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Have I done this to my self???

Community Member

How do I start this.. I have been in a gay relationship for 9 years. While not a perfect relationship I have had nothing but 100% support from my partner and vice versa. We both had never been in a relationship before so its first loves for both of us. We have essentionally the "ideal" life, both have great jobs, our own house, pets, network of friends. I have had anxiety for 2 years, while it was horrifing at the start, with medication and professional help i have been able to maintain a stable mental health... untill now. Our relationship is not an open one and i dont believe in cheating as my father did this to my mother who now suffers her own demons. I had recently meet some one, was just chatting on line, got to know them and we finally meet. Great person, made me laugh, made me suddenly notice my relationship is non excistant. I am a realistic person, i dont for one minute think there is a future in this new found interest, But all of a sudden my anxiety back. The heart racing, the sick feeling, not eating for days, the tiredness, wanting darkness. Its a different feeling this time, its been combinded with feeling of being trapped in my relationship, not wanting to hurt or cause sadness, but also having this seperation feeling from some one who i only have meet once!!! Worrying if they are happy, or feeling sick thinking of them with someone else. None of this makes sense even to me. I just feel i want to be alone, but is it real or is it just my mind.


10 Replies 10

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Amelbourne boy, so glad you posted here and welcome.

It isnt easy posting opinions here sometimes but we are trying to help people like you. In an ideal world we'd wait until much more information is available.

My gut feeling is you are suffering a very common form of fantasy. And such fantasies and the effects of them if pursued, would crash down heavily upon you and the people around you. Then there could be the regrets.

You have seemingly a very good relationship of trust and companionship. As you say- its wonderful. But you now think there is something missing due to talking to this third person. This third person has filled a small gap inside you, a gap your current partner cannot fill simply due to his personality. There is, in my view, nothing wrong about this, it often occurs, but....theoretically if you left your partner for someone else due to "what your current partner doesnt have" you will find any new partner will, down the track, also have parts missing that will leave you longing for - and the cycle continues.

Having said that, try a few things. Firstly dont under any circumstance go looking for company on the web. That is a trap and a no no. It is in fact breaching your trust you have with your partner and highlighting you are searching for "everything" in life that you dont have. A display of lack of content. Secondly spice up you relationship with your partner. As the rest of your life is settled- try thinking of some new holidays or other interests together. 9 years and it might be time to throw in some spark.

I watche don telly once that a psychiatrist had a young beautiful patient that he found extremely attractive. She was single and he was married. It seemed she was everything his wife wasnt in terms of beauty. But he refrained from stepping over the line because a/ his professionalism b/ his commitments to his wife and c/ beauty is only skin deep. He had to constantly remind himself of these 3 principles every session. After many session he realised these principles were even more relevant as he got to know his patient more and more.  In the end, with far more knowledge of the patients personality, values, lifestyle etc etc he was relieved that he wasnt tempted.

The lolly shop of life can be a delusional one. Take care.

Thank you White knight,

There are some points there i guess i have not actually looked at before. There is def a spark missing, and it has been filled by something new and exciting.

I have always had anxiety in letting people go or letting a great situation go. I dont know its harder to explain than i thought. I love meeting new people, and doing new things, so when that happens i dont want it to stop. But when it does stop thats when i start getting that sick feeling.

Take it from me, mate, you've done the best thing by letting this one go now. I have let fantasy run away with me in situations like this and before you know it you start making excuses in your mind for doing things you shouldn't be doing. You start justifying feelings that are based on nothing. 

It's common for eyes (and heart) to wander when you've been in a relationship for a long while, but yeah... I would think about seeing a counsellor and talking through the anxiety. Work out what's missing in your life that's causing you to be attracted to life outside your current relationship.

Hi Justin,

Thanks for the reply. When i posted I wasnt sure if anyone would answer. Its hard talking to anyone about this because of the stigma already attached to being gay. I feel this torment inside, like wanting to leave everything in try this whole new expeirence and im being help back. My heart starts pounding with excitment and nervs at the thought of what if??

How can you love one person but lust after another so much it makes you sick?

That's why it'd be a good idea for you to talk to a cousnellor, I reckon, to find out what's behind these intense feelings. They're being made worse because you aren't talking about it with anyone. Something is probably missing in your life at the moment, but I'd be willing to bet money it won't be solv3ed by you going and having an affair.

Do you have any gay mates you can talk to?

This may sound strange, but no, i dont have any gay mates. Im not entirely sure why but alot of it has to do with the lack of control I think i have. It only takes a laugh and  thought some one might be interested and im hooked!. Bit sad really. But this is how the whole issue started

The other reason is i grew up in the country so the "village" was small, although im openingly gay im not overtly gay and i dont enjoy the company of others that are. Hope that sounds make me sound mean or rude.

Hmm... well, you've been in a relationship for 9 years. Sounds like a real case of grass is greener to me. You don't have any other mates you can talk to about this?

its hard to talk to friends that think i have what they discribe as "everything". What if the grass was greener? Shouldnt I have at least tried it?

I believe a big issue for this is because this has been my only relationship. Its all i know, so I start spending time wondering....

Maybe the start point for thinking about this could be to ask yourself, what do you feel like you are missing out on? If you could jump onto the other side of the fence, what would that feeling be? The intense feelings you're having of being drawn somewhere else, what are those feelings and what's missing in your current relationship? If you start turning the unknowns into knowns then you'll be part of the way there in figuring out what this all means.


And maybe then it might be a good idea to start talking with your partner about this. How happy is he? Relationships are hard work, we can all start going through the motions after a period of time.


Maybe another thing to try would be to make a list of all the things you enjoy about your life right now on one side, and things you want to feel/have but don't on the other side.