Feeling like I've lost myself

[hailsbells]

Hi all, first time on the site so please bear with me. 

January of last year my relationship ended with someone who I thought may have been the person I would spend the rest of my life with. It was not a pleasant break up nor was it simple in any way. I didn't think I would meet anyone again, nor want to, but in March of this year I did. She has her faults, like everyone, but for the most part she is amazing and treats me better than I've ever been treated. In the beginning I tried my hardest to be the person that I used to be, loving, caring, romantic and considerate. I realise now that it wasn't the right thing to do because I can't seem to sustain it. I feel drained and exhausted by it. I do love her but I can't seem to 'love' like I once did. I used to be able to do all of that, but now the most I can muster is a few nights here and there where I can hug and kiss and show that affection that she needs. And it isn't isolated to just her, any display of affection to anyone has to be forced. I don't know what to do, we've had many arguments over this already and she just thinks that I don't love her which is completely understandable. We had another argument last night about it and I think she's fed up with it this time which I really can't blame her for. Am I just so beaten and broken that this is who I am now?

If anyone has experienced this before or has any advice at all, it would be greatly appreciated as I'm at a loss.

Thanks

[Snoman]

Hi Hailsbells,

Welcome to these forums.

I am not at all surprised by your experience.  First, have you seen a GP?  I'm guessing that you are here because you have been diagnosed  or suspect you have a mental health condition?

Your experience makes sense to me if you are suffering from depression.  Losing interest in life and in things you previously enjoyed comes with the territory.  Being unable to show positive feelings like showing affection is very draining and very hard to sustain.

I suggest you go and see your GP.  They may recommend medication and/or therapy.  Unfortunately it may take some time to see results.  In the mean time, I also recommend you read through the information available in the Resources section of this web site.  There is plenty to read, and also great material for your partner.  Beyond Blue can also post this material to you free of charge.

Sno

[Zoe__lt_3]

Hi HailsBells,

Your symptoms sound very familiar to me. I can sympathise, and I completely understand that you may be feeling drained and just needing some space. As Sno suggests, go and speak to a GP if you can. You might feel better talking about it to a neutral person, and they can refer you to get further help, meds etc.

 Take the time to get to know more – read the info on this site and arm yourself for the fight ahead.   Good luck and keep the faith that you can do it.  

Zoe x

[hailsbells]

Hi Snoman,

Thank you for the reply. I have been to see a GP numerous times, I've been on many different medications at numerous times for both severe depression and anxiety. Over the last year my anxiety has reached a new level and makes everything more difficult. I also have social/ agoraphobia which makes doing things very difficult. 
I have been struggling with this for the last ten to fifteen years and have come a long way in the depression front, the anxiety and agoraphobia has taken over though. 
I went to the doctor only a month ago roughly and was prescribed with a different medication which made me extremely sick. I have several other medical conditions which made the side effects unbearable. 
I've tried therapy with both counsellors and psychologists and have only ever gotten along with two of them, both of which I'm no longer able to see. 

I don't know what to do next, leaving the house to go and see someone is a difficult task but affording someone to come to me is just as hard. I have very few friends, all of which live a minimum of several hours away and I'm not close to my family so basically I'm stuck with dealing with this on my own. 

I'll have a look at the resources material on here and see what I can find. I need all the help I can get. 

Thanks again,

Hailsbells

[hailsbells]

Hi Zoe,

Thanks for your reply. I added a little more info in the above post to Snoman. But I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that feels like this. I'm doing all I can right now to just try and keep myself together. Hopefully I can beat this, I know I'm in for a long and hard fight. I think that I've reached that point where it's now or never. 

Thanks again for the warm wishes, it's greatly appreciated. 

Hailsbells

[Zoe__lt_3]

Dear Hailsbells,

I’m glad to hear you’re trying different methods, and with each comes a little win and maybe some losses. My growing understanding of my own depression and anxiety tells me that my biggest battles come after another loss/ failure. I tell myself that the “sky’s not falling on my head” but it’s a constant struggle. Luckily my meds have started to kick in and my only side-effect seems to be occasional dizzy-spells and I kinda welcome that feeling sometimes, just to remind myself that I do have some internal ‘help’. Time alone can be dangerous, and I fill my spare time with hobbies, like music, gardening or art. I find if I keep my mind and hands busy then I’m more likely to find some peace. Maybe fill your every spare moment with hobbies, interests or something like that – external distractions from the “internal warfare” as I like to call it.

I also find that reading and responding to the posts of others on this Forum is soo therapeutic to me. To be able to chat to others , compare notes or give and receive virtual hugs from complete strangers is really positive in my twisted mind. 🙂 Stay awhile, read, vent and share as much or as little as you like.

*hugs*

Zoe x

[hailsbells]

Dear Zoe, 

After all these years I've become rather well practiced at trying different methods. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. I agree with you about the biggest battles coming after another loss/failure. At the moment it just seems like that's all I'm good at doing which makes the struggle even harder. I'm glad that the meds are working for you do far, hopefully they help. I have a bad habit of them either zombifying me or giving me severe side-effects. 
Time alone is a constant with me, I have my dog but it seems that as of late the worrying I do in regards to her can make me even worse. We're a pair, she has anxiety issues too so when we get going we play off each other, if I notice mine affecting her too much though it makes me work my hardest to reel it back in which can be good. She's been my biggest and for a while, only support. 
I try my best to occupy myself with as much as I can do. Unfortunately a lot of the physical things are kept to a minimum as I have bulging discs in my spine, knee joint issues and not that long ago I had a seizure which came out of the blue. That's also made me even more afraid to go to far from home for any period of time. 

I'll be taking your advice on the reading and responding in the forum. It makes the interaction with others much more manageable for me. Hopefully it may help even a little. 

Hailsbells