Relationship-Linked Anxiety and Depression

KeepingStill · ‎29-04-2014

Hello,

This is my first time posting on this forum, I'm hoping I can get some perspective and help on relationship-linked negative thought patterns.

For the past 2 years I have been suffering from cyclic bouts of anxiety and depression. I saw a therapist last year for a few months but can no longer afford it.

My depression/anxiety has a particularly pernicious aspect in that my negative thoughts are almost entirely focused on my relationship with my boyfriend: including thoughts that I don't love him, that he isn't attractive enough, that I will never find him sexually attractive and that things will never work out.

This is particularly frustrating because I will have 'moments of clarity' either whilst with him or apart from him where I realise all of this thinking is ridiculous, I have an amazing relationship and we have so much in common, and I find him very attractive. Whenever I get to the point of asking myself: 'do I want to leave the relationship?' the answer is always a very clear 'no' in my head.

Yet my thoughts plague me every time I see him. Sometimes I can apply CBD tactics and shut the thoughts to the back-burner, other times they overwhelm me and I feel incredibly sad. We have been together for a year and half now, and I'm kind of at the end of my tether.

Treatment options I have tried are mindfulness, stopping negative thoughts through block tactics ('I'll deal with that later' 'lets just refocus' etc), behavioural changes (better sleep, exercise etc) and herbal based anti-depressants. They can help for brief periods, but my cycle of doubt often starts again and lasts for months.

We have a very honest and open relationship. He knows exactly what is going on with me and is very supported. We talk about my thoughts often and helps to spot bad patterns. When I get him involved though, I do often feel guilty. Nobody likes to be told they aren't being loved and are being criticised based on appearance. He does appear to take it in his stride though.

Because this has continued to plague our relationship since its beginning, I'm often forced to ask myself "Is it all just the relationship?" and I don't know how to get the perspective to figure that out.

Should be noted that I'm 25, gay, and whilst I've had semi-serious relationships in the past (couple of months) this is my first long-term one. I never really saw myself as much of a 'relationship' person before meeting him. It is also worth noting that we began dating a few months after an ex-boyfriend and friend of mine committed suicide, so I've struggled to figure out if that has prejudiced my perception of the whole thing.

So, I'm here for some advice.

(1) Have any of you been plagued by relationship doubts leading to depression/anxiety? How have you dealt with them?

(2) Any tips for figuring out how to separate 'real doubts' from mental illness?

(3) Any good negative thought-stopping techniques I can try?

Jess6468 · ‎18-06-2016

Hi I'm in my first relationship now and am going through the exact same things as you are. Currently seeing a psychologist and undergoing CBT. I seem to still be struggling with this a lot. Just wondering how you've handled with it so far?

Gruffudd · ‎20-06-2016

Hi Jess,

Welcome to the forums. It sounds complicated with quite a bit of new stuff in your life with a new relationship and CBT - a lot to think about.

For me CBT seemed a little fake at first, but reframing and challenging the negative thinking has made a huge difference and it is not fake anymore. I talk to myself as a way of caring, The negative thinking drags down and the CBT helped find a more reasonable view of myself and others.

How does undergoing CBT effect your relationship? Have your views or expectations shifted?

Rob.

KF · ‎19-09-2016

Hi KeepingStill

Your post resonates strongly with me. I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years. I love him a lot but I have always felt very up and down in the relationship - constantly worrying about it, always finding things that could be better. I felt like I could never just be 'ok' and 'coast'. Lately I have felt very anxious around him to the point of not being able to eat etc. We have decided to take a break so I can work everything out. He is being so understanding and it breaks my heart. I don't know whether my anxiety is affecting my relationship or my relationship is making me anxious. Or both. I have started on an SSRI a few days ago. I have a few questions that I would really like your insight to:

1) Did you experience anxiety and worry when you were with your boyfriend?

2) How did the SSRI change your thought patterns re your relationship? How did you notice a difference?

Would really appreciate your help.

Paul · ‎23-09-2016

Hi Keeping Still,

Welcome.

I can relate the the doubts in a relationship, I experience that as well. It's an upsetting torment that we can do without!

Something jumped out at me in your post and I understand it might be hard to talk about. Are you comfortable to tell us more about how you felt when your ex boyfriend suicided?

Paul

Paul · ‎23-09-2016

Hi Again KeepingStill

I just remembered that you had asked some questions at the bottom of your post.

1. Yes I have been seeing a psychiatrist and having therapy. My doubts stem from my father leaving when I was 5 and not being able to trust loving someone for fear of the same thing happening (very shortened version)

2. There are some ways to explore where the doubts come from. It's about finding patterns and sometimes they are unconscious patterns we don't even realise are happening. Our unconscious mind tries to protect us from pain and can be pretty good at generating doubt to make us avoid pain again. Let's talk more about this together in our next post.

