The marriage that never happened

Independent · ‎12-07-2020

I am unsure whether I should start this but this issue has been bugging me for years and lately I have been cursing God for it. I am a life long Christian but not a Bible basher. My faith has carried me through a lot of dark times in my life. I may need to make a number of posts before I am finished. I hope a mental health professional will get involved in this issue with me.

Ok, so here goes. Ever since I was a young person I have always wanted to get married and have kids. In my head I planned for nothing else. My parents couldn't understand why I didn't pursue relationships nor even have sexual interests.

You see I am female but it hasn't always been that way - I had a choice to make. I was pushed through puberty with hormone injections as nothing was happening. My Dad wanted a boy my mind and body said otherwise. So the thought of marrying a girl seemed rather wrong to me because of my faith - girl on girl just didn't seem right for me. Also sex before marriage seemed wrong. I was brought up as a very conservative Christian so sex just didn't figure into my thinking at all. I am still somewhat traditional in my beliefs but I believe each to their own. I love Church and wanted to do the 'right' thing. For me, as a female marrying another female just couldn't happen either - at least in my head. I have no regrets of being who I am - it is the most natural thing in the world but I find not being able to marry and have kids and having not being able to have a normal life just eats away at me most weeks. I was able to keep the thoughts at bay by keeping busy with study and my nursing but now at 63 this lack of kids just doesn't go away. I blame God that there are no adults kids of mine to visit me, no grand children, no memories of love affairs or marriage. Outside of Nursing I had no reason to exist and now I am not nursing that seems more so. It is like I wonder why God even made me - what was the point of my life? I am still very much faithful to my Christianity but God gets a battering from me every week. I still pray and read my devotional and use my Lutheran Hymnal but I just can't understand why God would do this. I love who I am - I can't imagine being anyone else but the lack of memories of love and children is so hard to bear. I have one consolation in that I trained in midwifery and brought kids into this world. They would in their 20s now. I feel a bit better for getting this out. But that lack of kids is still depressing.

Sophie_M · ‎12-07-2020

Hey Independent, we understand it can be really painful to open up and write about topics like this, so thank you for having the courage to share your journey with us. We're sure that our community members will be able to relate to these feelings and hopefully, some of them will be able to offer you words of advice. Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope with such thoughts and emotions. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

Independent · ‎13-07-2020

Hi, thanks for replying. I do see my Doctor about once a week. Not a mental health expert but a good listener. I will bring this up with him on Friday. I was hoping that there would be some Pastoral care but Church is a bit like walking on egg shells at the moment. I prefer online consults rather than phone consults. I will look into webchats as I can. thank you again for touching base with me.

pinwheel23 · ‎15-07-2020

Hi Independent,

I'm sorry that I don't have any particular advice. I just wanted to thank you for reaching out and sharing your story.

Having a huge part in bringing children into the world as a midwife must have been a really rewarding and happy experience. Every one of those families are grateful for you and your work. If you don't mind me asking, do you have friends or other family that you are in touch with? That you get to talk to somewhat regularly? I know that friends can not fill the space of children and familial loved ones, but I hope you have people that you get to spend time with (even if it is just over the phone or through video call these days).

I'm not Christian myself but my understanding is that devotionals and the Lutheran Hymnal are collections of prayers and hymns. I hope that despite your conflicting feels about God, reading your devotional and Lutheran Hymnal brings you comfort.

I know I've only picked out the "happy" half of the sentences, but I find your words to be inspiring:

I have no regrets of being who I am - it is the most natural thing in the world ...

I love who I am - I can't imagine being anyone else ...

I hope you are able to find the support you need.

