Support and forgiveness

[Just Sara]

After reading Chris B's post on using BB sexuality and gender resource suggestions instead of using this subsection of the forum to post, I tried the different sites without success. One of them came up as a 'risk of internet threat'. So I Googled and found a sexuality test from the US and filled it out. My score for homosexuality really surprised me. I guess deep down I've known, but scary experiences have distanced me from my truth.

So I'm back here to write my thoughts hoping for some support.

I recently got onto a same sex dating site and added my profile. It took a lot of courage to do, but has sent me into a bit of a spin since contacting someone in my own town to talk with. They haven't replied and my confidence has taken a nose dive.

This is such a daunting task and has triggered depressive thoughts and feelings.

The other thing of concern, is someone on this site who was a huge source of support and advice in the past, doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. Their wisdom and beautiful words bought me through some awful times, and was an inspiration in helping me come out of my sexuality shell. I'd love for them to post here; they don't have to identify themselves as this person, but reconnecting with me would help enormously. I don't know what I wrote to deter them, but I'd like forgiveness if this is possible. Losing contact was like the loss of a dear friend.

I just want to be happy and find love and companionship. This is a deeply emotional time; I don't have anyone to talk with about it and fear a relapse of symptoms may occur.

I've become dependent on all the wonderful people in this community and this scares me too. Not having face to face conversation about the real me is wearing me down.

Dizzy x

[blondguy]

Bless your kind heart Dizzy. You are and always be a legend if my humble opinion holds any weight. I think that my friends Rob (Gruffudd) and Paul arent that fussed about labels either. I dont really know what I am anyway! I am just me 🙂

I bought a pair of Caterpillar workboots about 2 years ago that cost me a fortune but they feel like I am wearing brick sandals!

Megahugs Dizzy......Paul xo

[Gruffudd]

Hi Dizzy,

You sound like someone who is being their self. I love that. Once a long time ago a psychiatrist said to me that, you attract what you think you deserve. Feels like you might be getting somewhere.

Rob.

[Just Sara]

Hey Paul and Rob;

I'm grateful for both your replies to my well earned self confidence; I really like feeling this way. With your psychiatrist Rob, attracting something or someone only provides opportunities. It's up to me to decide if those options are for me. I understand this now.

There's a woman who helps run the she-shed who I'd like to ask out. The other day she flirted with me! Who would'a thunk?! He he..

The thing is; I still need to keep an eye on old habitual thinking and responses to people. I want to keep my new found attitude to relationships, that being; only invest my time, energy and love on someone if they're worthy of me and what I deserve. I know I'm a giver, that's the easy part. Whoever chooses me will get a good deal. (oh how humble)

I'd love for both of you to attract someone worthy of your 'wonderfulness' too. We all deserve a partner who complements us.

As for your brick sandals Paul, (laughed out loud) I tried on a pair and felt similar. Mine are Redback light-weight pull-on's. I put them on as soon as I got home with 3 pair of socks to wear around the house. It reminded me of breaking in school shoes. I've worn them every day since with my jeans and long sleeved T's I brought in the men's section.

I've spent hrs at Bunning's purchasing paling's and accessories to put on my deck. Yesterday I oiled them up ready to drill and install today. Listen to me...oil, drill, install...he he

I feel so comfortable being'me'.

Love you both...Dizzy xo

[blondguy]

Hey Dizzy 🙂

I am glad you had a lol moment with my brick sandals.....they sit next to my bed and look great but when I try walk around in them they feel awkward and evil.

The Redback's are meant to be a great boot......Since there is no thing as a dumb question....Did the 3 pairs of socks work to break them in?

You need a leather tool belt...I was going to buy one but I am more a landscaper....

You are a legend Dizzy....thankyou for making me smile 🙂

Muchas muchas gacias mi amigo....mi amor...Pablo xx

[Just Sara]

Hey Paulo; Sei il benvenuto il mio amore (I dated an Italian when I was 17) mui caliente!

Yes...3 pair was all I could do, they worked a treat. So comfy and dare I say it...so me.

