Queer and STRESSED about love
I have struggled with my sexuality for a long time. A few close trusted people know that I identify as queer, I am not “publicly” out (I’m not necessarily hiding it I just haven’t told many people?) I’m also in a Christian community and would actively consider myself a “god botherer” (so yeah there’s some baggage there 😬)
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, we grew up together and were good friends for about 5 years before we got together. I love him, I definitely don’t doubt that. He is truly one of the most caring, wonderful people I know. He’s supportive and just everything you can ask for in a long term partner really. I came out to him before we got together, he’s absolutely cool with it and supportive- but I don’t know that he understands it or how hard it can be for me to be in a “straight” presenting relationship when that’s not who I am.
we are really serious, he would propose tomorrow and be with me for the long haul if I was ready for it. But lately I’ve been feeling really pulled towards exploring what it means to be queer, and I don’t think I can do that within the relationship. If I’m honest I have always seen myself with a wOman long term. But I love him?? It’s so confusing.
The last thing in this world I would want is to hurt him. Why would I break up with someone I love, who is a fantastic partner and who loves me unconditionally for the possibility of a relationship with someone else... who might not even exist!
I just want him to be loved in the way he deserves to be. And have someone pour as much out to him as he does, but I question if I am that someone. We have spoken about it a couple of times, he says that I am more than enough for him and he loves the way that I love him.
it’s causing me so much anxiety, I think about it all the time. How much it would hurt us both to not be together anymore, whether it’s fair for me to stay if I’m feeling this way.
How do I unpack this with him without scaring him? I don’t know what to do I’m feeling so lost.
Dear Hootsweet ~
I have no instant answer to your problem. You are very obvious a caring person wiht a sensor of responsibility and the ability to love. it is unfortunate to say the least you are in a relationship that could easily become permanent that may go against your sexual identity.
May I offer some thoughts?
I admit they are probably biased as I'm old enough to remember people getting married due to pregnancy as a duty -irrespective of their feelings for each other, society demanded it, and things did not always turn out well.
Say you stayed with him, not wanting him to be hurt and tried your best to give him what he needs -at your expense.
Do you think things will remain the same between you or might either of you build up anger and resentment later on at a realtionship based upon sacrifice?
Again in the future a desire to "wander" might be very powerful.
On another matter in a way at the moment you live in a protected world, with someone to look after you, love you and be prepared to live their life with you. You in turn react to this and try to make that person happy, look after them.
'Looking after' is both short and long term.
Should you leave you may find that you are not as fortunate, and that while sexual partners may be available, the nurture you are used to is missing, a different ball-game. Plus from the sound of it you may not have had a great deal of experience of queer sex and relationships, forgive me if I misunderstand.
If I look as myself (I'm straight BTW though I'm not sure that comes into it) and wanted to be with someone long-term I'd have to know myself well enough to make a sincere offer of partnership, and that includes my sexual identity. I would have no plans in mind to try other things later.
I suppose I'm saying in my own case I'd need to find out who I was and then choose or be chosen as a partner on that basis.
Please do not think I'm trying to steer you in any particular direction, I do not have a religion and think love, honesty and cherishing are the most important elements of a relationship ,and that includes the genuine intimacy and pleasure of sex, an important bridge for both people.
I'm not sure I've helped much, talk here as much as you would like, I'm sure there are many who will understand exactly.
There are different kinds of love.
It sounds as though you are describing a situation where your current partner is someone you hold a deep emotional connection, you have history together. That you told him, before you got together, that you have interest in the same sex indicates he is accepting and caring of you as well.
In an ideal world your problem would not exist, and while you are in your current relationship some of your desires/needs are not being met. I am concerned about how you described it as 'straight presenting relationship,' which suggests that the arrangement outside the home is different from within the home and that when you are out and about you are acting out the role of girlfriend for the benefit of others which is not really a great thing for you to have to keep up appearances.
You will definitely need to talk to him about the situation, try not to jump to any conclusions and give him time to think before you expect a reply. He may need as long as you have been thinking about this to be able to discuss the situation in depth.
Who knows, you may be able to both find someone else each and stay best friends.