Take care,
pinwheel23

Independent · ‎16-07-2020

Hi pinwheel. No I don't have any family because they rejected me. I lost five of my friends during the same sex marriage debate, and the last tow when the Qld government removed gender from Drivers Licenses. In the past two years since the same sex marriage debate my fellow Lutherans have repeatedly attacked me online. I have been church since I was six and have supported the church as much as I could. The thanks I have received is to be excluded from most social occasions in the Church by stares and pressure to confirm to their norms. When I think of all the night duty and on call work and my work as an Army Nursing Officer I find it unacceptable to be treated as an outcast by bigots in the Church. However I know from history that Christians have done so much evil to others who have been different. It saddens me that the Church has gone down this bigoted path but it is a human activity - not God's. He still comforts me through His Word and Spirit. Thank you again for replying.

Sophie_M · ‎16-07-2020

Hi there,
It sounds like you have had some really negative expereinces for doing what you think is right. Bullying is never okay and can really effect our wellbeing and overall mental health. We urge you to reach out for some support. We recommend you talk your experience/feelings through with our Support Service, our mental health counsellors can offer some support, information and referrals: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport or 1300 22 4636.

pinwheel23 · ‎16-07-2020

I cannot begin to imagine how painful these experiences have been for you Independent.

It is upsetting to think about how decisions to discriminate are driven by people - individuals who actively choose not to consider the effects of their actions. You can walk away from someone saying things to you in person, but being attacked online is harder to step away from.

I am glad to hear that in spite of how people have treated you, you are able to find comfort and strength. Your ability to stay true to who you are and remain kind in the face of hurtful people, is so admirable.

If you don't mind me asking, have you looked into whether there are support groups or a recreational centre/activity groups in your area - where you'd be able to make some supportive friends?

Thank you again for sharing your story.

Independent · ‎16-07-2020

Hi pinwheel and Sophie_M. Over the years I have managed to attach myself to a women's craft group and art group. We are suppose to do arts and craft but I mostly gas bag - I love chatting - just like my Mum always did before she developed dementia. Even though the experiences have been negative I have learned a lot about people. Bullies can't be reasoned with so there is no point in trying. As for my family it was a psychologist who warned me that I belonged to an 'enmeshed family'. She read the emails and letters that family were sending me and she asked, "Do you think you can live without your family?". I said, " I don't know - my family has been my world". She replied - I think you will need to live without them, they will continue to do what they do ( pushing my buttons), because that is how they want to control you (and my emotions). So I progressively broke with them but that just infuriated them and things got worse. I didn't really understand the DVO system and didn't use it. But slowly they gave up on pushing my buttons, left me alone, and peace returned. Interestingly I found the same techniques used by my family are the same as used by the Lutheran Church. After all - in this country we of German decent are one big extended family. I think my family inherited the Lutheran habit of trying to force conformity. There are no secrets between congregations. So I think it is all a case of my sister's illness, extreme conservatism, and the Lutheran Churches' culture. But as far as family is concerned that is in years pass. As far as the Church is concerned it is their culture. Thankfully my Doctor is aware of both and how they have played out in my life and he has been supportive. So, I am not alone - there is support as well as Beyond Blue. the hardest part recently has been the social isolation that the lock down brought. No arts and craft activities could happen, no church could happen, and there was no family available for support. But now that the activities are happening again things are improving. In fact today another lady at the art group gave me her contact details to phone her if I ever needed someone to talk to. There are people in the world who care but surprisingly not from where I would have expected. There are wonderful people in the world - one just needs to seek them out and not lose hope.

pinwheel23 · ‎17-07-2020

hey Independent. I feel like each post you make, you say something that I want to write down somewhere, for my future self to remember, hold onto, and reflect back on:

There are people in the world who care but surprisingly not from where I would have expected. There are wonderful people in the world - one just needs to seek them out and not lose hope.

Sometimes, especially when faced with difficult people, it is hard to remember that there are others out there that are wonderful. I'm happy to hear that you were able to break away and now live in peace. Having a supportive doctor is really great, and I'm glad that these forums have been there for you as well.

Hopefully as restrictions ease you'll be able to attend more activities. I hope you get to give your friend a call or send her a message - it'll be nice to keep in contact while things are still not completely back to normal. May be in the future you'll get in touch with others from your art group and keep in touch with them outside of the activities 🙂