And yes, a tool belt is on my wish list along with a new tool box (had the same one for decades spilling over with major must-have's) I've gathered quite a collection of electric tools as well over the yrs. Haven't been brave enough to use the grinder though. It brings out the "Arrgh!" and "Ooh!" factor. You know...hopping back and forth with 'jazz' hands. lol

I've been thinking about your brick boots; it reminds me of those boots men refuse to get rid of. They've got big holes in the toes where they've cut the steel toe out? I saw a guy all 'dirtied' up from work who was wearing a pair with no socks and, oh, what are they called? Short shorts with scooped sides from the 70's - usually in pale blue? Anyway; what a sight! His T was ripped down the shoulder, didn't reach his belly button and I couldn't quite tell what colour it was originally; maybe taupe? He he...mmm

And I thought people would point their finger at me.

Pitty you're not around here Paul; I need a green thumb now and then, mine broke at birth.

Anyway; Buona notte e sogni d'oro il mio amore

...Dizzy xo

[Just Sara]

Hi again Paul;

Just an addit to my last post...

It's rare indeed to find someone I feel I can be myself with. Your presence in my world has truly helped to mend my broken and seemingly lost life. I am grateful beyond words...

Thankyou for the man you are; were and will always be...a treasure of unequal value and strength of giving. I live in hope you will some day allow into your life, all the greatness and beauty you've shared and given to others. I read your posts often admiring your wonderful nature within that you bestow on 'us', your 'receivers'.

Bless you Paul...

[blondguy]

There is nothing Dizzy about you at all....you do have an innate sense of clarity and kindness..

Your wonderful post just made my day more than you know Dizzy 🙂

Hugs and thankyou from my heart Dizzy...Paul

[Just Sara]

I hope you had a great weekend Paul;

I haven't noticed you around for a few days. Everyone needs space now and then.

It's after midnight and I'm in a bit of a slump. My thread about being the 'only one' has morphed into a different direction and i'm disappointed. I've taken some anti anxiety med's and apologise if my writing is scattered. Lethargy is also creeping in.

My son took his stuff out of my house today to move into his own place...I feel a sense of loss, but there's something else napping from inside wanting to be acknowledged, it just won't reveal itself.

I'm wondering if you did anything exciting and new while awy. I hope so. Good people deserve good things. Maybe you met someone...that'd be nice eh.

Ok...am going to bed now, med's have kicked in a treat.

Sleep tight my friend nand dream a dreema of me..dizy xox

[White_Rose]

Hello Dizzy

Sorry to read about your sadness. We know it just rolls on over us and all we can do at times is hang on until it starts to fade. Not that it makes it an easier or less painful during the process.

I remember when my children (finally) left home permanently. I was pleased for them starting a new way of living where they were responsible for themselves. They were starting their own journey instead of being part of mine and I missed them. At one stage three of the four left almost together. My eldest daughter had really left for good while the second daughter was going to the UK to work and see the sights. My son went to uni in Victoria. One left and he was the quietest of all of them. I felt very close to him at that time.

Once that one had left I did indeed feel a sense of loss. Strange really. I have never wanted to throw them out and simply believed they would go when they wanted. The reality of them leaving was surprising. It took ages to learn to cook for two, ex and me. Actually I was alone for much of the time until I left as he worked when I was at home to large extent.

Anyway, I wanted you to know that we feel this loss whether the children come home and visit or not. I tried hard not to be too protective but it was hard. Letting go is not as easy as it looks. I suppose it gives us chance to grow ourselves, in different directions from those dictated by the routines of our children. Certainly it gave me the opportunity to live with my husband without the filter of the kids. And it helped me to move out myself and start my new life without him.

There are times when I would love a hassle free life, but we do learn and grow.

Mary

[Just Sara]

Lovely to hear from you Mary;

Your story is like so many of us mother's; empty nest syndrome. I can't imagine going through this with many children like you though. Just one was enough whew!

After some thought on this I came to the conclusion that what I'm experiencing is normal. Culturally speaking, dealing with an empty nest is a 'right of passage' for a woman. Just as it is for our children to live independently of their parents. Completing each stage brings with it a new way of life and so on. That's why celebrating our birthdays and especially our 21st is so important...milestones.

I should be celebrating that I finally feel free to 'come out' and live life authentically. Thanks to people like you, especially you, I've found me. How wonderful!

I don't have much time today, otherwise I could write more. Must catch up soon Mary for a good chin-wag.

Warm thoughts...Dizzy xoxo