Confused and Need Help

[lp1225]

This is really hard to post as if’s only ever been in my head , so write it all out is a bit daunting . I spose I’m posting to get some advice and clarity if possible . Apologies if it’s jumbled , but here goes.

I’m 27, currently in a 2.5 year relationship with my girlfriend (no kids , live together) and I am battling with my sexuality every second of every day. I feel like nothing is real, I feel desensitised to everything, I feel like I’m holding something in always, I’ve seen psychs over the years for depression etc. I think deep down I know that I’m gay or least bi. But I hope I’m not. I don’t want to be 😞 But the idea of just being gay feels like it would solve this guilt, shame , lack of feeling, lack of happiness or drive etc

went to an all boys school, and ever since I was 17/18 I’ve been obsessed with oral sex. It’s all I could think about at that age. I would always dream about what it would be like to receive oral sex from a girl, and like most guys that age it happened and has happened plenty of times since then.

I’ve only ever watched oral porn. Sure, I have normal sex etc. But it doesn’t really phase me. I only care about oral sex. In the last 5 years I have started watching gay porn too and enjoying it - but again, only oral sex . Gay Intercourse doesn’t really interest me .

I’ve become more and more attracted to men over the last few years but still only oral sex. But now, I’ve become obsessed with the idea of me giving the oral sex. To the point where earlier this year , I selfishly created a Grindr account , met up with a guy my age and gave head . I really enjoyed it (it was very scary and weird at first), but I loved it

I still see some girls as attractive and for whatever reason still watch heaps of girl/guy oral porn and the very rare inter course video .

I don’t know what to do. I love my girlfriend so much. The thought of not being with her , not having a normal life with her (kids , buy a house etc) destroys my insides and the thought of being gay and being with a boy feels so weird and embarrassing, but for some reason liberating . I don’t want to go through That.

What if I break up with her and then realise I’m not gay or it was just a phase and then I’ve lost her? What if I just put up with this mental pain that comes and goes every couple of days so I can live a quiet normal life .
When I watch porn, the idea of a girl climaxing doesn’t interest me nor turn me off. A guy climaxing can be attractive

i can’t do this

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. This is a safe place where you will be supported and accepted by others.

Guess this is a scary time for you? You have a girlfriend and concerned that you might be gay or bi. I know little on how you might interpret your behaviours, though when it came to being something other than straight (you can put that in quotes) you referred to shame etc. You are not a bad person. Can I ask where these thoughts came from?

Was watching porn something that made you feel like"trying" it out?

There are many questions that come to mind. And yet part of your post, perhaps a small part tells me how much you love your girlfriend.

I would be able to listen to you tell your story and reply as I can, as long as you don't mind me asking questions.

Be kind to yourself.

Tim

[lp1225]

Hi Tim,

Thanks so much for the reply, means the world - feel free to ask as many questions as you like.

Definiteltly a scary time. I’m not sure where the feeling of shame has come from. I think (selfishly) I just want to live a quiet and “normal” life and not have to go through anything as daunting and as scary as potentially coming out if that’s who I am. I finally met the one , I’m ready to go that next level of life and get married and have kids and now this has come back into my head again. I think part of my shame is if I have to end it with her , I’ll feel like the worst person ever as I will feel like I have really hurt her and wasted almost 3 years of her life when she could have spent that with someone else.

in regards to the porn, I’m not sure. I watch porn every day , which in itself may be a problem. All of these concerns on my mind have made me so devoid of confidence when it comes to sex with my partner etc and I just choose to masturbate alone instead of having sex or initiating anything with her. The idea of giving oral to another guy is a nice idea but dating them , marrying them or even intercourse with them doesn’t interest me. I can’t picture myself doing that , my whole life would change completely and I just can’t do that.

I’ve considered maybe not watching porn at all might be a healthy thing, I can try that. And yes losing my girlfriend will kill me. I’m a person that struggles with grey area no matter what it is. I’m an all in or all out person who likes clarity and definite. Saying I’m bi feels odd and doesn’t clear that constant pain in my head. Saying I’m gay does . Saying I’m straight just isn’t true.

[botmij]

Hey lp,

You sound like you are a pretty self-aware person, especially since you can easily acknowledge when you are thinking all-or-nothing or black-and-white.

Given how conflicted you feel, the more you try and push yourself into one box or another it will likely keep stressing you out. I don't think it has to be like this, you have expressed that sometimes you likes girls and sometimes guys, and this attraction can vary across different situations. In my humble opinion, it sounds as though you are letting things such as your porn habits define who you are instead of just existing and following your gut. Just because you are with a girl does not confine you to living a "straight life", likewise does breaking up with her commit you to a "gay life". Any bisexual person in a monogamous relationship ends up with one sex and not the other at the end of the day. I hate to be cliche, but this is probably why society is better understanding gender/sexuality as a spectrum - it really is not so clear cut for anyone!

Perhaps if these feelings are so strong, you should let your girlfriend know how you are feeling, because if you don't she can never be there for you when you are struggling. No matter the outcome, you and your girlfriend owe it to each other to be honest, the same way that I am sure you would want her to tell you everything (please correct me if I am assuming wrong!).

I wish I could be of more help, but with these situations every person's story is so different and there is never a right and wrong answer.

[ARC80]

Hey Lp

I totally understand how you feel. I have been in a similar situation of not knowing who I am and what I'm doing

Happy to chat when you need

[lp1225]

UPDATE:

My girlfriend and I broke up in September last year and I was diagnosed with Bi polar which I am now medicated with.

im still no closer to working out who I am , but this sexuality issue has been on my mind for almost 10 years and it’s excruciating to the point where I just want to scream and cry .

I still watch porn every day which I don’t think helps .

I just want to marry a girl and have kids . I don’t want to marry a guy or even have sex with guys . It’s only oral sex that attracts me .

I can’t keep living like this - living in pain and not knowing who I am or loving who I am

im feeling lost

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ip1225,

Thank you so much for your post. We understand that it would have been very difficult to share your story and we think you are so strong for reaching out to our community. We want you to know that things can always improve with the right support, and there is always support available to you. We understand that you feel right now that things might not get better, but they absolutely can. We are sorry to hear about the confusion you are experiencing at the moment and the mental pain you are in. 

We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

Someone from our support team is going to send you a private message to check in with you.

Warmest Regards,

 

[geoff]

Hello lp1225, thanks for your comment and sorry for the circumstances you are facing including the loss of your girlfriend.

Watching porn every day is a decision you have made, whether or not it's right to do so is not for me to say, except to wonder what draws your attention and if you are still in contact with your girlfriend.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[lp1225]

Thanks for the reply Geoff.

Unfortunately I’m not. My Bi polar and being swallowed up by this sexuality issues made me so withdrawn and so pre occupied that it caused me to be such a non attentive , really average boyfriend which made her feel unloved and unwanted and unappreciated.

Doing some reading online and a lot of people are saying too much pornography can really cloud the mind when it comes to sexuality and performance in the bedroom and being desensitised to real life people sexually

ive been watching it every day since I was 18.

maybe taking a month off it and seeing how I feel at the end of it would be a help .

[Bro_sc]

Hi, just asking about help when it comes to "pleasuring myself", how to stop because I’m 17 and do it nearly everyday, maybe a day off and sometimes twice a day. It affects some aspects of my life and wanted to stop for like 6 years, but can’t manage. Could anyone gives ideas on how to stop?