When will it end?

[Ritzley]

I was married to my childhood sweetheart for 24 years.  2 beautiful children, lovely house and plans for our future.  My husband had been unhappy at work and quite moody with it.  We had discussed him leaving his job and looking for something else.  He went to work one day and I was concerned about him, so I called him at lunch time to check that everything was ok.  That was when my life fell apart and he told me he was having an affair with a lady he met and slept with at the office Christmas party the previous year.  Four days earlier we had been sitting around the table making travel plans for our 25th wedding anniversary and joking about how we would travel the world once the girls were out on their own.  It hit me like a freight train.  In the same phone call he told me that he was moving in with this woman, that she was his soul mate.

that was 18 months ago.  I've held it together pretty well.  Sold the house, did the financial agreement, purchased a property, did the divorce papers, worked full time and kept my girls supported.  I thought with the divorce it would finally be over and I could stop feeling so out of control and worthless all the time, but I think maybe I have been holding it all in for 18 months and now that I've finished sorting the emotions are having their turn.  

In the last few weeks I've struggled to get out of bed every day and I feel tired all the time.  My emotions are all over the place - irritable, sad, lonely.  I feel ashamed and humiliated by what he did and then angry that I feel that way and then ashamed again that I have become this wreck of a person.  I cry at the drop of a hat and I that just makes me feel worse because I should be starting to feel better and I just am feeling worse each day.  I am normally an in-control person and I just feel so out of control.

When does it stop?  I just want to stop feeling like this every single day.

[geoff]

dear Ritzley, I want to thank you so much for posting your comment.

This whole situation must have been absolutely devastating for you, and being 18 months ago doesn't mean that you were out of the woods, and no matter how strong a person you are, eventually it was going to hit you, and it has, depression has now taken over your life, and I'm so sorry for this, you're been through too much .

I can't answer when it will stop because everyone is different, the help, support and any medication they are given.

I would like to know if any of your daughters are in contact with him and what their thoughts are regarding this, besides this it's time for you to seek help and that you need to see your doctor.

All of us know exactly what you are going through, depression is the curse of the world, and no one can overcome it by themselves, that's why you need to seek professional help starting off with your doctor, who will get the ball rolling for you.

He/she will set up a medicare plan which gives you 10 free visits to see a psych and if I may go back to your daughters I wonder if they too are suffering from depression.

I really hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[AGrace]

Hi Ritzley,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I have no doubt that this has been the toughest 18 months and you've been so focused on the practical elements it's no wonder your emotions are now showing up.

Divorce is never easy, and as Geoff has mentioned going through it alone is a tough call. There is no shame in a relationship ending. The fact that your ex moved on to this new person has no reflection on you as a person. Your ex just decided that he found love with another woman. Don't be embarrassed by this, half the married world gets divorced so you're definitely not alone in your suffering. 

As Geoff highlighted, you're children are grown and you've sorted out everything to do with the relationship ending. Now it's time to be selfish and do some things for you. You will have warn the hat of wife fore so long that it can feel completely unnatural to be concentrating on you, but it's something that must be done to help with healing.

Are you willing to see your GP or see a counsellor and talk through some suggestions in getting some extra support? Are your family supportive of you? Do you have a family member or friend that you can lean on for a little while? Are you working at the moment? Do you need to take some time away from work?

I hope we will hear back from you.

AGrace

[Ritzley]

Hi Geoff and Grace,

Thanks for your words of support.  I've seen the doctor and am getting myself sorted.  I've been down the depression road before, so I know what I'm dealing with.  I guess I thought I might have made it through, given that I'd survived for 18 months.  I really think it is related to having held it all together for everyone else and so that I could sort my life, when I didn't need to concentrate so hard on that stuff anymore it all just cam crashing down on me.  Just seeing the doctor and even writing it down here was helpful and I started to feel better right away.  I know it is a long road ahead, but I also know I can do it.

My girls are doing fine.  They struggle a little with feelings of abandonment, especially since their father only fits them in when he hasn't got something better to do, but they talk to each other and they talk to me and I'm keeping a close eye on them.  They have family and good friends to support them as well.

I know that what happened is not my fault and not something that I had any control over, yet infidelity has very negative connotations and there is shame associated with it regardless of how many times you tell yourself that it shouldn't.  I think the shame is more to do with feelings of stupidity that you didn't know something was going on and that you were blissfully unaware that your marriage had problems.

I'll be fine.  I've got a great family, supportive friends, happy pills and my mantra on the wall that I read it every time I walk past. 

 "I am a beautiful, loving and worthwhile woman.  I am ready to be free.  I am ready to  be happy.  I am ready to love.  May I experience peace and love by trusting in the love of the universe."

[AGrace]

Hi Ritzley,

Thanks for getting back to us. I love your mantra. I have a quote by Charlie Chaplin next to my bed "A day without laughter is a day wasted". If I haven't laughed by the time I get into bed at night I either ask my partner to make me laugh, or read some jokes, or watch some comedy so I can have a bit of a laugh. It really does help, I understand when they say laughter is the best medicine.

I'm glad you've been to your Dr and that the focus is on you now, and your girls.

I can understand the embarrassment of being blissfully ignorant to the deceit in your relationship. Having spent nearly 10 years with a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive, and all my friends and family could see it but I couldn't because I felt so insignificant caused me a lot of shame. I also felt really ashamed every time my father cheated on my mother, I was too embarrassed to have friends come to my place because I thought my dad would make an attempt with their mothers, after he cheated with my best friends mum. You do have every right to feel this, just know that your true friends won't judge you, they'll be more incline to judge your ex husband.

I hope that you will keep us updated on you progress. Depression can make a grand entrance at any time, and sadly we just never know when. I guess all we can hope for is that each time we are more aware of what to expect, and have a few more tools to deal with it.

AGrace