ANGER -> are you reactive or mindful when responding to people? *New members are very welcome to contribute

[Just Sara]

Firstly I want to thank Karen, (Ggrand) who ignited my idea for this thread. (Not pun intended lol)

Are you 'reactive' when confronting someone? Do you run away, or step back and 'think' before you speak?

These are important questions about anger and especially rage. I'm sure everyone who visits these forums will have at some point in their lives experienced out of control reactions or even 'inaction' that they regret or question afterwards. Eg..."Why didn't I say anything?" or "I shouldn't have said anything."

Personally, I'm no stranger to the effects of reactive anger. It took me many yrs to address and finally defeat as an ineffective and damaging personality trait. I still struggle sometimes, but more times than not, I deal with it productively.

Anger's a normal animal/human reaction for survival. It goes hand in hand with Fight or Flight responses to keep us safe and alive. What modern society's done though, is create confusion, denial and fear in understanding what a 'threat' actually is.

There are so many 'rules of engagement' outlined in our laws and cultural niceties, we're stifled trying to identify when a 'real' threat is immanent and, how to approach matters effectively...nature vs nurture.

I think this is a discussion we really 'need' to have. It plays into our recovery and how we want to live our lives in peace with confidence.

Are you known as an angry person, a fence sitter or passive/aggressive for instance? These are all tied into our responses to internal or external anger. For the sake of this thread topic, I'd like to keep anecdotes etc to personal experience and not about 'others'; to look at ourselves for answers.

I'm eager to hear your thoughts...

Sez

[Guest_1055]

Hey there Sara.... I am hearing you loud and clear. Your passion or emotion is coming through in your words.

Me

[Quercus]

Hi Sara and everyone reading,

Helplessness at the world is thriving. I cannot watch the news, listen to the radio or pick up a paper without feeling disgust and helpless and above all angry.

Writing complaints and fighting for what I feel is right used to be important to me. Now I'm learning to pick my battles for my own sanity. To know where I can actually achieve change and when I'm expending my energy to a point that it is harming me.

Examples? I put up with a job that treated mothers like a waste of space. I felt like it was my responsibility to fight and complain to try make it better for others returning from maternity leave. My health went downhill. I loathed my job. Eventually I gave up. I chose to fail and leave. No complaint. Didn't bother. Nothing has changed at my work. I learnt change has to come from the top. If the management don't care... Either apply for a management job or leave. I chose to leave.

For a while I worried about how I have given up. Now I don't. I want to live. And fighting the world unless you are committed to being a leader is about as useful as fighting your mental illness. All it does is make me angry and helpless and hopeless and more depressed.

I can't change the world but I can focus on my little part of it. Grandma used to always say charity begins at home. She was right.

I have power to make change.

within

• My community.
• My friends.
• My family.

I can speak up about the things I care about to people who are open to listen. It may not be the world but I figure if I can make my local community healthier other communities will copy what has worked (they always do).

At the very least I can raise my kids to disconnect from the bustle of the world and learn to focus on what really matters.

May sound like giving up. But it has helped me to calm down.

❤ Nat

[Just Sara]

Hey Nat;

Great story, great insight and great resolve! Charity 'does' begin at home for sure.

My friend who I used to work with suffered as you (and I) did at the hands of misguided and ill trained managers. He tried for yrs to instil positive programs and did his best to change the system only to be met with frustration and defeat.

He gave up!!! Now he's left the system and will work independently as a consultant once he's gained formal registration. He hasn't even opened his doors yet and has been inundated by external services requiring his help.

He's one of the good guys who knows his stuff. He's now in a position where changes can be made to the system because he doesn't have internal people stopping him due to fear or being intimidated by his knowledge and skills.

His anger, as with mine, came from not being allowed to be effective. We all want to be in a position to make a difference yet stay in jobs that hold us back and eventually ruin us.

My friend's asked me to be his PA which I'm hoping I can cope with; time will tell.

