Why do i exist?
My whole life i've felt as though i shouldn't have been born. From the little details i know surrounding my birth i have the feeling as though i am nothing more than a mistake. My parents were only married for around a year before my dad found his new partner and divorced my mum, i think that happened before i was two. My mother also found a new partner years lately both new partners seemly make it their mission to make my life harder than it needs to be.
I grew up with both of my parents arguing over custody battles and being moved schools every couple of years. I never could understand why they argued so much seeing as it was over me and it only ever hurt me. I think i was quite a odd child, i was shy but other times i would lose all control of my temper into a fit of rage. I hated (still do) my step parents, my step mother forced me to call her Mum, telling my dad that it was the only way to stop her new child for calling her by her first name and of course he went along with it. She has total control over my dad and will manipulate any situation she can. My step dad has a narcissistic personally cant stand me having anything. He will lie, abuse, manipulate, threat and even turn violent for even the slightest reason. This is the type of man who held his dyeing mother in his hands basically demanding that she couldn't leave him.
I spent most of my childhood failing at school, having barely any friends, being bullied and depressed. So many years i feel as though I've been treated as a second grade citizen to everyone and everything. Constantly everyone else's needs have been put before mine and i cant stay that i can every think of a moment where I've felt genuinely loved. I only feel the fake affection my family has given me out of sympathy. They have seen my issues and never quite took them onboard to actually help me with. Half arsed attempts to show others that they have done something about it. Sending me to the school counsellor after i told them i wanted to kill myself, Putting me on Ritalin to help with my school work but making my break downs worse. Ill say that my mum did try. Although i spent most of the childhood watching my step father abuse her verbally and physically. I tried my best to be there for her and protect her even though that was her job for me.
These lasts couple of years i find myself waking up angry or sad most days. Feeling totally alone and not able to connect with anyone. All i really want is to be loved by someone.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through... but I want you to know that you're not the only one that feels or has felt that way before.
I also want you to know that you are also not alone. I too was a screwed up kid from an abusive home, so straight away there's at least two of us on this forum. 🙂
Looking at your story, and looking back at my past, they seem so similar in many ways. Parents that are supposed to protect us and guide us ended up messing up our minds. We both ended up with all sorts of distorted self beliefs (you ask why you exist, I asked why am I the most useless person in the world). We also ended up with behaviours that push people away - mighty helpful in an abusive household, but makes socialising pretty darned difficult.
For me, the turning point was when I realised that my family relationships were not normal, and I started learning how to think and behave in non-destructive ways. I received a lot of help from a counsellor helped me with internal issues like self esteem and depression, while I read self-help books that taught me how to make friends and influence people. Very importantly, I stopped the behaviours that were alienating others, allowing myself a chance to form close relationships. There were no overnight fixes, but within a few years I was doing well at my job, my social life and my sporting activites - goals that had seemed impossible earlier.
Now you've just come to these forums talking about a messed up home life and asking for help... that looks like a turning point to me. It appears that you are about to start the same journey that I went on all those years ago. It might not seem like it now, but you have the power to eventually transform yourself a confident, successful person who is liked by everyone and whose family-created problems are a thing of the past. 🙂
Hi Sheogath and Belate
These two posts are very powerful. I came from a large family of 11 children. I was third youngest. The struggle for individuality was so strong when I was young, I decided to not speak until I left home. It has taken many years to grow my confidence to speak out, to be part of larger groups and now am so amazed that I am able to talk freely to others who are struggling, telling them about my life and encouraging them to take a small but meaningful positive step each day. It is amazing how this helps build momentum and a slow but sure change in my mentality and focus on life. I am now at the point where I am amazed how many of my friends and family look so negative and destructive, whereas before when I was younger they seemed to be strong and more "together" than I.
I encourage and support you to start to believe in yourself and realise how good you are as an individual, how unique and special you are
You sound like such a kind, gentle soul - I could really hear your ‘voice’ in your post. Unfortunately for you, you sound as though you were born into a complex adult situation through no fault of your own. Nothing infuriates me more than adults who involve children into adult situations through their behavior etc. New partners can be self-interested/selfish and malicious towards children from a previous relationship because of what they represent. It saddens me that you are asking yourself why do you exist - you are a kind, articulate person and out of everyone you have described, I don’t think that you should be the person asking that question. But there is a big wide world out there full of all sorts of people, many of them kind and loving. I just think you need to get out there and get some perspective as your family has obviously skewed your reality. Plus the beauty of finding new people is you can choose if you like them or not and decide how big a part they play in your life.
