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wife of 15 years abandons family to chase men

MrCheese
Community Member
I don't know how to convince my soon to be ex wife that jumping from bed to bed is not a good way to solve either mental health or marital issues. Our three young children are as devastated as I am but unlike me they do not spend most of the day crying. I loved her so much, and I feel like I have been ripped apart by her abandoning us in order to chase other men...
6 Replies 6

Guest_322
Community Member

Hi,

The heartbreak and betrayal really comes across in that short paragraph. I'm so so sorry...

I have to admit that I'm on the younger end of the age spectrum, have never been married and don't have children. So a lot of this is beyond my (firsthand) understanding. In saying that, what I can empathise with is the hurt and sense of loss but for different reasons.

I've seen some of my extended family members go through some very difficult divorces and separations, and like you, many of them were devastated.

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Post any time to get some of it out of your system; sometimes it's better out in the stratosphere than inside your head and heart.

Dottie x

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Mr C, welcome

Children are resilient. We are less so.

IMO best you try to accept this change in your wife, settle as a single dad and allow yourself time to recover.

Your soon to be ex wife is an adult capable and legally free to do as she pleases at the cost of others. When we marry we can't calculate that that person will continue as they are, some people change and often for the worse.

Its time for someone to step up and take the reins of your home and that person is you. She being the mum means her love for her children will remain. For what its worth I'd do all I could to nurture that motherhood for the sake of all involved.

People can act odd in our eyes. It can be taken as personal hurt. Or it can be taken that people are complex and sometimes don't mean to hurt anyone but can't control their actions...can't restrain themselves.

Well done in seeking advice. We are here always. Now. Be that rock your children need. Be kind to your wife and let her go. The best result you could hope for is to remain friends. That's something to aim for.

As time goes by the big picture will become more clarified and your future clearer.

Tony WK

thanks Tony...but its so hard to just "move on"...she/we were such an integral part of each others lives that I just can't believe she can just turn around and stop loving me just like that...surely there is something I can do...what is even going through her head that she thinks she can do this without harming even just her children...never mind me. I knew that she had slept with a lot of men before our marriage, I wasn't a virgin exactly either, but for fifteen years we were utterly loyal to each other. I would never have dreamed that a person could abandon all the good years we had and revert back to her old ways...I never would have dreamed that she would do this because we both felt so good in each others arms. How the heck do you just get over this sort of thing?

Hi Dottie, thanks for your kind words...my wife is fifty one and I am fifty...we both feel like we are still thirty something though...When we found each other fifteen years ago we both thought that God had answered all our prayers and to me it felt like He was still answering my prayers up until seven months ago. The time apart has been sheer hell...I've seen counsellors, psychiatrists, psychologists and even been in a mental health hospital for a couple of weeks all while she was with another guy, and at one point I actually felt like I had gotten over her...but then she came back...she gave me two weeks before she gave up on me again but because we kept having sex I thought there was still a chance to reconcile...that was until last night when she told me she had been seeing yet another guy in the meantime. How can a woman turn her back on her kids, her family, somebody who loves her more than himself...just to be able to jump from one stranger's bed into another's. I honestly thought there had to be love first.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello MrCheese, wow I can understand why you are so upset, any parent would feel the same, and yes it's never going to solve any mental or martial issues, it only makes the situation worse.
You can't work out why she has suddenly done this and perhaps you will never get an answer that will satisfy you, and even if she gives you a reason why this maybe only be half the truth or perhaps she doesn't really know because it was impulsive, but now it's too late, but she will end up being worse off in the end.
She has lost respect for you and your three children to run off chasing other men in total disregard for you all, now your children will not regard her as being their mum and will grow up mentioning only you as their parent, they don't have a mother, she has been lost and could never make a comfortable relationship with them ever again.
With the love you have for her is based on your 15 years that were happy, but something has just snapped in her to disregard her family and only want to have the excitement of chasing other men, but there will be a time when this will stop, as she gets older no one will be interested in her and then be left all by herself, then she may regret what she has done, but it will be far too late, because her family will disown her.
The love and all your tears are for someone who you once knew, but she isn't that person any more she is a phildanderer and these people never have any success in life, it's impossible because they are never happy. Geoff.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

There are some mental illnesses that have symptoms of high random sexual activity. However if thus us the case with your wife some level of insight is required for her to seek help.

For you to torture yourself about why she is acting thus way is not a good thing. To preserve your own sanity you could do yourself a favour by seeking help yourself via a professional counsellor. Our words here a good for discussion and like Geoff said, she will be the ultimate loser in this, but you need clarity now.

Sometimes you won't get answers in life that satisfy. Time will help. You can't buy it or borrow it.

Be kind to yourself. Take care.

Tony WK