I absolutely agree with focusing on our own back yards and community. The world's far too big for us to be constantly worrying about things we can't fix.

Lovely to have you on board! 🙂

Thanks Shelley for your comments. Yeah, I did go off on a tangent there for a while. It just really got to me in the moment. Feeling helpless sucks!

Warm thoughts;

Sez xo

[Just Sara]

Anger...

I've been angry lately and haven't been able to find a solution to my dilemma. The anger's waned as I talked it out with Lifeline and rescued myself from its grasp.

However, the issue still remains. Sometimes I wish I could just un-hear, un-see, un-know things. Dishonesty is one of my pet hates because of trust being eroded.

It angers me too when I bring the truth out in the open (which I've had to learn to do for self preservation as it eats away at me) and receive excuses or no apology. This time, outing my feelings will hurt someone; it's a double edged knife.

My anger's now morphed into disappointment and disillusion. Yet, I'm still at odds with how to approach the matter; I've stalled and it's affecting the way I view people.

I want to walk away but I can't; I want to bring it out in the open but I can't; I want closure and a way forward...

The cause of anger has many faces...

Sez xo

[startingnew]

you need a boxing bag Sez, then you can yell out your anger and get rid of some of the pent up stuff

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez,

Whatever is going on is clearly eating away at you. I don’t know what has happened and I’m not entirely sure how to respond but Butterfly’s (Startingnew) idea of using a boxing bag could be something to consider...

I don’t know if you want to talk about it further or not (or whether that would help or make things worse in terms of how you’re feeling) but there are many people here who care about you if you do want to talk about it. No pressure. It’s up to you...

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hey Pepper;

Thankyou for your kind words.

As I said above, my anger has waned. I'm left with a stalemate of sorts. No amount of physical exertion will help.

It's an uncomfortable and unpleasant learning curve which I'm struggling to deal with effectively. I don't have the insight or experience to know what to do. I've asked for help and in the next few days may find my feet.

As this is an 'anger' thread, I thought it pertinent to express my situation from that perspective. As always, there's much more that lies beneath the surface. That's where I am atm; trying to work out a way to ensure all concerned benefit by my actions/inaction.

I know this sounds ambiguous, but this isn't the place to air details I'm afraid.

You're in my thoughts...

Sez xo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez,

I’m very glad you have asked for help. I really hope they can help you recalibrate and re-centre again. It sounds like it has been a very emotional time for you.

Don’t worry, I understand and respect so I won’t ask for details.

Think of you often...

Sending love and well wishes that things work out. I hope you can pull through this...

Much love,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

brave courageous woman you are Sez, im glad your asking for help

love and hugs to you xoxoxox

[Quercus]

Hi Sara (and all 😊),

Ah my friend anger. Know that one too well.

Usually accompanied by frustration or disappointment and usually bucketfuls of hurt.

What has helped me Sara (and might be worth a try) is looking at your anger/hurt/disappointment in terms of energy used.

It takes a hell of a lot of energy to care. It takes a lot less to just choose to move forward.

I'm not at all saying forgive or forget or bury the feelings. I'm just saying when I feel anger/hurt I choose to acknowledge it and move on.

Take my ex situation for example.

That was a horrible situation. I still feel sick at memories and I refuse to forgive. But I can choose not to expend any more of my energy considering him and what he did.

He is not worth my time or my energy even to hate. I have expended far too much of my life worrying about in some shape or form.

So I refuse. I feel angry. But I am disconnected from it. He has no power over me to influence my life any longer. None.

I choose to examine new situations with somewhat clear eyes on it's own merits. Why should he have any right to cloud the view I have of my husband. Like hubby said... If I call him out on being a toad it should be for what he himself has done... Not for the memory of past hurts.

You are a strong woman Sara. You are capable of setting boundaries to protect yourself and working through this anger.

I feel for you though. I do understand.

❤ Nat