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Do I or Dont I Discuss my Desire to be with a Guy as I believe Im Closet Bi wanting to Come out

Community Member


I am a 44 year old man. I can happily say my wife and I have been together for 21years and married for 16. She's the mother of our 2 adult kids amd 2 younger kids, she's my best friend, she's my rock and she is my everything to a point except I feel as if there is something missing and a void that needs to be filled.
I must admit before i go any further I do still find my wife very attractive and I love her deeply. We have sex often. There are times due to my injury and my medications I do tend to have "performance issues" or in some instance which do happen quite often I tend to turn off the attraction to females especially my wife and deviate to thoughts of being with another guy.
For around the last 2 years or so, at times, I have desired and fantasized about being intimate with another man even when we are not having sex.
I have only recently decided to express and discuss these urges in a safe but discrete way and hopefully which i have come across someone that is willing to explore the option of joining us in our marital bed. I've not had any encounters with another man and i wouldnt do anything like that Physically to jeopardise what my wife and I have I decided recently to search for a partnered or single bi man or couple to explore the possible options with and as mentioned i did come across one particular Guy that really ticks all my boxes as for her that is yet to be discussed, Although I'm still not 100% sure if I'm really into other men sexually, or if it is just curiosity and fantasy, and that once I've done it I will either will or won't want to do it again. I would just like to explore this avenue with her instead of opting for the frowned upon act of cheating on her.
I feel quite guilty doing discussing this behind behind her back without discussing it with her first, but male intimacy is something that she obviously can't provide and I feel it's something I need to explore, for me. In addition it would too I believe would enhance the sexual experience for her Having not only 1 but 2 guys to play with. I don't how to talk about or raise this subject with her. I don't plan on starting a relationship outside of our relationship and i certainly dont intend on exploring "getting off" with another man behind her back. Im certainly ok if she does accept my desires but will only accept it if it is out of her view and only at her request if that be the case. I assure you she does have and has had gay/bi friends and accepts them for who they are. I think she would be quite shocked to hear my possible sexual orientation.
I don't want to lose everything we've built together over the past 21 years
Is it wrong for me to not tell her because im fearful of her response and go on as if nothing has changed or do I just Bite the Bullet and Possibly wreck everything.

2 Replies 2

Community Member

I skimmed read. But what I pull up on was that you said "last two years" been curious in men. And you seem to suggest you want another man as participant with both yourself and your wife. The answer you seek not going to be permission but rather I believe do you feel there would be opportunity to explore bedroom experimentation. Only you know what the outcome of communication would be with your wife about such a topic. After 20 years of close relationship I would think you would know that answer. 

Community Member

Hi qld_dad44, thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable with us in these forums. It can take a lot to admit to ourselves the attractions and feelings we have, especially as they change throughout our life.


From your post, you’ve described what I perceive to be a strong, loving and healthy relationship with your wife. I would trust that your wife loves you, and that she would want to know what your feelings are. 

I think the matter of already having explored this topic by speaking to others about possible plans might be something that requires comment from someone more qualified than a forum poster, so maybe consider chatting to a counsellor on the phone on how you can approach your wife if you want to share any of the investigations and conversations you’ve had to date.


Ultimately, I encourage you to challenge yourself every time you feel shame about these feelings or how you’ve been considering them for the past 2 years. Self-acceptance is key here, and bringing your wife into this conversation may very well provide you the ally you need to continue to safely explore these feelings. Take care and be well.