd rather walk away feeling at peace and seemingly lose a battle, than have my adrenal glands shot to pieces or have a reputation as an unreasonable bully.
Hi Flick;
'..the anger thing' as you've called it, can be the bane of some people's lives. If we don't speak up, we're not acknowledged. If we raise our voices, we're out of control. If we push a little, we can lose our audience or create a worse situation. It's a fine line, so it needs to be discussed.
Those tools you talk about sure are important. For instance, learning to argue properly is a gift. Apart from stepping back, I use words that express how I feel or what I want. "That hurt my feelings" is enough to let people know why I'm upset.
Or "Can you please stop talking 'at' me and allow me time to speak too?" This along with a calm demeanour and neutral face can help to keep energy flowing back and forth instead of one person hogging the lime-light.
Misunderstandings are among the most powerful contributors to anger. My new mantra? Keep it short, direct and tactful, or don't speak at all.
That's my 2c worth... 🙂
Sez