3. There are two techniques that I know work for me. It depends on whether they are thoughts or feelings but the concept is similar.

Firstly - diffusion making thoughts or feelings weaker so they are manageable.

Thoughts: When you have a persistent thought that is ridiculous, turn it into something ridiculous! Sing that thought to the tune of the happy birthday song in your head. You'll probably laugh out loud - that's cool. it takes a bit of practice, but if the thought is ridiculous, make it ridiculous!

Feelings: Let's say you feel an emotion coming on, let it come up to you but don't let it in. By that I mean no self talk about it and no judgement. Just look at it in your mind. Name it. "that looks like ......" I have a stupid orange pouch that I imagine putting the emotion in to. Some people imagine throwing it away or seeing it fade or explode. It takes a bit of practice.

Sometimes I have to back-track because I feel like I have missed out on grabbing an emotion before it affected me and "something doesn't feel right" I backtrack in my mind and find where I started to feel bad, then I play it in slow motion, grab the emotion that triggered my anxiety or started my feeling bad, give it a name, see where it fit in to the picture and then put it in the orange pouch (which is always empty by the way)

The second feelings exercise is deflection. If you feel a disturbing emotion coming on, say to yourself "Here it comes", but imagine it on a train. Then watch the train and the emotion pass you by. It's important to say to yourself "Here it comes" because that then changes the emotion into an object that you can then put onto the train and let it pass you by.

Have a go of those and let me know if you find any helpful. I find the train really helpful.

Hope this helps

Paul

21cats · ‎11-12-2018

Hi KeepingStill and all,

I'm a bit late to the conversation but this posts really resonates with me too.

I started seeing a guy recently who led me to feel a way I've never felt before. I've never been in a long-term relationship, and like KeepingStill, have found being single as a safe space for me. This guy is caring, smart and handsome. And in many ways, I've felt like he is too good to be true. We have great chemistry, he's very understanding and we are very loving... something very unlike me! He is one of the greatest people I've ever met.

However, as the relationship began to progress I became overwhelmingly filled with doubts and anxieties. They began as I started to obsessively think about him 24/7, when I wasn't with him I felt very down. At first, the thoughts were positive but then they began to be very negative and intrusive. I started to tell myself he is ugly and he isn't right for me. Leading me to have a series of panic attacks. I also began to lash out on him, dramatically ending it after not being with him for two hours, and telling him I didn't find him sexually attractive.

Like others, I would ask myself "Are you having fun? Is this the way it's meant to be?" And would question to myself whether I found others attractive (people I would never usually look at) almost to tell myself that I shouldn't be with him. Whilst I knew I had 0 interest in being with anyone else.

On the other side, I love him very much. I get excited to see or talk to him, I still get butterflies before we meet. He makes me laugh and act in ways I've never acted before, and I care about him in a way that seems alien to me. All of this makes it harder and more distressing to have negative and intrusive thoughts. Also, our sex is the best both of us have ever had, yet my mind finds ways to intrude into that too.

Like many others, I thought that he just wasn't right for me. But the more I thought about it the more I realised it could be the intrusive deceiving side of anxiety. I have had similar thoughts about other people close to me before, dark thoughts that are made to cause my distress and retreat from the other person.

Whilst he is very understanding and wants to work my anxiety through with me, I didn't feel it was fair on him and I needed time on my own to think it through.

Your post has given me comfort KeepingStill in that it could be worked out. As despite ending it, I maybe naively still see a future.

Any more recommendations would be welcomed.

E

marcus_c · ‎11-12-2018

Hi 21cats, welcome. It makes sense that if you have been single for a long time, and (by the sounds of it) deliberately, then adjusting to life in a relationship comes with some big changes. One of those is opening yourself up and being vulnerable. If you open yourself up to loving someone and being loved, then that also means it's going to hurt like hell if you lose it (otherwise it would have no value). This can sometimes lead to some pretty self-sabotaging behaviour (I'm going to cut this off before I get hurt, that way I remain in control). From what you're saying, it sounds like this is a pattern you've noticed happening before.

It's pretty normal to be infatuated in the early stages of meeting someone, to think about them all the time and want to be around them. If you've never been in a long term relationship before, this will be even more intense because these feelings are new.

It might be worth having some time reflect on why you've been single up until now. You describe it as a 'safe space' for you. Why is that? What becomes 'unsafe' when you let someone into your life?

It is good to work through these things before committing to someone long-term. I have been in relationships with guys in the anxious-avoidant cycle and it's not nice to be on the other end of it.