21 year old female student at breaking point

[21_act_f_student]

I have no idea what to do anymore and 

how to be? I am a 21 year old female 

i have an autistic brother and a sister with bipolar schizophrenia.

My parents have been controlling my whole life setting goals 

and wanting to achieve something, a career a family etc.

They suggested for 2013 I move in with my 18 year old sister 

land live in apartment with her whilst we both study at the ssame university. 

We often fight at times and have different morals in life, I was concerned

about her sleeping with her supervisor at work enforced my parents and it

all went wrong. My sister told them about my personal life

i have been seeing a bisexual 22 year old man, my parents said to me 

they were disgusted by me and my choices and why I continue to hurt them.

let me clarify I am 21 years old enrolled in masters have a bachelor degree 

started university at 17, whilst having a part time job and part time classes at cit.

I believe I am bisexual, I cried over the phone once trying to tell my mother

I couldn't tell her, she says open how she feels about gay people it's not

normal, disgusting, a bad lifestyle. I never want to hurt my family with seeing a 

bisexual 22 year old man. They can't believe an educated woman would make such a 

stupid decision etc. I also applied for Finland for semester 2 exchange and found on a Friday

night through email I wasn't accepted due to high demand in exchange students. I was crying and 

At that point in life I wanted to kill my self, I was intoxicated from a bar event that night and if I 

hadnt had my bisexual 22 year old man to talk to me I think I would of done something 

incredibly stupid. I'm afraid of my sanity, I never knew what normal is what is crazy, 

due to witnessing the mental break down of my older sister and having an autistic brother.

my parents are giving me two choices 1. Seek medical help, get medicine, figure what mental illness

I have slowly be forgiven by them but they will always remember all the trouble I caused or 

go with the 22 year old man never speak to them, I would be nothing to them. 

I still don't understand why I am being punished for sleeping with a bisexual man and my sister

is sleeping with her supervisor from work and nothing said to her.

Below is the email

Hello Eem

Mum & I want you to break off any kind of relationship you have been having with Male. 

Not only is a risk to your health, as he is a male bisexual, it is stupid and not appropriate. Not something we would have ever expected from you. We are disappointed.

Please delete all your facebook details on him. You posting details reflects badly on the whole family.

If you don’t want to do this and become the person that you should be. Then you are by all means you free to leave the family and the apartment anytime. I will not be financially or other ways supporting you from then onwards. You will be the black sheep of the family.

Over 3 years it cost us over $80,000 to support you and this is the thanks and respect that we get.

I suggest you get health checks and tests as may be required particularly if you had any unprotected sex with a bisexual. Don’t know what s going through your head. As we suggested seek medical counselling as soon as you can, as per our previous email. You may be having early stages of some sort of psychological or other mental health problem. The early you address it the better the outcome. Get to a doctor and get assessment and support.

The future is simple - do the right things, study and work, and you will get somewhere in life.

Concentrate on study and work for now. You said to me that you want to find a guy to settle down when you were here. But you also said some very inappropriate and worrying things when you were here also. We are concerned for you but will not tolerate stupidity and non-compliance to our advise.

I want you to reply to my email (s). You can phone if you wish.

I will be coming there by next weekend to meet and talk to you and A####.

We have quite a few issues to sort out.

I want to see a email reply or phone call very soon.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear 21,

Fear Not,   Long Term Responder David is here ! I Vow to Respond Fairly and Without Prejudice !   I Can Fix Your Breaking Point with........Tough Love !

Congratulations on getting through college to the point of a Masters.  Congratulations for putting up with your sister who dobs on you.   Congratulations for coming on Beyondblue and spilling your guts.  Congratulations for have a great relationship with someone you love and around the same age.  Congratulations for recognising that your parents expectations are nothing more than control, control, control, control, control, control, control, control, control, control and maybe control.  Did I mention control ?  Anyway, there's a mega deathful of control in what they emailed.  And maybe control.  Mmmm.  Might have missed something - ah, yes, control.  Have I found your sense of humour yet ?

Do you feel better about yourself now that Beyondblue has given you the opportunity to be ventful and honest ?   I really think you need building up.   Uni is the place for sex.   You actually have what's called "a relationship".  You are allowed to date who you want.  It's your life.  There's only one thing you can say to your parents:   "you can only control yourself".   Period.

