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I’m so scared to tell my girl friend of 14 years I’m gay

Community Member
Where to start I feel scared I feel bad guilty. For the last year I been hiding a lie me and the mother of my kids have been fighting over every thing so I started to better my self by losing weight I was a big man I got to 160 kg and now I’m 97 kg the thing is I was doing it for her and kid and ended up doing it for my self y that was happening I all ways new something off I was attached to man but now I no that I’m gay I’m really scared to tell her I don’t want to lose my kids as they r my world she is the best mother and loving person and my bests friend I feel guilty every day and and getting sick to my stomach but I can’t help the way I feel I really don’t no what to say I have come out to my family and they did not care told me they love me and everything but I had the balls to say to them just don’t have them to say to the most important person I’m not shamed of being gay I’m just a person that don’t like to hurt people I’m a loving guy and I no this will hurt her so I really don’t no what to say I no it going to be hard I been waiting for after Christmas and her birthday but it’s really getting to me and I don’t think I can hold out that long I been sleeping on the couch and talking very little but I feel like I’m hurting her even more thanks
3 Replies 3

Hi Iceboy
We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community tonight and are so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. It must feel a relief in some aspect to be comfortable with your sexuality, and understandable that this must be very challenging in relation to your current partner.  We hope that you find our forums to be a safe, supportive, and inclusive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. We're sure that our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness. Given what you have posted, it might be an idea to also call for some further supports, which are listed below.
beyondblue Support Service – 1300 22 4636 or web chat or email available at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
Q-Life – 1800 184 527.
Keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel up to it.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Iceboy, welcome to the BB forums.

People should not be judged on their sexuality, everybody has a personality because appearance does not determine this, and to lose 63 kg is a massive effort and whether you have been questioned why this was your target, needs to be answered in full, especially as the relationship has been tenuous.

She may already believe you're gay and when you tell her isn't going to make any difference in how she looks after the children and remember kids are astute, they know what's going on and as parents, we often try and pretend, hide our hidden secrets but all in vain because they start to talk.

It's not going to make any difference whether you tell her now or after Xmas, except to prolong your anguish, and unfortunately other people also have their own family struggles during this time of the year.

As they say 'there's no better time than the present', the longer you wait the more difficult it will become.

Take care.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hi Iceboy,

Geoff is right. I hope you can find a way to tell your wife.

You said your wife is the most important person to you... but you told your family and haven't told her. That makes me feel uncomfortable.

As a wife and mum also I wanted to write and share my first thought reading your post... I think I'd feel very hurt in her shoes because after 14 years and having children together I would expect to be the first person told.

The idea of finding out you chose to tell your family and not me, and that everyone kept me in the dark would make me feel disrespected.

I suspect that the the longer they knew while I didn't the angrier I'd feel. Just something to consider seeing as you have kids to consider too.

I can understand you are afraid of hurting her. It doesn't sound easy at all. I hope you find a way to talk and work through this amicably.