Coming out advice needed, scared as to what the consequences will be.

[Winesue]

I (Male, 19) want to come out and start looking for a partner of the same sex. I “found out” I was bisexual when I was 16 and more or less accepted I wasn’t straight when I was 18. I went to a mostly Christian school, grew up in a mostly Christian family, and as a result, many of the people in my life that I am close with are both very religious and straight. I have wanted to come out for the better part of a year now, especially since starting university, but I’m extremely worried that my friends and family will either be hurt by it, or socially ostracise me.

Several of my friends have begun dating and are directly asking me why I’m so awkward about looking for a partner. My fear is that they would not accept me if I got together with a guy, meaning I would loose people who genuinely mean the world to me. I already have a pretty rocky relationship with most of my family for reasons I don’t want to get into here, and I’m genuinely scared me coming out would be the killing blow of me being a part of their lives. At the same time however, I’m really eger to start dating and feel like I’m denying myself something I need in order to make other people happy (not helped by work and my uni workload).

I should probably also mention that I’ve never told or even hinted that I’m bisexual to anyone. Everyone, including my Mum, is under the assumption that I’m straight and just burying myself in work and study (the study part is partially true lmfao). I have this fear that they think I should have “figured out what I like by now” and that they would be shocked or dismissive of me contradicting that internal head-cannon.

I’m at a complete loss as to what to do, hoping some people here have had similar experiences and can help me rationalise all this.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well, first of all well done in your discovery of who you are and what direction you are going. Many people with similar feelings get too much older age before they realise that.

You say your friends "mean the world to you". I recall 15+ years ago the Aussie singer Missy Higgins, when asked about her then gay relationship said - "I treat people as fluid, they come and they go from my life, very few remain long term". I think you might consider that when you "come out" that you really only want and need quality people in your life and that would include people that accept you for who you are in every way. Those that you are fond of that dont accept your sexuality - do you really want them around?

Those like me (68yo) that consider love and affection as being priority in any friendship are most accepting of anyones sexuality and therefore they are the type of people you need. "Birds of a feather flock together" as the saying goes. 

With family there might be a period of time after you break the news, when they are icy, give them time. 

LGBTIQ+ Not conventional? you are still a jigsaw p... - Beyond Blue Forums - 146736

Enjoy the link. Have strength, you are wonderful and you are special

TonyWK

[sbella02]

Hey, thank you so much for posting on here, welcome to the forums. 

As a fellow bisexual, I know that it can be stressful to think about how somebody is going to react if or when you tell them about your identity, stemming from the fear of a negative reaction.

Regardless of what other people may think or say, you are valid in your identity and experiences. Even if some conversations don't pan out the way you thought that they would, and it may feel like your identity is being questioned or scrutinised, just remember that it's not a reflection of you, your feelings, or your experiences. Homophobia mainly comes from external ideas and structures that are still heavily ingrained in some aspects of society, even today where we have greater awareness of the diversity that exists amongst us. 

Having said that, you deserve to feel accepted and embraced by the people you love, and you deserve the opportunity to express yourself without fearing judgement and other negative consequences. The people in your life who may view you differently might be too focused on homophobic biases to have your best interests at heart, and you deserve better treatment than that. Of course, it would be unrealistic to assume that you can simply stop seeing certain people if they have a negative reaction (particularly if you are reliant on them, such as family), but it is something to keep in mind in general. Something that may be arguably more realistic is giving the people who react negatively an opportunity to ask you questions or listen to you explain things that they don't understand, if this is something you'd be open to doing with them. It can feel intimidating to be questioned like this, particularly if you're not used to explaining your identity to people, so this may not be an option straight away.

I thought my family would have a negative reaction. I went to a Catholic school, and I was also worried about what the people in my life would say. My family had positive reactions, as did most, if not all, of my friends. This is a very optimal scenario and definitely doesn't happen all the time, but I remember my experience of "coming out" being quite emotional overall. My best advice would be to start by telling loved ones who you feel would have a more positive reaction, or even if you know people who have come out as LGBTQIA+. The more support you receive at the beginning of your coming out journey, the more you'll go into future conversations with confidence. Do it when you feel you need to, and don't give into pressure to reveal your identity before you're ready. Being in control of these conversations can help a lot.

Places like Reddit and Discord can also be good to explore if you're seeking advice from others who have come out in the past (or have yet to come out) and may have similar life experiences to you. Provided you're being safe online, these groups are great for connecting with likeminded people and perhaps expanding your support network with online friends, too.

I hope this helps, and please feel free to keep chatting with us about how you're going, we're here to support you through your coming out journey. 

Wishing you the best of luck. 

SB

[Winesue]

Hey, thanks for the responses everyone.