The guilt trip !  Wow, baby !   What do they say - "Over 3 years it cost us over $80,000 to support you and this is the thanks and respect we get".    How about your angle.  "Over 3 years I have celebrated my life as an adult and individual and you have been mighty proud of me and even told Aunt Doris that you have not one, but two, girls at university and aren't they wonderful ?  Over 3 years you decided to support me and I am thankful of the study support but this does not make me your pet monkey to clash my little cymbals when you pay for the academic tune.   Over 3 years I have respected your choice to support me with $80,000 by not dropping out of any courses and causes money to be wasted but to get on with a full career and obtain a Masters degree".   That kind of thing.  The money is crap.   Who cares ?  

Welcome to the concept of Unconditional Love.    The sort of feeling that you love your son or daughter NO MATTER WHAT.  You support them in their choices as they are THEIR choices.  You don't interfere.  You let them make mistakes.  You let them learn.   You shut the hell up instead of becoming Policemen, Judge, Executioner.   Or.............to put it succinctly....as a parent you respect your daughters choices.    You might not agree with them but, hey, it's none of your business.  Back off.

Oh, and the bit about your man being a bisexual.  If it wasn't that it would be your partners colour of skin, economic background, whether he had a Zulu Warrior 10 inch penis or a Man About Town 6 inches, etc.   The guy is your emotional and physical support.    It's really your call.

Don't buy  into it.   What you decide now will affect how you let you controlling parents treat you for the rest of your life.  Forget the sister/supervisor shagging contest.  That's not in the equation.  By mentioning that you are only mirroring your own parents futile, ignorant attempt to control you.    You should be celebrating the fact that you sister has a good relationship.  Not nitpicking.  Otherwise,  der, der, da, da, dum, you are being like you Mummy and  Daddy TO YOUR SISTER !  Argh ! Quick, call the Exorcist.

I had the same thing with my Indian wife - English parents did the guilt trip.  I moved to Sydney to avoid it all.  That was 23 years ago and they're still trying to control me.  Human nature - don't you love it ?

Adios, David.

PS  I must apologise for such a long response.   Kind of hit a nerve.  You know you've won when money is used as part of the arguement.   Maybe they should remember that it might be you that has to decide whether to switch off the life support machine...............cue money arguement.  "But it's cost me and my sister $50,000 already to keep this machine running".  We should cut it off.   Frankly, I don't even know why you are reading their emails or talking to them.   I don't.  Thanks for the therapy.  I might not be bisexual but I am bipolar.  Live Free.

[TristanM]

Hi, 

Your story sounds quite sad, and I am very sorry to hear that your family has not been accepting of you, it's disappointing. I don't have a whole lot of advice, except that here in the ACT there are lots of support mechanisms if you need it. I would suggest chatting to someone at headspace ACT, based at the University of Canberra (they specialise in helping younger people, and issues of sexuality is one of their core areas). In terms of CBT (though I'm not sure it is directly applicable to your situation) ANU has a great online program with MoodGym. 

You should also be able to access some form of help through whichever of the two institutions you study at, as both have counsellors available. 

[mee]

hi 🐵

they do sound very controlling , yet sometimes parents just want the best for you, if u are bisexual then big deal , its not something you can change, id suggest u know how they feel so just live your life in secret and let them think you are all they desire of you , your sister sounds like my darling brother , but he is the result of drowning his brain in dope for years , you are a star anyway, u already have that degree  , i am soooooo in admiration of you for having the desire , ability  and perseverance to get an education, i missed the boat and now am a sad washed up , physically broken down guy in my 40s through years of hard work, i may just became unemployed through stupid agenda based games and i need a hip replacement  , thats just the start of my problems, im scared, lost , depressed, and a nervous wreck , i have made some stupid decisions in my like, mostly based around selecting useless , self serving idiots as friends and i was not ever told "get a degree / education'' my parents were just average working class people it was "get a job" ,so i did the whole 'use my spare time via tv or hanging around do nothing useful' instead of studying like yourself '''''''''' oh if only i had used my one brain cell '''''''''''

remember, you are you and be proud of you and be yourself because everybody else is taken

🐵

[TristanM]

And, it may be cold comfort, but if your family does not embrace and accept you, I'm sure there will be plenty of others here in Canberra who will, even though it may be difficult to see that currently

[S_A_D_]

I am in a similar situation. I don't know what to do. When I received this type of message from my father, I called his bluff and cut off contact, my access to his money, everything, but he wouldn't give up his control over me. He says it's for my own good. I stopped getting money, but they won't leave me alone. I am also at university, so I can't run away, I don't know what to do. Why can't they show us some respect? Why does respect only go one way? I called him on this too, and fought back. We fight every time we see each other now. The emails are even worse. he says everything I do or say is wrong. He says he is God, a perfect being, and can't be wrong.

