I’m afraid my bisexual boyfriend is gay

[Alwaysanxious]

I’m currently in a loving relationship with an amazing man who I’ve known is bisexual for a long time.

Very early on (2nd date) he blurted it out to me unprompted. I hadn’t even suspected he was anything other than straight and was actually quite surprised. Being raised in a very open and accepting family - I’ve always had the “gay is okay” attitude but myself I am very heterosexual and honestly if you’d asked me before I met this man - I’d probably have said I can’t date a bi person. I feel horrible about admitting that but it’s true.

Anyway, I’m a pretty anxious person and I’m always ruminating on thoughts that aren’t helpful. I’ve been with this person for almost a year, we’ve lived together almost from the start, we have developed a serious and loving relationship. HHe’s my best friend and we are in love. Sometimes I worry though if he’s really gay and using me as a beard of sorts.

I know bisexuality exists and more people find themselves on the spectrum than not. I also know my partner is a truthful and loving human. But there’s always the worry in my mind of “what if he’s gay?”

His low sex drive leaves me questioning and is the only thing our relationship lacks. But he doesn’t act overtly sexual towards men or women.

there are so many questions I ask myself: Is he repressing homosexual feelings or is he just not a sexual person ? Does he love and feel attraction for me or does he just want a wife and kids and that “normal” life? Will I waste these formative years on the wrong person and find myself 50 years old with a husband who comes out as gay?

Most importantly, how do I stop these thoughts? It’s not fair to my partner to constantly question his sexuality and his love for me. I need to trust that if he says he’s bi- he’s bi. But what if I can’t trust it?

How do I decipher projection of my own insecurities from actually warranted doubt? I feel like if he wasn’t bi then he wouldn’t have told me and been so honest upfront? Is that a good sign?

i don’t want to lost this partner as he makes me so happy and is so loving and caring and fun. He’s my best friend. I just can’t seem to get rid of these insecurities.

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi AlwaysAnxious,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum. It is great to see you reaching out for some support. The fact that you have insight to your own worry is a really positive step towards getting the support you need to deal with your current state of mind.

Having worry in a relationship is really common. Sometimes people worry that there isn't enough love expressed in a relationship, sometimes it is about another persons behaviour or their history. In your case, its your partners sexual identity. Worry is a common theme that arises in relationships and can make people feel shaky and uncertain. Reducing worry is not easy but can be achieved with the right supports in place. Worry is sometimes completely expected and understood as to why it arises, and sometimes it is really irrational and out of place.

'Warranted doubt' as you call it is very dependent on the individual and nobody can tell any person what to worry about and what not too. You are not alone.

Talking with someone about your worry can be really helpful. It can help you to decipher if you are indeed worrying because you have something to worry about or whether you have worry because you are a worrier. Sometimes worry can lead us to focus on things that don't help us find the clarity we need. I describe worry as sitting in a rocking chair going back and forth but trying to get to the other side of the room. You go back and forth and back and forth and don't get anywhere. It can be really exhausting. Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

Having a chat to someone about your situation can be really helpful. There are a few resources available such as a program called NewAccess which is a free Beyond Blue program available in some parts of Australia. You can learn about this program and see if it is available in your area by going to this website. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/newaccess/where-are-your-access-coaches-located

Another program is a online service called Mindspot which support people over the internet and via phone with worry and low mood. You can see if this program is right for you by going to this webpage https://mindspot.org.au

Worry is common in relationships. Addressing your worry with your partner directly may be the right step but if you are not comfortable doing this, talking with someone could help you to shed some light on the insecurities you describe.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn