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Advice for breaking the news I am Trans

Community Member

Hello everyone.

Recently, I have discovered that I am a 36 year old woman, living in the body of a man. I have denied it and hidden it since I was young.

I need to have the discussion with family, but I am married. I love my wife, but I also need to do what's right for myself, so I am hoping that there might be someone out here that has experienced this themselves and had to break the news and heart of a spouse. This is what's holding me back from being my true self.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome,


I'm going to answer anyway, I'm a happily married man 68yo and straight, for want of a better word.


I admire you and feel extreme empathy for you enduring the struggles within. Although I can only imagine the hurt your had and the hurt you will be giving upon giving out the news, after a few days/weeks you will know its the best decision to take. Your wife will have her freedom to take the news and maybe act upon it as she feels she wants to do, just as your choices are yours. 


I would expect some disappointment, even anger as she will feel her life as she knows it will crumble so there is no easy way of ideally letting her know the news. I would choose to say little as she lets off steam, express your understanding and sadness that she has to reset her life if she makes that choice. 


I've had a couple of trans mates in the past and one I found really hard to change calling his male name to his chosen female name. This "flip" was really hard to do. Mind you I'm of the older gen now and baby boomers have transgressed their attitudes over a long period so the inner self of the 60's and 70's is a little hard to throw off. Sometimes parts of us have to just be accepted as lingering inground memories and attitudes that wont budge. So expect the transition for loved ones yo be difficult and if they cant call you by your female chosen name- it doesnt matter really, love for them and for you is the only thing to focus on.


I have a thread below you might like to read-




Feel free to utilise this forum for any challenges you might face. And good on you!! break the news and allow them to grieve for the lost guy until they embrace the new .. personally from me- congratulations in accepting yourself



Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

There are a plethora of stories/videos online in relation to a person's move toward living authentically and it seems like there is pain of loss in every case.  My experience is different, maybe unique, I haven't lost anyone - partner, members of my family or extended family, or friends.

The first thing to realise is that your partner would be going through a "transition" with you - a choice to live authentically is not just about you.  Start talking with your partner about your situation as soon as possible and be sure to be honest.  Keeping control of your emotions is going to be very important.  Assure them of you feelings about them as often as possible.  Avoid backing your partner into a corner, involve them in decisions and time frames.  If you are both prepared to accept compromise, there is hope.   Be prepared for the relationship between you and your partner to change.  You may both struggle for months/years but you may find yourself in a far better relationship eventually.  Think about what _you_ need and try not to be influenced by the others.

I will finish by saying that journey you are needing to embark on is going to be a roller-coaster ride - there will be highs and lows.  Be prepared for minority stress to have a significant impact on your mental health.  The choice to live authentically represents a massive change - it's not going to be easy, you will need support..