Recently split up, unsure how to start all over again

[SensibleSummer]

Hi,

I’ve recently broken up with my ex partner. Well he broke up with me and without giving too much details I took full responsibility for what happened. We had been together for more than 10yrs. I’m a 40yo male. I’m feeling sad and also unsure how to start everything all over again. I don’t have many friends and I don’t know where to meet other people to make friends. I’m not a very social person. I know Grindr is popular but I’m not sure if people go there to make friends. Been in a relationship for so long I guess I was kinda feeling too comfortable to just spend most of times with my ex partner. And yes, it hurts knowing that I wouldn’t be able to spend the rest of my life with him but I wanted him to be happy. Also being at certain age (40) I don’t think it would be easy to find a new partner and have a long term relationship.

[SensibleSummer]

Thanks Jay.

It’s not easy, I know. Sometimes I feel better but other times I don’t feel good.

I’ve been having trouble in sleeping lately. The night we broke up I couldn’t sleep at all. Every night after that when I go to sleep at night I always found myself awake in the middle of the night and couldn’t continue sleeping. It’s just when I awake in the middle of the night thought of being alone makes me feel sad & lonely. Writing this reply at 3:56AM now, I’ve been awake since 3:30AM.

We’re still living together (separate sleeping arrangement) as the break up has only just happened recently. Been looking online for a new apartment to rent but there’s nothing really stand out (I like). Should I just not being picky and just choose any apartment for the sake of moving out. I just think if I do this and I don’t really like the place it won’t really help me in term of dealing with my separation grief. My ex said I could take as long time as I can to find a new place to live.

I’ve only told one person (apart from posting messages here) about the breakup. A college from work who I became good friend with. But I didn’t share much details of the breakup. Haven’t told any of my friends (have few friends but I don’t see them often). Don’t think I could just send them an sms announcing the breakup, and I feel embarrassed to let them know. I’m afraid of them thinking I’m such a failure. My family is overseas and I’m not out to them so can’t really talk about it with them. So yeah, been trying to deal with this bymyself. It’d get better hopefully.

Anyway, just thought I write something here since I couldn’t sleep.

[marcus_c]

Hi Sensible Summer, I know the 3am feeling, it's not nice. I found the best way to deal with it was to not fight the fact that I couldn't get back to sleep, and either get up for a while to do a non-stimulating activity (reading a book, no TV or screens), or lie in bed and listen to a podcast or audiobook. Even if you're not asleep, you are still resting.

I didn't realise you were still living in the same place, that must be making it harder for you. Maybe you can find somewhere temporary while you look for somewhere that's going to be more permanent? I just wonder whether in your current state that you are going to find excuses for not moving because you're not ready to let go yet, which makes perfect sense. But it's a bit like ripping off a band aid, better to get it over and done with than draw it out.

I hear you on the feeling like a failure side of things. How much of that feeling is based on things you actually did in the relationship, and how much of it is a vague feeling that you 'should' be able to make a long term relationship work? I can identify with the last one for sure. The marriage debate was quite difficult for me for that reason, and I sometimes am resentful of friends who are in (what appear to be) successful long term relationships.

Hope you managed to get some rest.

[Just Sara]

Good morning Summer; (Shout outs to Marcus and Jay)

I'm sorry if my last post didn't fit your situation. I guess my style on here includes out-of-the-box discussions as a means of encouraging dialog. It can be difficult for first time posters to get into the swing of things; it's my responsibility as a volunteer peer to help people feel comfortable and safe enough to keep talking.

I too didn't realise you were still living together. This isn't ideal as a mindset for moving on and would be difficult facing your grief. It does however make things easier to plan the next phase of your life. Your ex is really gracious with giving you time to organise.

Learning or remembering how to be single takes patience. Reading how you're indecisive about a new place to live may reflect this. It's challenging to take on responsibilities on your own after 10 yrs of sharing accountability. I'm sure though you have what it takes to get there.