Does anyone have any advice for us? I can't go to my mother for help. She is just as much a victim, and goes along with whatever God says. He was hurting her for so many years, so she left, they divorced, and she has her own life now, but God still has control over her. She won't speak against him for any reason. He has brainwashed her. Leaving him saved her life, and hurt him, so God takes his wrath out on me now, even for little things. Nothing is good enough, everything is criticized and complained about, there is always an unacceptable flaw or it wasn't done fast enough.

This is generating a fight or flight response within me, and God calls it "discipline" as if it were not only good parenting, but necessary. He has a duty to be hard on me, and he feels like a failure to be kind, gentle, caring, nurturing, loving. He was brainwashed into this line of thinking by his parents, and so it is that generational abuse continues, but it stops here. I am never having children. I refuse to inflict this criminal behaviour on innocent kids.

As for you, I suggest you pass off your laptop to your bisexual partner, and have him write your response. You are bubbling with anger, frustration and confusion, and probably also shame, fear, regret, sadness, and 100 other emotions. Put your name at the bottom of whatever he writes and send it. Sometimes we have to put our trust in others when our own mind is clouded with emotional pain. When they come to visit, tell them you've been conversing with him, not you. That should shake them out of their homophobia.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Tristan M,

Put a bit more succinctly than my first response !  Well done.  Had a couple more thoughts:

Sometimes something subtle helps - I was thinking that "21 year old female student at breaking point" could send a message come Christmas Time.    Maybe gift a book with a message, i.e. "Lady Chatterley's Lover" or even John Cleeses' psychological beat up "How to Survive Families and other Animals".  He wrote it with his counsellor.   He is often a mental health advocate in England.

Another point would be even if you did get back on track with your folks the emotional abuse might deviate and be thrust upon your sister instead.  This is normally what happens to a family scapegoat.   Someone else gets the role.

Adios, David.

[luke_c]

Hi, I'd reckon you'd live a very boring and unsatisfying life if you did what your parents told you. We pay you $80 000, you must study and work and be in a stable relationship and be secure. You're young and you're at uni, so enjoy life. Be responsible of course, but I find if you pressure yourself into your parents' wishes, you probably will achieve less than you expected. Your grades may suffer, concentration may become very difficult, etc. as a result. Where as if you are enjoying your time at uni, being in a relationship with this guy (I assume it's a good one), and getting drunk now and again then (if you like to!), and thinking about yourself and what you want to achieve in life (not what your parents want) then you will find you will probably do better at your studies. I completed 3 1/2 years of uni doing Information Technology two years ago and I would tell myself what I wanted to get out of my study and what job and who would I like to work for at the end of the day. Now I am in a full-time job (have been for almost 18 months) in the Information Technology industry in a large company (my goal was to work in a large company). While I am in my late 20s and focussed on saving money so I can lay down a deposit for a house in the next 3-5 years, there are times where I still go out and do things I like to do, such as eating out, driving 1 1/2 hours away to go surfing (I'm in Melbourne), drinking espressos from coffee shops and getting massages. Before I had to quit drinking a few months ago (it was affecting me negatively), I used to go to the pub and down some beers (responsibly of course haha) at the end of the working week (man I miss doing that). My point is you gotta reward yourself for your hard work, otherwise you will go stale. Your goal at the end of your study is to get a job so you can achieve your own goals, not what your parents want. But for now, make the most of your study, it's a great time of your life!

[luke_c]

I must add, have a listen to the song "Numb" by U2: look for it on  you  tube. This is in response to your comment "The future is simple - do the right things, study and work, and you will get somewhere in life.".

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear 21 female studnet (in a relationship),

Imagine you are now 41.  Married.  2.2 Kids.  A dog.  Complete collection of Kylie Minogue CD's and a car that runs on paper clips.

Your parents arrive for the weekend.     Just as an exercise write down 10  things that your parents might criticise you about in the next 48 hrs.  Aaaarrrggghhh !

Your parents might not be able to change, but you can.

Adios, David.