Not sure where to go from here?

[Joshua]

Hello, 

I don't really have a lot of people in my life right now that I can talk to about this stuff, and I keep a lot of this hidden - mostly I think out of shame and anxiety (I get really nervous talking to people about personal stuff, even doctors and people I consider as very close friends). I also hate the disappointment that comes along with letting people down.

- So coming on here is attractive as I can discuss some of my concerns whilst still protected by the anonymity of the internet.

Last year I had a pretty serious drug addiction to narcotics with the help of my doctor and mother I managed to kick the habit and I'm now clean, and really have no desire what so ever to go back to addiction. 

There's a few reasons why I think I turned to drugs, but the underlaying theme was depression (I didn't know this at the time - but it's obvious now) I've been in emotional pain for a long time, I'm gay and was bullied a lot in high school, which really effected my confidence as an adult and taught me anxiety. I also was sexually assaulted when I was in my early 20's and always felt it was own fault for putting myself in a stupid situation. I've only just begun to accept that I wasn't responsible for what happened (at age 29). I've also had problems with my body image and have suffered with bulimia on and off since a teenager. 

But in the past few years especially it's been building up and I guess last year it got to the point were I couldn't cope day-to-day so I engaged in reckless behaviour. To feel something other than the numbness or as escapism. I was a functioning addict, and it was very well hidden. 

I managed to hold down part-time professional employment (HR role) and study full-time (3rd year Architecture student).

When my mother discovered my addiction and confronted me - I became very emotionally unstable and couldn't stop crying - usually I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve - I cried for the better part of 4 days. With her support I managed to complete stop abusing drugs. 

During this time I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts, mostly just wishing I was dead and thinking about different ways it could happen. 

I ended up attempting suicide and I went to hospital. But I played it down as I realised I had acted on impulse and really didn't want to die. I spoke to the pysch people and then was allowed to leave the next day. 

My doctor recommend that I start taking an antidepressant which I've been on for the last three months. 

I've been doing quiet well over this period - I generally feel pretty even (emotionally stable) I don't really have highs or lows it's just constant and I feel I am able to see things with much more clarity, and the meds really helped with my anxiety. 

Unfortunately the last week I've started getting pretty sad again, crying lots, and thinking about suicide again. Focusing (or fantasising ? I'm not sure what's the correct word here?)

So far only my mum, and doctor know what's going here. My other friends, family, peers and coworkers were just aware that I was unwell but it was never specified with what, and people generally weren't too nosey. 

I moved from to Perth at the beginning of last year from Sydney, part of the reason was study related and then also I was planning on trying to turn my life around a new start etc etc. 

So I don't have a lot of friends here - and I really don't feel too comfortable discuss all this in a lot of detail. I actually live with my mum at the moment, but she's gone on a 4 week cruise with my grandma and aunties (this was all booked and paid for prior to me getting unwell/her known what was going on). 

I'm not sure if it's because I'm here alone or whether this would have happened either way - but it sucks that she's gone, and it sucks that I'm having these dark thoughts. 

I don't really have many places I can turn to - I'm hoping somebody online can give me some advice on how to proceed from here. I'm scared I will hurt myself again, I don't know/can't remember at what point you go from have dark thoughts to actually acting those thoughts out. 

Mental health scares me - there's been a history of this behaviour in my family. My cousin took his life a few years ago and my father was an addict who died of an overdose. 

I'm just worried that I'll go the same way.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[SGde3a]

Hi Joshua,

The Architechure is a great idea. Anything else creative is a great idea as well.

Make sure you work out in your head what an ideal male role model is. Don't think your biological ansestors are automatically your parents - Mothers mother, and Fathers father. Your mother sounds like she's doing a great job, but I don't think you particularily had a father from what you said. The ideal male father does not take drugs and is not depressed and would not be irresponsible enough to overdose. No matter what the inclination is to think - Mothers mother, Fathers father. Go through movies and tv shows and write down good male role model traits would be my suggestion.. All the best.. Michael.

[Neil_1]

Hi Joshua

Welcome to Beyond Blue and may I say, "Bloody good on you for not only posting, but providing the detail that you did", considering you said that you're not one for opening up too much.  But again, as we know, this is moderated and a safe environment.

What we need now is to have you in a safe environment as well.  The architecture is a great thing for you to be completing.  I do hope that you're going really well with it and have you got long now till it's completed?

May I ask what other interests/hobbies, things you enjoy that you like doing?  And really "anything" fits the bill here?  Music, reading, any sports, running/walking, oh look, I could go on, but I'd bore you and I don't want that.

Your mum does sound like one of those 'awesome mum's' you hear about from time to time - and while I fully understand that you're missing her at the moment, I'll also bet that you're hoping that she's having an absolutely fabulous time.  Are you able to say where her cruise is going too?  I only ask cause me and my fam LOVE cruises ... well we've only done 2 so far in the last couple of years but we have an awesome time on them.

