I want to live stealth (FTM)

[brian23]

Hello, everyone.

I'm a trans man. I've been hormonally transitioning for a little under 2 years, and I had top surgery (a double mastectomy) earlier this year. I have a beard, a deep voice, and am covered in body hair. I'm very happy with my body. I started actively questioning my gender identity at 18 years of age, and lasted 2 more years living as a female before I knew I had to take steps to affirm my true identity. My pre-transition life was miserable, and I was constantly overwhelmed by depression and dysphoria. Now that I'm free of that, I feel absolutely euphoric within myself.

I transitioned super quickly, which was a privilege that I'm endlessly grateful for. All decisions were made with the input of multiple therapists and healthcare professionals. And now I'm left with a body I adore, living the life I dreamed of when I was a child.

I'm kinda tired of talking about trans stuff, though. I get exhausted being in the community. I never got to live a "normal" life, and do "normal" things, like my peers. I didn't date or have average teenage experiences, because I was too busy trying to wrangle my sense of self into being that of a cisgender girl. I want to do all those things now, but I don't know how to move on (at least temporarily) from the transgender community.

I just want to live my life as an average guy. I want my transition to be part of my medical history, and nothing more. I don't actively identify as transgender, I just feel male. In terms of categorisation and history, I am transgender, and I will always be a trans man; but in my day-to-day, I'd really rather just be me.

I feel obligated to be an activist, but I feel like I need some time that's just devoted to me. I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship, or to properly fall in love, or to be recognised as male by coworkers/peers without the caveat of them knowing I have a female past.

There's a lot of guilting that goes on, saying that people with privilege must perform activism. But I have been (among other things) suicidal, depressed, assaulted, and harassed... I do experience aspects of privilege, but I also resent the obligation to live a certain way because of that privilege, as if I haven't suffered too. Haven't I earned a few years of peace? Why can't I just be an average dude for a while? Must I remain this pubic about my gender history forever?

A recent traumatic incident, in the trans community, has caused these feelings to intensify.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Brian23..

I really do believe that you should put yourself first, you’ve had a rough time through your life, and now it’s your turn...to shine and enjoy your life..

I am sorry but I am very naive in knowing much about the thoughts/feeling etc...in regards to trans people, bi, gay... I consider everyone as a unique and beautiful person..and everyone has the right to live the best life they can...

I just wanted to pop in and let you know in my earlier post....That your life is your life, and you’re entitled and deserve time out for yourself...away from social media and publicity...You have no need to feel any guilt at all about wanting a private life....That’s what everyone wants and deserves...

My Kind and caring thoughts dear Brian23

[Centaured]

Hey brian23 I hear and feel your pain.
As an afab myself I relate to the idea of wanting/being stealth.Bssying that I don't want to make this thread about me, and i hear and understand the frustration if I take away from what you are trying to say and take away from the support you are trying to receive.

Being an advocate or voice for the trans community is hard and can get so tiring. Having to constantly answer questions when we just want to be out true selves and to be seen by the world as we are and not who we were.

I think it is possible to be stealth in the outside world whilst also being an advocate and speaking up for trans issues and not letting discrimination or transphobia or even just lack of education get in the way. There is a time and place for both, I think finding the balance would be key. I have no idea how you could achieve that though sorry.

I'm sorry I can't really help with any advice, but I just wanted to let you know I hear you and want to acknowledge how strong and amazing you are. I hope you manage to find some peace through this.

-C