Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

[SH-2600]

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

[SH-2600]

Ok, this is getting ridiculous now! How have we not met before this?? How have you not ended up in my life somehow already?

My second favourite Nick Cave song...the Ship Song. “Come sail your ships around me, and burn your bridges down”. Oh, those lyrics!

My second favourite song of all time, Hallelujah...the KD Lang version from the album Hymns from the 39th Parallel (although Leonard Cohen’s and Jeff Buckley’s versions also do it for me). My grandfather also loved this song. It reminds me of him.

I will definitely save my texts from E. She was an extraordinary woman, with plenty of scars and an incredible capacity for love despite that. Her love was so secure, I knew she loved me every moment. It was like lying back and floating in a deep clear pool, my heart and breathing and brain slowed down around her. I loved (love) her very deeply and I know she knew that too. I had the good sense to make sure she knew that. Love is an action word as you say! Although in this case I also said it plenty. I felt untethered, like my moorings were loose without her.

The idea of a birth song is quite lovely. You did a much better job of selecting one for your son than your Mum did for you. I admit that I laughed really hard (sorry, but I made no promises!) about your birth song, so no wonder you could hear me. And then I listened to it and laughed more. I think you should wear that song like a badge of honour (sorry, still laughing). You know, kind of like that Johnny Cash song, Boy Named Sue. It can only make you stronger!! And I’m still laughing...

That song would not have fit me either, if it is any consolation. And if I did have a song, and my Dad had anything to do with it, it would have been some ridiculous novelty song from the time.

I think people are way more beautiful with scars. I love hearing people’s stories, I like knowing how they are put together, what makes them, where they have come from, who they are.

Are you sleeping?

[Timshel]

Ha, ha, ha! I knew I could hear the sound of your laughter!

Actually, I love the sound of your laughter. I am glad for the sound of your laughter. I hope it means that you can find moments of lightness in your day Moments when nothing matters but the here and now. Moments when you can be totally free of stress, of heartbreak, of confusion, of turmoil. Because you deserve that more than anyone SH. Your 8 year old self deserves it, your 20 year old self deserves it, your 51 year old self deserves it. I embrace each age of you, you are all worthy! I am more than willing to share all my ‘daggy’ stories with you (O yes..there’s more, so many more...) just to make you smile. I will lay my daggy self at your feet, but tread lightly because you tread on my daggy self!

In the meantime, I have something else I want to share with you, something I want to give you. That’s right, a birth song! Perhaps in your case we might call it a rebirth song! So from me to you.....

Lauren Daigle - You Say

Instructions:

I want you to listen to it whenever you feel outnumbered by your negative emotions, overwhelmed by feelings of self-doubt, whenever you question your self-worth. You are amazing SH, quite possible one of the most amazing people I know . I want you to believe that. I have gained so much more than I have given since meeting you.

Note:

I only became aware of Lauren this year. She has one of those amazing soulful, smoky, alto voices that I love. What I didn’t realise for quite a while after listening to her is that she is, in fact, a Christian artist, although she doesn’t like being referred to as such. Her music has well and truly crossed over into the mainstream now. I believe she won a Grammy for her new album, Look up Child. Knowing now that she writes from a Christian perspective, I can certainly hear the religious undertones in her work. But they are not overt so you don’t need to tune into them if you choose not to. I am not religious so I don’t particularly. I just know what I like. Regardless, she is definitely not one of America’s Bible Belt Christians - she’s a very liberal Christian. I feel her music can be interpreted in any number of ways. When you listen to it you don’t have to think of a Higher Power or a God at all. With this song, in particular, you can just think of the ‘You’ as being a close friend, a family member, someone you trust, someone who only wants the best for you, someone in whom you have faith. Someone you choose to believe!

Enjoy!

[SH-2600]

Hey my dear friend

I am supposed to be planning my week, well 3 days, at work but am procrastinating like a champion (which is why I decided to drop into the forum). I love seeing a post from you waiting for me.

Don’t think for a second that you have the monopoly on daggy stories! I grew up in rural Australia in the 1970s and 80s remember. It was the reason I found your story funny, I could so relate! Plus you tell a story with so much humour anyway!. And I promise, if I had a birth song, my parents would have given me Amos Moses (look it up!), or something equally ridiculous, although hopefully that song has been wiped from the record of human history and you won’t find it anywhere! I give you complete permission to laugh heartily if you do find it. That song, Que Sera, Hound Dog and the Great Pretender were Dad’s entire repertoire of songs to sing out loud! The soundtrack of my childhood! Oh, and You Can’t Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd. Thank goodness his actual record collection was a little broader than that.

I actually think your Mum was quite sweet for giving you a birth song. What would you choose for your rebirth song?