You need to realise that you didn't choose your family, you didn't choose any of the actions (divorce, new partners etc) of your parents. You didn't ask to be born, didn't chose to be brought up the way you did, or who you had to go to school with. These are just people and circumstances that happened to be there in your childhood, and that you had no control over. Now that you are an adult (I'm assuming you're now an adult) you can CHOOSE where to go, who to mix with, you can create you own destiny for yourself.
What helped me out of depression was creating a bucket list. I have swam with dolphins, met some of my favourite rock stars, been bungy jumping, skydiving etc. I'm always about looking forward, and trying not to look back. YOUR PAST DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR FUTURE. Go out and "find yourself" in the world. I highly recommend working overseas. Perhaps you are young enough to get a Youth Mobility visa? (18-30)I did this when I was 28 and spent 2 years in the UK. It was amazing. Once you are out there seeing and doing it will help you to put past negative experiences behind you. Your childhood/teen years will seem like a lifetime ago.
Of course, there isn't a day that I don't think about how much I dislike my deadbeat father, and how I resent him for his disinterest in us kids when we were growing up. But I find it much easier to cope these days because I am always keeping myself busy. I have lots of hobbies, I travel a lot (usually going on big drives to random places in Australia) I am always keeping things new and interesting.
If you could magically teleport yourself to anywhere in the world right now, where would it be? Have u thought about planning a trip to this place? (Not necessarily booking and paying for it, but just penciling it in for the future) Do you know how awesome Scotland is? How about everytime you think about some BS that happened to you in the past - you distract yourself by planning an awesome future?
Just my 2 cents 🙂
Sounds like you not only inherited your parents' genes but also their problems. Parents typically don't realise but their role is to help us establish a firm and positive sense of identity, laying the foundations for who we are to become. You speak about how your parents and step parents have had you identifying yourself. You also mention how folk at school had you looking at yourself (the bullying aspect). Interesting how you talk of being your mum's protector, when that should have been the role she played in your life. Sounds to me like you can already see some truth in regard to what you deserve. Now it's a matter of getting to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The best place to start is in counsel with a professional who understands how to help us best undo the damage others have caused. Your path to independence (free from the negative impact of others) begins with investing in your own mental well-being.
Before stepping foot on your path to positive self-discovery, I will give you some truths:
- All life has value, including yours
- Your parents appear to have been more absorbed in establishing their own lives, allowing oversight when it came to what you were fully entitled to (a solid and healthy foundation)
- You weren't an 'odd' child, just sensitive and misguided with anger/frustration being the result and understandably so
- Your stepparent's thoughtless and self-focused ways left you little choice when you were entitled to choice (in what you called them as well as how you were entitled to be treated - with respect)
- Your struggles at school were most likely the result of a lack of guidance and the bullying, well, what can I say but it just comes down to ignorance (when it comes to how people deserve to be treated). Ignorance and a lack of social skill doesn't excuse bullying
If I was left feeling undervalued, unentitled and disrespected I would be seriously angry and sad too.
All children are deserving when it comes to having people in their lives who can help them evolve in positive ways, whilst being true to their own genuine nature. As I say to people 'In EVOLution LOVE is found'.
So Belate, the truth is you deserve to evolve positively and this comes better late than never. Speak to someone who can help you find more truth. To become invested in our own evolution means we have chosen the path to finding self-love. And this is the love we need the most.
Take care Belate
Your voice is so powerful! Like Sheogorath, I too, was brought up in a violent home of parental disagreement and violence. When my parents broke up I was fortunate that at least one of the partners was caring but by then we were all grown up and going our own ways. But the violence, bullying at school, and much more, are still all have a huge impact on you that makes up who you are!
I want to support the truths mentioned above in therising's post. You are not alone, it's not your fault, yet it still impacts how the world sees you unless you can move on. Try to focus on your interests and make friends with other people who like those things. The other thing that helped me was, to change regions, getting away from the people who hurt me most, including my siblings and family, really helped me to see that not everybody is bad like they were. Once you can move on and be over it emotionally it pays to talk about it if you have found ways to overcome, or at least cope with, these things; and seeing that what you say is of benefit to others as well as yourself is a great place to start including this forum.
If you can broaden your horizons to include other interest and community groups you never know how you could start to help others. Yet, at the same time, you benefit yourself by getting these things off your chest.
I'm still feeling a bit down myself even though I now have an opportunity to make a new life. My past still haunts me just like you described, so it's nice to have someone else who feels exactly the same. Thank you.