Wife Had Affair - 3 Yaers later, Relationship Is not the same

[Claypole]

My wife had a five year long affair with one of our best friends. I found out when I saw a text message on her phone. We decided to stay together , and the aftershcok of the affair had a big effect on our social base and friends (most blamed her and ditched us both)

Three years on and I feel very confused, my wife and I are still close, but there is no intimicay in the relationsip at all. I still do not fully trust her, and every time she is away my anxiety levels rocket. My self asteim is very low because of the lack of intimacy, and I feel kind of trapped.

Is it time to end the relationship? Can it be fixed?

I have tried talking to her, but she would rather just sweep it under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen. she just says things like "but things are good now, we should just move on". She doesn't seem to understand that things are not good.

This just feels like a friendship rather than a marriage - we do lots together, but not really as man and wife.

We have been married for 25 years now, and I'm not sure I am just staying for a sense of loyalty or duty. There is no other person on the horizen, I have never actively looked, but I am worried if I don't will I be stuck in this state of Limbo for the next 25 years?

[blondguy]

Hello Claypole

Welcome and thankyou for having the strength to be a part of the forums too

Just to reassure you that the forums are a safe and non judgemental place to post...Your privacy and well being are paramount to us

I am sorry for what you have been through. You have been through some serious pain and anguish from what you have posted.

Can I ask how your wife would feel if you suggested a joint counseling session? Only per own life experience I know that if my partner turned me down for a marriage counseling session I would be very concerned

There are many gentle people on the forums that are happy to be here for you too Claypole.

If you wish you are more than welcome to post back....There is a ton of life experience on the forums that may provide you with some peace of mind

my kind thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

Hi Claypole, thanks for discussing a difficult topic, but one that's so important you would like us to comment on.

How your relationships function have a deep bearing on your mind and emotions but being confused is never a nice feeling and having a five year affair is a long time, and much has been happening behind your back, which you were unaware of, so the trust has been broken.

It's too difficult to sweep this under the carpet, simply because every time she's not with you, your mind would be going into overboard, that's not what you are wanting and at the moment there is no intimacy and then she tells you that 'we should move on'.

You could try joint counselling, however, trust how you actually feel and go ahead with what your instinct tells you.

If I can offer my suggestion, trust is so very difficult to maintain once this happens.

Like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Betternow]

Hello Claypool

Your post is full of sadness and confusion. I see Geoff and blond guy have already offered you some wise counsel. I will try to add to their support but forgive me for having to make some assumptions. I’m guessing you are middle aged and if you had children they are now likely young adults. Twenty five of marriage is not be tossed away lightly, but your wife is providing you genuine concerns about the present and future. If nothing changes, your health will suffer.

You are justified in feeling disappointment, grief and anger with your wife’s affair that lasted five years. No need to feel guilty about that. I’m assuming that the lack of physical intimacy in your marriage is a major factor in preventing you “forgiving and forgetting”. That’s pretty normal too.

There are only two broad reasons why your wife will not be intimate with you. The first is medical, the second is emotional. If we assume the reason is emotional, no amount of pressure or argument from you is likely to make her “love you in that way”. Don’t waste your energy. Marriage is not supposed to work like that.

As others have suggested, couples counselling is strongly recommended. If your wife will not commit to counselling (give her a week to think about it), I think you have your answer. If you can’t live in a non intimate environment, end the marriage.