I have been very distracted today. I got half way through my walk with headphones in before I realised that I hadn’t put on any music! Luckily no one could tell. I have been listening to Lily Allen today. My favourite song of hers is The Fear but it is her version of Somewhere Only We Know which is going around in my head at the moment.

I have been thinking about you a lot today. I will always tread lightly around all of your selves, daggy or not. I hope I do. I feel well held by you and your warmth, and I want to return that, and more.

I will listen to the Lauren Daigle song and get back to you later on. I am looking forward to it and it can be my reward for getting some work done! The kids and I are on our own tonight as my husband is staying with his mum after she had a minor medical procedure today. I think it is good to have the short break from each other.

How are you going? Are things a bit easier with your husband?

[SH-2600]

I am back!! Work completed (well, mostly), and everyone fed and watered.

So I have listened to the song a few times now. It actually feels like it is speaking directly to me, right into the core of me. I just need to find someone to believe, like really believe what they say to me. Maybe it is enough just to believe the script I use when it gets bad. Or Perhaps this song just becomes my script. In the meantime I will follow your instructions and I will listen when I need it. I have added it to two of my Spotify playlists, “you are all my favourites” and “harden up”. I figured it works in both!!

I have gained so much from you, too. You lift me up. I was at the shops today and ran into someone I haven’t seen in ages and she told me I was looking radiant or glowing or some such nonsense. I thought to myself that it was just bloody sleep deprivation, and my life being a big complicated mess! But honestly I had been thinking about you and your sense of humour and your kindness. I was smiling with my heart and eyes. So I think I am the winner!!

[Timshel]

Ouch, my poor aching ears.That Amos Moses song is painful, it should come with a health warning! As for ‘You Can’t Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd’ ..I had to look up the lyrics to make sure I was hearing them correctly. ‘You can’t take a shower in a parakeet cage, you can’t drive around with a tiger in your car’....I mean, why would you even want to do any of these things? All I can say is this ...LSD! Although that same Miller dude wrote King of the Road I see. One of my uncles used to sing that.

I’m glad the ‘rebirth’ song I sent you struck a chord. Don’t fret too much about finding someone to make you really believe. Use the song as your script as you said. If you really feel you need someone, you can use me as your surrogate until you find someone who can actually be there for you in real life so to speak. Whatever works for you. If you need me, I am here for you, you can trust me and I’ve got you. Plus, just to add a bit of icing on the cake, I was at one stage in the running to become the mother of a future Pope...so I guess you could say I’m blessed!!! I wonder if my son could be a part-time Pope, like during the AFL off season...hmm...might be worth looking into. Guess he better become a believer and get up to speed on the religious lingo! Actually, we sent him to a Catholic Private High School, not for religious purposes, just because they seemed to have a more structured setup and I thought it would be good for him to be in a more disciplined environment where someone else, other than myself and my husband, could keep looking over his shoulder making sure he was putting his best foot forward. Ha! That was money well spent eh? Big mistake, huge, massive! Still he has made a lot of good friends and, at least from a general knowledge point of view, has learnt a lot about not just the Catholic religion but other world religions as well. At least now he can have some understanding and respect for other people’s beliefs and practices even if he himself doesn’t necessarily believe. Before High School he didn’t know a great deal about religion at all (except for what happened to Jesus at Calvary - he’d been threatened with similar many times!!) having gone to a public primary school. It was a very secular environment which I’m grateful for. Difference is now the only normal he knows!

So you are ‘glowing’ your way through your complicated life. Hang on..OMG..I’ve just looked in the mirror..ME TOO! We should market stress and anxiety as a lifestyle choice..

[SH-2600]

Hi Timshel

My Dad loved a novelty song. Sorry for inflicting that rubbish on your poor ears!

Thank you for being my person here. I am grateful for you and I want to hang on to you, assuming of course you want that too! Plus your credentials as an almost papal parent definitely make you a good candidate!!

Is your son leaving the catholic system? You mentioned before that he was doing subject selections for college. I think it is good for kids to have exposure to difference, cultural, religious, identity and differences in terms of ability and disability. I do like that the public system provides this.

I really want to know how you are, if you feel like talking. Do you have another counselling session booked in? How are you, within yourself?

This is a bit of a short post, but I have got you too.

