When someone says they love you but you know they could drop you like a stone.

[Mr K]

I've been through a lot in the past few years, separation and divorce, a new job, a cancer scare, and learning how to cope with 50/50 care of my kids. During that time I was fortunate and met someone who supported me and as time went by became a loving and affectionate partner.

Somehow I managed to get through all this and am still in one piece. In many ways other than the time lost with my kids I'm better now than I have been in many many years.

I was up until the past weekend feeling really confident moving forward with my new relationship, we often exchange affectionate messages, gifts and really enjoy the time we spend together.

However, we had a misunderstanding the other day after a misunderstanding led to me being stood up for what should have been a very special date night. I was utterly overwealmed and had to take some time out to process how I felt. When I was feeling a bit better I initiated contact and said I was sorry.

The responses I received were very defensive and I was left feeling very insecure.

I was as direct as I could be asking if this was the end of our relationship?

The response I received was very much that "if I wanted to end the relationship over this then so be it".

Now maybe I'm overthinking this but for me I love you is a lifetime, not just a point in time. I felt utterly disposable at this point and although we are still together I'm struggling to move on in my mind constantly thinking I'm not as valued in the relationship as I once thought.

How will I know if this is genuine, I don't want to stuff this up for me, for her or especially my children.

[Croix]

Dear Mr K~

I can sympathize wiht your worry about this, there is no real guide book or test you can make after all. There are however a few things you might like to consider.

The first is abut yourself. You have been through a very hard time and I would imagine many people after a divorce feel that all relationships are more fragile than they actually are. One bad experience does not mean all are bad.

Bearing that in mind it is very natural to view any stumbling in a relationship as a possible cause for it to end. While it is possible I guess it depends upon how each party feels. If both feel vulnerable it can mean overreactions.

For example if you use a sentence with "the end of our relationship" as part of it maybe that's all the other person hears, even though it was not your meaning. As a result they can think things are on the brink of breaking up and will naturally be cautious in their response.

You are right that love can be permanent, and hopefully in your case it will be. I guess the only thing to do is discuss the whole matter and while setting out you feelings try for a positive and reassuring manner as you do not want the relationship to end and believe misunderstandings and hurt can be overcome.

Find what your partner's feelings are and what your partner would like. Perhaps your partner is in the same situation as you, wiht bad experience in the past making for lack of self confidence and trust.

Does all this seem reasonable?

Croix

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[Karen0901]

Hi Mr K,

I read what happened different to you. I feel you partner was saying the same thing you are. That love is stronger than breaking up over misunderstanding. I think when she said: ""if I wanted to end the relationship over this then so be it", was here being upset you could so quickly jump to a break up scenario. I think she was feeling unwanted. I would clarify what she meant with her.

[james1]

Hey Mr K,

I can hear you are very confused about what is happening at the moment. I've been in similar situations and it can be really scary and hurtful, especially when you've had a difficult history with relationships as you have. I can really understand how insecure that can cause you to feel when you two had that misunderstanding.

As Croix and Karen0901 have suggested, it maybe helpful to hear out your partner's story and see how she felt. It may clarify some of what she meant, and help with the overthinking. It may even be a good opportunity for the two of you to understand each other a little bit better.

James