So I search the internet seeking a cure.

Emily1963 · ‎24-11-2018

I struggle with who I am.

I know I'm a female. I know I'm transgender.

And in my heart I know I must be me and want to be me.

But I'm still conflicted with my confused and inconsistent feelings.

So I search the internet seeking a cure.

I have tried to hide and when I could no longer hide the price I paid was high.

But the price others paid was much higher than the price that I paid.

And the price goes on and the expenses and strains on life are real.

So I search the internet seeking a cure.

Now that I'm transitioning, I like to be who I am.

And all the while I struggle with who I am.

I have HRT so my body can also be who I am.

But changes are slow and very inconsistent.

So I search the internet seeking a cure.

All the time thinking,

What if I find it?

Because I want to be me.

What if there is a cure?

But I need to be me.

What then?

So I search the internet seeking a cure.

My life is a struggle and yet still I push on.

Because I secretly hope that one day I'll wake up and just be me.

But in a world that hates the transgender I am,

How can I ever be me?

So I search the internet seeking a cure.

Quercus · ‎25-11-2018

Hi Emily and welcome to the forum family.

What a post! I hope others read it soon and that it resonates as powerfully as it has to me.

My gut feeling was hope. Hope that the only 'cure' to be found is the realisation that we don't have to give a crap about what others think 😊.

Good on you for choosing what is right for you.

I may not understand how it feels because I am not a transgender woman. But as a person who wore masks and performed for most of my life I can respect the strength it takes to allow yourself to be who you are inside. Opening yourself up to criticism and hurt takes guts.

You have a safe place here. If you feel the need to reach out for support please know you are welcome.

Nat

Croix · ‎25-11-2018

Dear Emily

I'd like to join Nat in welcoming you here, I don't think you will have to pay any price here for talking frankly, as we say - you are welcome.

Finding out who you are is for everybody a lifetime task, gender, character, knowing one's strenght, what one fears, all of it takes time and should be done in an atmosphere of kindness, support and understanding.

Unfortunately there are many in the world with blinkers and no empathy. So yes a cure is needed, but it is for them, not you.

I am sure anyone who writes so eloquently and with such awareness will come to be comfortable with the self.

Croix

marcus_c · ‎26-11-2018

Hi Emily, what a great poem. It sounds like you're staying true to the person you'd like to be despite feeling a lot of confusion and facing struggles to be accepted. I wonder if you wanted to talk a bit more about what 'cure' means to you. What is it that you're hoping to find on your search? When you say you would love to wake up one day and 'just be me', who is the 'me' you have in your mind and heart?

Emily1963 · ‎27-11-2018

Hi Marcus

In my mind I know that I am female. I know this in my heart and the deepest part of my soul. But I also know that something is desperately wrong because when I look at my body, I see a male – a male that shouldn’t be there, shouldn’t exist. When I think about it my problems started when I was born because of my body was male and growing up I hated being a boy because I was not a boy. But if I told someone I was a girl, or that I wanted to be a girl, I was told I had to be a boy because that was what I was born.

A sickly child, I was a loner and at school I was teased, pushed and excluded by other children who saw me as different and wrong – they would often tell me I was weird. Teachers and other adults in authority generally had a disliked for me and though they would mostly ignore me, I would suffer some type of 'punishment' if I was too girley for them. I would sit in class and day-dream about being somewhere far away, being free and being me – just being a girl. When the teachers caught me daydreaming, or if I acted like a girl in class, they would make a comment about me, so everybody could laugh at me.

At night before going to bed, I’d close my eyes and pray to God and ask Him to fix everything so that when I woke in the morning my body would be right. If I won the wishbone break, I would make a secret wish for my body to change. I would even put a one cent piece into every wishing well I came across hoping that would make my wish come true.

Even today I would love to wake up one morning and everything would be normal. I would be an ordinary woman, in an ordinary world, living an ordinary life. Instead every morning I wake up and the first thing I notice is that my body is still wrong.

Even though it’s all wrong, I know they can’t really fix my body because that’s the way I was born. I know from the way people treat me that I’m also not supposed to think I’m a female, but they can’t seem to fix that either. That’s why I would like to find a cure. I would love to find something that just fixed my body, if I could just take a tablet one night that would be nice, but I know rationally that will never happen – it can’t happen.

So that means the only other part to fix is my brain. Make it so I am no longer a female and that I accept the wrongness of my body as being right. But this cure also scares me because in my heart and the deepest part of my soul I know that I am female, so if they fix my brain then I no longer exist.

Croix · ‎27-11-2018

Dear Emily~

My heart goes out to you, trying to live every day with a mismatch between the body you were born with and your identity in your mind is a huge burden to bear, not helped by some with cruel attitudes.

I do have to question your conclusion, making the assumption the body cannot be fixed and thus it has to be the brain. You sound sensitive, literate and have strenght. A brain and personality to treasure.

I was watching a cricket commentator, Cate McGregor, who had a simialr problem and I believe successfully addressed it later in life.

I guess maybe you have thought of this however without being hasty, giving up or becoming convinced of anything may I suggest you look at all options, get the best expert advice and see if in fact the body can be brought in line, if not now then later on?

Croix

MsPurple · ‎27-11-2018

Hi Emily and welcome to the forums

Like everyone here my heart goes out to you. I can hear the pain in your words. I wish you could feel ok with yourself and who you are. There is nothing wrong with being transgender. You can't help how you feel. I felt the same way about being bisexual. I wish I could be 'normal'. I know they are not the same thing at all. I just want you to know I know how it feels wanting to be something your not.

Have you discussed this with a health care professional. I see a wonderful GP who also has an interest in the LGBT+ community and transgender health. There are many doctors/psychologists etc who specialise in this area. They understand what you are going through. I am not saying you have to transition. It is a very personal thing and it is your decision, but these professionals can help regardless of your decision and they can be an understanding support system as well.

Your poem was beautiful. I hope you find happiness in who you are.

If you want support from other members of the LGBT+ community there is a forum called rainbow cafe. I know there are a few transgender people there who maybe more insightful on transgender issues than myself.