SH

[Timshel]

My chosen rebirth song would be ‘The Story’. When I first heard it, that song took me on a musical journey I did not see coming. Life has a habit of taking you on that very same journey. I have become quite a fan of Brandy and the boys. I love their background story too. How they became best friends in school and decided to take on the music world together as one. Sharing the writing and performing, the success and the failure. I think the bond between them all is really evident when they perform. I suppose I also got introduced a little to the country music genre through their work. Didn’t pay much attention before. Except for maybe Patsy Cline. Strongest voice I ever heard. My mum liked her. Their work is very diverse. Some other songs of theirs I like off the top of my head are ‘That Year’ about how Brandi found herself having to learn to forgive a friend of hers for committing suicide and a recent one, ‘The Joke’, which is, in some ways I guess, a dissertation on today’s modern world. Places like Trump’s America, places where misfits still don’t belong. It’s about how far we have come but how far we still have to go. Like you referred to in one of your posts. Especially where male privilege is concerned. Funny how, in some ways, it is the countries you would expect the most from who are falling the furthest behind. I have always admired the way a small country like New Zealand refuses to cow tail to anyone. They are small but they pack a big punch! They always seem to be light years ahead in the area of social reform. Why can’t we claim Jacinta as ours just like we did with Crowded House, Russell Crowe and so on? We spent a few weeks travelling there some years back (my husband cycled all over the North and South Island when he was younger) and I absolutely loved the place. Not just its’ natural beauty and landscape (which I was genuinely surprised differed so much from ours), but also its’ people and how the Maori culture is such an integral part of NZ daily life with all town names and signs appearing in the 2 languages. I get frustrated at how the wheels of change tend to turn so painfully slow here. And some people’s ignorance, in a world where ignorance can no longer be excused, is maddening. Maybe our system of government is too top heavy, I don’t know. We are a small population (approx. 25 million?) and most of us live in a very small part of Australia compared to the size of its’ landmass. Colonial history aside, why 3 levels of government?

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Just a quick post... you two seem to be hitting it off quite well so I might leave you both to your chatter. 🙂 I will still drop in daily to check out the posts and see what you are up to.

As for novelty songs... you probably never heard of "Australia All Over" when it was on in the 1980s! Australian country music sung by people from the country. Some could sing.... some not so! Could be a killer on the ears. Dad loved it. Don't think anyone else did. Brother might have but that was only cause it was sooo bad!

[SH-2600]

I did really like “ The Story” too. I will listen to a bit more of Brandy’s work I think. I dip into country music sometimes. I like the Indigo Girls. Have you listened to any of their music? Keeper of my Heart, You and me of the 10,000 wars, Watershed, The girl with the Weight of the World In Her Hands.

I am a big fan of Jacinda Ardern. And you are right about how far NZ is ahead of the game. Even declaring themselves a Nuclear free zone in the 80s (I think it was the 80s). I loved the dual language stuff too and the respect for Maori culture and language. We are a long way behind in that regard. We travelled around the North Island for two weeks for my 50th birthday. I absolutely loved it. I loved the people and the little towns. I loved Wellington and Taupo especially. Australia really does get to me sometimes with the inertia around any social change. Things that should be a no brainer for a modern, civilised, caring society. The way those conversations take place in the media, whose voices are heard and whose are missing. It is frustrating. I actually think some areas of our media create and perpetuate the ignorance and even feed off it. Ugghhh. Don’t get me started!

Also given that in the ACT we only operate (and do well) with our 2 levels of government, there is no reason the rest of Australia couldn’t do it. Problem is there would need to be a massive shift for Colonial history to be put aside!

[Timshel]

Hey Tim,

I was beginning to wonder where you’d gone. I guess life has been keeping you busy.

Any sign of that paperwork yet? I still have a bottle of bubbly in the fridge waiting to be opened.

I had meant to echo SH’s response to your last post. You are indeed very hard on yourself, I can see that and, unfortunately, I can also relate to it. In the case of the church service live streaming, I can’t see how you could have done any more. Some people just can’t troubleshoot and always need to be spoon fed.

So you are seriously thinking of leaving SH and I to our own devices? It’s because of my Maurice Chevalier birth song isn’t it? Damn, I knew I should have kept that to myself!

Or maybe it’s because of SH? I know, I know. She’s bonkers isn’t she? A total fruit loop! Please don’t leave me on my own with her, I’m not sure I can handle it! Lol, you know I’m only joking SH, I love you to bits and am just taking the p&$#.....

Please don’t become too much of a stranger Tim. I really like the way your mind works and the depth you bring to the thread. You are a good, decent and kind man who has been more than generous with his time. Thank you so very much.

Please keep taking care of you and hopefully we will talk again soon.

What are you doing tomorrow? Only joking! We can stand on our own 2 feet for a while. I mean how much damage can we possibly do........

By the way, I think I have heard of Australia All Over. I’ll check it out online once the abscesses in my ears clear up from listening to SH’s Dad’s repertoire......

Must go now. Catch ya later.

Timshel

P.S. I would be very happy to see the Lions take out the premiership by the way. How about a Cats v Lions final?