I'm wondering if you have a psychologist to talk with. Living in such close quarters with him might tempt you to talk about your feelings and keep you attached. Someone not emotionally connected with you will provide an avenue to vent or discuss ways to support your move and grief.

It's a process Summer; one step at a time. Try to focus on each issue as they come up instead of the big picture. This will help you gently come to terms with your situation while celebrating your achievements as they occur; ultimately you'll gain strength as time passes to face each challenge as they arise.

Talking with your friends about the break-up would give you another support system to rely on. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need to ok.

Maybe your GP can support your lack of sleep with some light med's to kick start a healthy pattern. It doesn't have to be long term, just a strategy to see you thru this difficult period.

I wish you well my friend..

Be gentle and kind with yourself;

Sez

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Sensible summer,

I have been reading this thread with interest.

Like the others I did not realise you were still under the one roof.

My situation years ago was different in many ways as we were living in my house when I we agreed to break up but my ex would not leave and it became very uncomfortable for me.

Living under the same roof once the relationship is over I found to be very draining. At least you are polite to each other and he has given you time to organise what to do next.

I find lack of sleep at any time to be difficult but when you need to make decisions it will make you exhausted. I am not sure why 3.00am is the time we wake up and then stare at the clock and see how slow time goes.

Look after yourself

Quirky

[SensibleSummer]

Hi Marcus,

Thank you for you advise on how to deal with the 3am feeling.

We rented the apartment and both of our name are on the lease. I decided to move out and he's happy to stay. You are right, I was hoping my ex would change his mind and give me a chance so I don't have to move out. But now that I've come to realisation that it really is over I know I should move out soon. Have scheduled a few inspections this weekend so hopefully I'll find one to move in. Would love to move out soon but I just don't want to pick any apartment for the sake of moving out (perhaps in my situation this is justified?) and have to move to another place again next year just because I don't like it. I'm a type of person who loves stability (hence this separation came as quite a shock for me) so prefer to stay in one place for a while. I've found the rental market is quite competitive as well. Went to inspect an apartment today and there were so many turned up.

With regards to feeling like a failure, it's a bit of both (based on things that I did or rather didn't do' and feeling that I and my ex should be able to make it work.

[SensibleSummer]

Hi Sez,

There's no need to apologise. The way you explained it on your last post, I would never thought of it that way. I learned something new and it's a good thing.

I don't have have a psychologist to talk with. I find that I explain things better in writing then talking so posting messages in this online forum is actually helping me a lot.

Thank you for your advise, to try to focus on each issue as they come up instead of the big picture. One step at a time.

Hopefully I'll be able to manage to get decent sleep so I don't need to see a GP.

I feel better today than yesterday but every now and then the memory of me and my ex together (all the things we shared and did in the past) flashes before my eyes and when that happens it made me sad. But things will get better eventually.

[SensibleSummer]

Hi Quirky,

Thank you for your kind message.

[BballJ]

Hi SensibleSummer,

I have been there when those wake up's happen in the middle of the night, they are the worst. That's the anxiety and grief taking over I think. I am glad you find the forums a place to open up, it is exactly what they are here for. This stuff just needs time to heal, it is never easy. As time goes on, you will start to feel better. Moving out will be a big thing to start the healing process as well. You do not have to rush however.

My best,

Jay

[SensibleSummer]

Hi Jay,

Thank you for your kind message. You’re right it takes time to heal. It is not easy for sure but I’m encouraged by your and others (shout out to Marcus, Sez, MrBP & Quirkywords) input and advises on how to deal with the break up.

Thank you all to make time to post your messages.

[SensibleSummer]

Hi all,

Thought I'd give you all an update. I have moved into my own apartment about two weeks ago. My ex has been kind enough to help me out with moving and settle in my apartment. And yes, we still keep in touch.

In term of how I feel. some days I feel ok but other days I feel sad when thinking about the break up. I miss being with him. But I know he's moved on and I should too.