After seeking some advice through a gay/bi mutual of mine and a councillor who specialises in the area, I've decided that it's more or less necessary for me to come out if I want to be happy. I plan on doing it later in the year, once my mother and I have moved into our new house and my living situation improve. I now know through indirect questions that she will be fine with me coming out and loves me regardless, which has calmed my nerves a bit. However, I'm still scared about loosing my friends / extended family and the emotional consequences that come with that. Many of my closest friends got me through a previous traumatic experience with I will not talk about here, and as such, we are all extremely close. I don't think my inner circle is homophobic (I know for a fact my best friend isn't), but I have a feeling that some of the other ones will react to it well due to either religious bias or not understanding my lifestyle. Would it me a good idea to try to talk to more gay people / be in more openly gay spaces? I've figured being in areas and being around similar people that could potentially act as a safety network if something goes wrong would be a good idea. I've also deiced to star leaving small hints to people that I'm gay to see if their reaction is off or not, such as recently shaving my body and wearing more elaborate clothing. So far, nothing seems out of the ordinary, which is good and makes me more hopeful for the big day. I'll make sure to keep everyone updated as things go on.

Kind Regards, Winesue

[white knight]

Great.

There is no perfect way of coming out. Remember,  surprise, delight, etc is to be wanted but others reactions will differ and they may take time to adjust. 

As you can tell I'm welcoming of people regardless but, many years ago a mate suddenly came out. Fully dressed in a frock and makeup we had no warning, it took me a long time to adjust and mourn the mate I'd lost and embrace the female I wanted to befriend.

So slow and soft, calm and lovingly understand is your journey.

TonyWK 

[Trans22]

I wish that I was an endosex, cisgender, heterosexual male but I don't get to enjoy those privileges.
I remain invisible on the sexual biology & sexuality (asexual) fronts, except to other members/allies of the associated communities.  Looking back, I now realise that I spent 40 years questioning my sexuality - tried out all the labels that I knew at the time.
I felt I had no choice but to come out about my gender identity.  My coming out as a trans woman has been a fairy tale - I've yet to hear another transgender, gender diverse, or non-binary story that doesn't involve losing someone after coming out.  Every past problematic relationship has either been mended, or improved, since my coming out.  I'm no long the sad, confused, and angry person that I used to be - several people have told me this, using their own words.
Your coming out story might not be the fairy tale that mine was.  One common theme to every LGBTQIA+ coming out story I've heard is that living authentically improved their life (massively in many cases).

[sbella02]

Winesue,

Making small changes to your appearance and language is definitely a good way of gauging people's reactions prior to coming out. The more people get used to these changes, the easier you may find it to come out.

It looks like you've settled on the idea of coming out later in the year, and I think that's a great decision to have arrived upon. It also sounds to me like you've made progress since your initial post, and that's fantastic - I commend your bravery in what can often be such an intimidating process. 

If you feel like surrounding yourself with people who have similar identities would be beneficial for you, it's something to look into, for sure. Having a network of people who understand you and your experiences on such a deep and unique level can be great if things don't work out, as you may find that they'll have some great insights and advice.

What are your thoughts? 

Once again, wishing you all the best. SB

[Winesue]

Hey everyone, sorry for the long wait!

It's been a while since I updated this thread, and a lot has changed. I ended up telling my friends everything after a terrible metal health episode, and then told my mother shortly after. Thankfully, they all ended up taking it really well and have extremely supportive since that moment. My mum even said that she wouldn't think of me any differently and still loves me! However, the rest of my family, who I suspect are at least not excepting of my lifestyle, are still in the dark about everything and still think that I am straight. For my own safety, I've decided to keep things in the dark until I move back in with my mother and out of my grandparent's place. I still wish that people went so prejudice towards others that don't do anything to them since I still want them in my life, but at the end of the day I can also no longer live like I have for the past few years and I need to take some control back over my life. I still haven't explored gay social circles, mostly just because university and work got the best of me, but I've been thinking about possibly trying something soon. If this thread lights up again, I will keep updating it into the future.

Thank you, all of you helped more than you can imagine!

- Winesue

[white knight]

Hi

I think that a great outcome and your anxiety should settle down.

I come from a family that over worried about what people thought. After decades of disciplining myself to not worry, I'm in a far better place.

So the rest of your family, well, I'd suggest you expect them not to welcome your news. Anyone that does, it's a bonus... and those abrasive it's their problem

TonyWK 

[sbella02]

Winesue, I'm so glad to hear that you received a positive response from friends and your mother. If you do end up coming out to others in your family, it's good to know that you have a support group in these people, if the response ends up being negative.

It sounds to me like this is a good outcome for you at this stage, and you've always got our support if you need too! I look forward to hearing how you go with finding other queer connections, if this ends up being something you try in future.