Here's something to put to you - would you be interested on doing a cruise?  You know, down the track a little bit and with your mum?  Just a thought - but also something to occupy yourself with, cause on the interweb you can find so many of them to destinations almost everywhere.  But I guess you've got to want to do a cruise or, you know, like it ... if it's not something you'd ever consider then whoops, please disregard this last para!  🙂

The meds that you've been put on do sound like they were working, but I can understand the feelings you're having now, I think mainly due to your major support - your mum not being there at the moment.  Is it possible that you can make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible, so you can just let him know what the latest news is:  ie:  your mum not here at the moment and how you feel you're not coping as well.

Was great that you posted and I do hope you can get back to us.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Joshua, thanks for joining us here.

Firstly can I say that anybody's sexuality is of no concern to us, so please don't be afraid one bit.

It seems to resonate that bullying at school can lead to major problems for a person and in this case it's been you, kids don't understand the damage that this can cause, and it has, because you started taking drugs as a self-medication, but with the help of your mum you have stopped, so your mum must be a fantastic lady, caring and willing to do anything to help you, so she is your back-stop, and how you must be missing her, just as she is for you.

You say that mental illness has been involved in the family, so I wonder whether your mum has been free from this illness, and I gather that she has, because you need strength to help someone with depression and not to also fall into a heap.

What you have to do while she is still away is to sit down and write a brief journal, and there will be plenty of tears I know, but mention all the good parts that your mum has achieved over the years, but these have to be mostly about you, and there will bits and pieces that you will forget, but this will keep her with you until she returns home, and boy won't that be great for both of you.

She may ask you if you have been to hospital, and if you say yes, then she will know the reason why, and she maybe very upset if you do, so instead give her a good record, and trust me, this will be the highlight of her trip.

We are here all the time and if you don't get a reply back straight away please don't worry, we will get back to you, but at the moment hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[Joshua]

Hello everyone, 

Firstly I'd really like to thank you guys for responding to my message - I was really feeling lost and scared the day I wrote that. But things have gotten better for me in the last week. I really just think it's the ups and downs of my depression. I seem to have good weeks and bad weeks.   

All the positive things you guys said; it's really nice to know there are strangers out their who are caring and compassionate - when I read your responses it really made my day 🙂

I think you guys all really have great ideas and I'll definitely take them on board. 

Geoff - a few people have mentioned the journal thing - and actually writing does make feel better, I find it pretty therapeutic and it really helps me to focus my mind/organise my thoughts, so I'm going to commit to that. 

Neil1 - I'm in my 2nd year out of 5 (full-time), it takes a while to become an architect, but I'm really enjoying the challenge! Changing careers and doing something I'm passionate about is walking the right direction on the path to happiness. 

Prior to this I did a commerce degree (HR/IR) but that's really not for me, I always wanted to be an architect but I was talked out of if the first time around at university. So I'm pursing my dreams now.

SGde3a (Michael) - What you said about finding positive male role models in my life really resonated with me. I think that's one thing I've missed out on as a boy/young man - I never had a dad, but I could have looked for positive male figures, and you're right I'm never to old to make sure I have good male mentors around. I think a lot of my anxiety and self worth issues are systemic from this. 

Once again thanks for the input guys - It took me a while to get back on here, I've been limiting the amount of time I spend online, mostly because it's a distraction from school work, but also, I've been trying to cut technology use out of my life so that I'm forcing myself to have more meaningful interactions with my peer, friends and family (instead of interacting with people through Facebook, or spending my free hours watching movies online etc).

This way I can spend time reading books, exercising, going outside for walks/runs/swims, riding my bike etc. 

I hope you all have a lovely weekend 🙂 

Peace, Joshua. 

[Neil_1]

Hi Joshua

Hey, fantastic that you got back to us again … and please feel free to do so as often as you like.  As Geoff said, “We’re always here” but I do like your extremely positive take on things at the bottom of your latest message – getting out and about – all of what you wrote (I won’t quote it back to you, cause you know what you wrote 🙂 

Joshua, that’s all really excellent to read. You know, there’s one thing that I don’t do (well actually that’s not true – there’s 3 things), but one of them is Facebook.  When it started everybody was jumping on board and I thought, nope, I won’t and you know, I’m really glad that I haven’t.  I’m just a plain old boring email kinda guy, but it serves its purpose beautifully for me – and so I avoid all other types of social media as well.  My psych also agrees with me as being of a fragile nature, being on Facebook could be fraught with great danger for someone like me.  I don’t know why I told you that – but there you go.

I really can’t remember and I’m sorry for asking this, but how long is it now till your Mum gets back OR indeed is she already back?

I’m also glad that you did initially post to us – when you’re in times like you were, it is really comforting to know that there is somewhere you can go to type and to receive responses back and sometimes the advice might be useful as well.  And that’s the thing with depressive illnesses, that we DO have good times and bad times;  ups and downs.

Anyway, I just wanted to post back to you to say thanx for getting back to us and yeah, I hope you have an enjoyable weekend as well.

Kind regards

Neil