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16 teen girl and confused anxiety or is it denial.

maddietige
Community Member

Hi i’m a 16 year old girl and I have always thought as myself to be straight, having crushes, butterflies and fantasies towards boys has always been a thing. Although, I attend an all girls school and contact with boys is limited. I have never had a boyfriend or kissed a guy just crushes and talking stages. All the other girls in my friend group see any hot guy and automatically fetish over him whereas I do this sometimes. I've got two older brothers and a male dominated family so idk I always felt like that was why. 

 

A few months ago I was told that at the start of year 7 a few people thought I was a lesbian. To be honest, my mum was sick at the time and my brothers and dad were just trying to raise me and get me through. So hair and make up just wasn't a thing. I was also kind of a tomboy. I kinda just went "oh i'm not" and moved on. Ever since then it's really gotten to me. I've never crushed, dreamt about or had any urges to kiss a girl etc.

 

My friend group have never brought it up to me, and in the moment when they heard people thought that they were shocked. My problem is, a girl that is apart of the LGBTQ community thought it.The problem is because people thought I was lesbian i just can't get it out of my head. (I suffer from a disorder where intrusive thoughts and anxiety are common side effects) I mainly started to question when I heard some of my friends talking about wether this person was gay or not.  Mainly because one of the girls that thought I was Lesbian in year 7 is gay. I started thinking "omg what if i'm gay and don't know it because she thought I was and what if I've just never met the right girl". 

 

Because of this I've been constantly going onto places like quora, tiktok and forums. Reading up on hocd, denial and all different sexualities. I have alot of the same things factors of hocd, which im happy to talk about. It's been months of this googling and crying. Its honestly scared me, ive seen tiktoks saying "if you thought about it more than three times, your gay" and things about "everyone knowing I was gay before I did". Its honestly freaking me out. 

 

I've now started to blush when I see girls on my tiktok and I have a few times when my friends have touched me. I am even analysing moments in the past now too. 

 

PLS HELP!

 

 

 

 

7 Replies 7

maddietige
Community Member

Just wanted to add that,
I also can remember times previous to this that my mother would say to my siblings and I. (we are all single).        "I can't wait till one day, when you bring a man or woman home" (she said this out of pure love and support just incase).. Idk what this means anymore 

 

I seriously am stuck, I now feel uncomfortable talking about guys with my friends and the boys that I liked I have just been rethinking because of everything Ive seen about comphet and that if you are even reading about it than your not straight. 

sbella02
Community Champion
Community Champion

Maddietige,

 

Thank you for sharing your experience here, and welcome to the forums. I can see your thought process here, and I'd like to hopefully add some clarity to what you're feeling.

 

The first thing I'll say is that Tik Tok can be a bit of a minefield, and there can be a lot of conflicting information, misinformation, and new labels that can confuse you even more than when you started. I'd also just like to mention that while "tomboyish" behaviours in childhood can be a common experience for women who are attracted to women, it isn't exactly first on the checklist for what makes somebody a lesbian.

 

I'm a bisexual woman who is now in my twenties, and I began questioning my sexuality around the same age as you are now. Although for me, there were signs beforehand that I swept to the side out of denial.

 

The first and most obvious sign for me was, blatantly, attraction to women. I slowly realised that the crush sensation that I had felt before for men, I had felt for several girls throughout my life as well. It was seldom talked about at my all-girls school, a little taboo, so I mainly kept this realisation to myself until after I graduated. Albeit, sometimes it can be hard to differentiate between genuine attraction and other similar feelings like admiration, but I suppose one of the distinguishing factors for me was fantasies of an intimate nature.

 

I'd like to pick one thing out of what you've said:

 

"I've never crushed, dreamt about or had any urges to kiss a girl etc."

 

This may be a sign that you're not attracted to women, plain and simple. 

 

Just know that there's no pressure to label yourself if you don't feel like you identify with one sexuality more than another. But if you do feel like you would like to have a solid label, then by all means, see what fits. If you feel like you could experience same-sex attraction but aren't sure, you could always identify yourself as "queer" (referring to anything but straight) or "bicurious" (you've had thoughts about and/or have an interest in experiencing same-sex attraction).

 

Sexuality is a highly individual journey, and you don't really have to share this journey with anybody else if you don't want to. I understand that there's a lot of pressure from other people who seem to have opinions on your sexuality, but the reality is that it's your identity, not theirs, and if you don't feel like you identify with the labels that others have given you, then that's okay.

 

I hope this helps, and please let me know if you have any other questions or things to share. We're here to listen. Most of my friends are also in the LGBTQIA+ community, so I've heard a range of different experiences that could be relevant if you're seeking specific opinions.

