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Whenever homosexuality is mentioned in my household my parents are quick to discriminate

mindmass
Community Member
I've always had these weird kinda-gay feelings for people of my same gender, but also to the opposite gender and I am kinda confused, I know I must be bisexual or pansexual I'm so scared and I don't know. My identity isn't the problem, it's just whenever homosexuality is mentioned in my household my parents are quick to discriminate and preach hate and I'm just so far back in the closet. I love them, but how can I be myself in later life if they are going to disown me? I don't want to do the whole 'if they accept you great, if they don't you don't need them' thing because I love them, but they openly hate and believe in harsh penalties for people like me. They are Catholic, and I go to a Catholic school so there it has been strictly antigay forever. I just want this to stop, there are people at school who have called me awful things and I'm just sick of it. I've self harmed once before and I think about it a lot but it's not taking any pain away? I don't want to lose my parents and friends and community.

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5 Replies 5

PatT
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi mindmass,

That sounds like a really difficult position to be in and I feel for you, I really do. It sucks that in this day and age, people are still so discriminatory based on religion, even in Australia. I can really sense how stuck you feel and that's natural considering the circumstances. I want to ask what you think would happen if you told them? Would they really disown you? Or would it just take a while for them to get accustomed to it? Do you think they might already know and are just hoping it's a phase you're going through?

Do you have anybody you can speak to about this stuff, like a school counsellor? If not, you can go speak to your doctor and get a 'Mental Health Plan' which gives you 10 free trips to see a psychologist. That might be something you really need at the moment. It's great you've come to the forums but I think you need to speak to somebody who can really help you figure out what the best plan of action is.

Do you have any siblings you can talk about this with? It seems like it must eventually come out to your parents, it's just a matter of how and when.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi mindmass, welcome

You don't have to lose your parents, just accept they are entitled to their opinion.

It was in their generation and certainly beyond it that homophobia was everywhere. As bad as that was and is, that was the environment they grew up in. Its engraved in their minds.

I'm 60yo and I'm total acceptable with any persons sexuality.

Going to ask you to have a mature outlook on this. Accept them for their views. Disagree as you please but gently. Wait until you move out after your studies before you decide where you stand with your sexuality. Concentrate on your studies.

Then a couple of years from now you'll be ready for paving your own life away from home. In the meantime, relax and think about your desires. But don't expect approval from your parents.

Tony WK

Gruffudd
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi mindmass,

Welcome to the forums, yes that definitely sucks.

It does get better.

I came from a similar place, my parents are religious, my mother is a Uniting Church minister, I grew up in a church house, I went to a church school, everything I knew had something to do with the church. It seemed like it was going to be just like you say a choice between being accepted or not. Then I told them and didn't get the response that I expected, they (family, church, and school) went through quite a process of their own because it is different when it is your child then if it is other unknown people. And now, I have all the love and support. I get that for everyone it is a different journey and there is a lot to think about, but I would not underestimate your parents and the bigger wider world definitely has room for you - so whatever happens there is community, and family.

So what about now? It is important to look after you, no one else can do that. What makes you feel good? what do you like doing?

Also please feel free to chat on these forums about anything, we are here to listen and to support each other. And I want to see things work out for the best for you.

Rob.

Gruffudd
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

One more thing I wanted to mention, the Catholic church is not entirely of one mind on this either. There are allies and voices there that are speaking for acceptance and equality. If you want to talk to LGBTI catholics in detail google can find groups in Australia. I used to run forums in Catholic schools around Melbourne about diversity within the church and there certainly was support from many students, parents, and perhaps surprisingly some of the sisters and OSB's.

Once you have done your thought and had the conversations you may choose to walk away or have a different relationship with all of it. Doing that doesn't necessitate having to also walk away from family, friends, and community. Really, you will find your way and it will get better.

Rob.

Paul
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey mindmass - my turn to welcome you and let you know that you're not alone in feeling a bit trapped and confused.

There's no rush to work out whether you are gay or bi or pan. Hey there's not even a need to slap a label on it. For now, it's just is and how you feel is OK. Regardless of family and church influences quietly working away in the background by letting yourself be and feel what you need to feel is OK.

There are a few things you can do when emotions become a bit overwhelming or thoughts become annoying or disturbing. This takes a bit of practice, but bear with me while I explain from my own perspective.

Firstly I let myself relax by listening, smelling, looking and feeling what's around me. Just for a minute or so. You may want to only use one of your senses, but the idea is to feel a bit like you are bare footed and standing on dirt, feeling the ground.

The next thing I do is allow myself to bring the emotion that I'm feeling in just far enough to be able to feel it a little bit. This sounds a little silly, but it does work. By using a sense of curiosity examine the emotion, did it arrive quickly or slowly? Is it strong or weak? Give it a name. Remember you are holding it just at arms length so it's best to say "That looks like..." and name the emotion. Once you are finished naming it and examining it, let it go like letting a helium balloon go, let it float away.

Similarly with thoughts, if a thought annoys you over and over or worries you, hold it at arms length. Look at it. Is it a helpful thought or not too helpful thought. The not too helpful thoughts can be let go of in a really funny way. Sing the thought to the tune of happy birthday in your head! I laugh out loud when I do this. I have a sad look on my face then suddenly I burst out laughing. It sounds silly, but it's great make the bad thoughts less loud.

Of course if you have trouble with this or it doesn't work and you need to speak to someone the phone numbers at the top and bottom of the page are available 24 hours. Please don't hesitate to call - the folks on the help line can talk you through difficult times and are fantastic.

Take care

Paul