Engaged and confused

[Mack_]

Hello, 

I'm a 26 yo female, and in a serious relationship with a male. We got engaged 6 months ago, and honestly I am so happy. I would be devastated if anything were to happy between us.

The issue is, I've always had crushes on girls - never really acted on them though and never dated a female. But have had some intense feelings (emotionally and physically) towards females.

Last year I went on contiki with my fiancé and really let loose. I stopped taking my antidepressants for 8 weeks (duration of the trip) and just honestly had the time of my life! No reality, no bills, literally NO STRESS!!

So, I Ended up making out with a few girls and let out my curiosities, my partner was aware I had kissed these girls but was confused also. I very briefly explained it (I'm terrible with speaking my emotions for fear of everything) was just fun and I have always been more pansexual I guess than actually in to a specific gender. He was okay with it - I guess he figured it was "a phase" because I kind of shrugged it off. However, this past weekend I met up with a few of the girls from that trip, and there's been one girl I'm into since the trip - she's so different, and I feel like she's all the things I wish I could be (happy, comfortable within herself, hippy-like, no stress, no mortgage, no bills, open about her sexuality and thoughts etc etc) I stayed at her place and the entire weekend just wanted to act on my feelings. We've both (her and I) have felt intense sexual energy since the trip last year. Now I'm home, back to reality and don't know what to think. I can't tell anyone how I'm feeling because I fear it'll ruin my relationship with my fiancé whom I really love dearly and have a life set up with. I know it's normal to fantasize, and I really feel my "crush" on her is a fantasy and because I can't act on it, it's just intensifying it all. Obviously the fact she feels the same way and can openly speak about it, makes it really hard for me too. Is it just wanting something i can't have? Should I speak to my fiancé about my feelings? I don't know what to do and have no one to speak to about this. 

 Help or advice?? 

[Mack_]

Good morning Geoff, 

You are right on the money there. I feel like having OCD is just putting it all out of proportion. I can't stop thinking about the entire situation. I don't want to lose her. It's not even the fact I was probably crushing on her, I get like this even when a friend cuts me off from their life. I become obsessed and constantly checking to see if they're online even though I don't talk to them, I'm left constantly thinking about it all over and over. 

Obviously the way this has all ended up, it's safe to say wanting anything more with her is completely out of the question for so so many reasons. So now I'm left worrying and wondering on my own, because I can't tell my partner, and no longer have a best friend whom I tell everything to. I really appreciate you guys helping me out, I do. I need someone beside me to listen too I think 😞 I could connect with my family but the thing is I've never told them that I'm pan, or even inclined to them that I fancy women. So it's a vicious cycle in my head. 

I see the psych on Tuesday thank God. I'm hoping to get some stability then. I was doing so well in the last session, she even commended me on how together my life was. Now it's in shambles again. 

[geoff]

dear Mack, with having OCD then this will always leave a doubt in your mind, whether what you are doing is the right
decision or whether it's not, that's what happens with this illness, and even when you think that you have found the
right solution, there will be some doubt in your mind.
From what I gather is that you want another girl friend, or you may take this as another girlfriend, because there
is a difference between the both of these, and that is a girl friend is someone where you both go shopping, giggle,
laugh and cry together sharing stories and gossip, whereas a girlfriend is where you feel sexually attracted towards,
so this happens by being pan, and that's what you are missing. Geoff. x