 

All the best, SB

Hi thank you so much, I just wanted to know if that it's common for teens to question and then end up just being straight all along?

To be honest the only reason i'm even questioning is because someone thought I was lesbian and it was an area that they knew about and are apart of. Whereas I've just always known myself to be straight and into guys. I stress about literally everything and especially comments when it comes to me and who I am, physical and personality wise and well i guess this too.

Of course, questioning your sexuality is super common in your teenage years. Between hormones, social pressures, stereotypes, and the behaviours and actions of our peers, it's very normal to question and explore our attraction, and this can often continue into our adult life too. There are many different types of attraction as well, and these can all be so confusing for young people who are trying to organise their thoughts and form a solid sense of self/identity. 

 

Honestly, if you've always known yourself to be straight and never had any reason within yourself to question your sexuality, you may come to the realisation that you're straight. But if you think that you have the potential to experience something other than heterosexual attraction, there's absolutely no pressure to label yourself at this stage. Embrace your attraction as it comes.

 

SB

Thank you, I just see everyone say that if you question or even think about something else you're definitely not straight and its definitely stressed me out.

 

I've also noticed that this blushing towards my friends has only happened in the last 6 months. Ive thought about what it would be like to kiss a girl etc just in order to see how i'm feeling and it makes me feel disgusted and nauseous. So i don't understand why sometimes i'm blushing or my stomach is turning when my friends have touched me randomly a few times.

 

This whole googling and stressing has left me with so much knowledge and I've read that most straight girls are still really likely to feel some kind attraction to women as well as men its just not sexual. I'm kinda struggling to understand if blushing is a sexual attraction or just admiration because its not like theres any urges with it. It's just for a split second at the most random times and then it stops. Normally when there is attention on me, not like how it is when I blush when I see a guy just doing whatever. 

People may blush for many different reasons - excessive heat, exhaustion, embarrassment, shame, anxiety, attraction, even happiness. 

 

In summary, your blushing could be for many reasons. Perhaps it's because you've been having conflicting thoughts and your body doesn't quite know how to react. I don't necessarily think it's due to attraction, if there aren't any more associated thoughts or urges that come with it. 

 

You could try writing it down in your journal after every time that you find yourself blushing like that, and you may find that you're better able to dissect what it may mean for you. 

Earth Girl
Community Member

Hi maddietige,

 

Based on everything you have said, you're definitely straight. You may have wondered if you were gay, but that's only because of assumptions other people have made and not because you have ever actually felt attraction towards a girl. It's also completely normal for girls to go through tomboy stages when they are young (or even when they are older) and still be straight (especially if you grew up in a male dominated family because you would be surrounded by that sort of thing all the time. Your brothers probably would have said to you "hey, let's play football!" and your Dad wouldn't have known how to style your hair that well so he probably did whatever the easiest thing to do was).

 

I would say I'm in between straight and bisexual because I like guys, but I sometimes have some curiosity towards other women. I'm a lot more interested in men though. I've heard that a lot of straight women experience some curiosity towards other women, but I'm not 100% sure. You sound like you don't have any curiosity towards women at all so you're probably 100% straight.

 

I experience intrusive thoughts as well and they make me really uncomfortable, but I try to keep reminding myself that they aren't real which is hard, but it's best to just "throw them over your shoulder" as much as possible because they aren't helpful.

 

Your mother would have purely said "I can't wait for you guys to have a boyfriend or girlfriend one day" to be supportive just in case you one day decided that you like women instead of or as well as men. It wouldn't have been because she thought that you "seem gay." I'd say that to my children too just to let them know that whoever they turn out to love, it will be okay. I don't even have children yet so I'm definitely not just assuming who they will like, it's just a support thing. I'd want them to know I'd love them regardless of who they loved.

 

Also sbella says (which I agree with), there's no need to rush yourself into finding these sort of things out and you don't have to label yourself so if one day in the future, you did end up liking another girl, you don't have to tell anyone in anyway, but at least from the time you were born to your age now, you are definitely straight. A small amount of people experiment when they get older because people can change - someone could be straight for a long time and one day become bi or gay and even gay and bisexual people can one day become straight. I don't think you will ever become gay or bisexual though if you are worried about it.

 

It's common for people to make rumors about others in school (it's not a nice thing to do though) and anyone can have a rumor made about them. Sometimes people get rumors made about them because the person who made the rumor didn't like them or was bored or insecure or because the person who had the rumor made about them didn't fit in or is shy so they were an easy target.

 

The blushing is probably caused by the intrusive thoughts. Since your mind is questioning these *untrue* things about yourself, it's making you nervous in situations when you are with other girls. You may be thinking "Does this mean I like this girl" even though you have no attraction to them, but just the thought of it is making you nervous.