What to do if you have people who need your help, but your life is at a standstill because of it.

[Flowerchild07]

I have a niece who is dependent on me to take care of her and her 3 children.  She has mental health issues and the children aren't being taken care of the way they should be.  There's no one else to take care of things and my life, career and mental health are in a shambles.  People tell me just to move away and she will have to do things for herself, but I don't want to see her children grow up being somewhat neglected and not getting the very best upbringing possible.  The eldest children suffer from severe social anxiety and the youngest is on the spectrum, and my niece can't get out of bed some days.  The kids don't go to school very often and I am having physical and emotional difficulties trying to do everything.  I have dreams and goals, but they have been on the back burner for years.  I'm in my 60's  and don't know how to get off this roller coaster.

[Juliet_84]

Hi flowerchild07,

I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this position, what a selfless person you have been to take this on thus far. How old are the children if you don’t mind me asking? Where are your nieces parents if you don’t mind me asking? While it’s admirable what you are doing, you didn’t make the decision to have three children that you are unable to look after. Is your niece receiving support and effective treatment for her mental health issues?

[Sophie_M]

Hello Flowerchild07
 
Thank you for having the courage to post to the online forums this evening and a very warm welcome to you.
 
We agree with Juliet_84, you seem like you are a very loving and caring person!.  This is such a beautiful quality however can lead to the neglect of your own needs and wishes which understandably would leave you feeling resentful and empty we would imagine?  We understand the obligation and need in you to care for the children, but sometimes we as women do tend to fall in line with society’s message that we must focus on the needs of family before we address our own needs, however these message only serve to take away our identity and power to thrive. 
 
To take that step away from the roller coaster you refer to, it’s important to take care of yourself and reaching out for support is a big part of this so please give yourself credit here.  Are there any other supports such as extended family members, friends or support services available to call upon in order to give you a little space to reflect on what is you need for you and how you might obtain that?
 
In terms of the children, depending on their ages, there are a number of support services that they (and you!) might also find helpful including the website Reachout; they can also call KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800 or Headspace on 1800 650 890.
 
We would love to invite you to give our fully qualified counselling team a call here at Beyond Blue, either by telephone, we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat  where you can talk about how this is impacting on your, also to help you explore your options for support and self-care.
 
Once again, please be kind to yourself and thanks for sharing this evening, it’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards
 
Sophie M

[Mark Z.]

Hi Flowerchild07,

Welcome to the forum. I can tell you're really a caring and supportive person, but the situation is really challenging.

I totally agree with you that you need to focus on your mental and physical health first, and your dreams and goals are important. While just moving away, leaving your niece and her family alone might not a good idea either. I think it's better to try to arrange as much as possible professional support to your niece before that, for example, engaging her to a mental health program via her GP, engaging mental health support workers, peer workers, or peer support groups. And then keep in touch with her when you're away.

Hope everything will be better.

Mark

[geoff]

Hello Flowerchild, the responsibility you have is enormous and will be much appreciated in years to come, however, it may be advisable that her doctor should consider admitting her to hospital and then getting the assistnce from Kids Helpline to encourage the kids to be able to go to school.

If this can be done then the pressure on you, not only to care for your niece but extends to looking after the kids can finally allow you to get the help you need to try and stabilise your life, because you are also very important here.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Flowerchild07]

Thank you Juliet.  Children are 15, 14 and 4.  Her parents separated about 20 years ago.  Her father has a completely new family.  He lives quite a long way away and only sees her occasionally.  Her mother does what she can, but can only do so much because she runs her own business.  No, my niece is not receiving the support she needs because it's damn near impossible to get an appointment.  Numerous doctors and specialists have turned her away because they can't fit her in.  Her mental health issues have the added problem of making her believing she is okay and doesn't need help or medication.

[Flowerchild07]

Thanks Sophie.  I don't believe women should or need to focus on family.  I'm not working at the moment, therefore I really am the only one in the area we live in who can be there for her and her kids.  I truly feel I have no choice, especially since she has allowed me to move in with her while I try to look for a place of my own.  The rental crisis, is just that.....a real crisis.  All our other relatives and friends nearby have obligations of their own.

I can't call upon any support services, because she doesn't want strangers in her house and with her mental health  issues, she doesn't see anything clearly or rationally.  Therefore it's impossible to reason with her.  She is in complete denial about almost everything.  

I have taken your suggestion onboard.  The children have severe social anxiety, so they won't call anyone.  They don't talk about anything.  

I will also reach out to the counselling team.  Thank you.

[Flowerchild07]

Thanks Mark.

I appreciate your comments.  She won't agree to any of what you suggest.  I've tried.  The whole family has tried.

As I mentioned to the other people who commented.....it is nearly impossible to get an appointment with anyone.  She is in denial about almost everything.  She is impossible to reason with.  She has been ill for almost her whole life.  We've tried to help.  She will not agree to any of it.  Unfortunately it is far more complex than it seems.

Kind regards.

[Flowerchild07]

Thank you Geoff.  

I appreciate you taking the time to respond.  They wouldn't admit her to hospital.  She functions fairly normally except she can't keep up or cope with all the demands that come with being a fully functional mother.  Without going into all the details of her illness, she needs a lot of help in and around the home and with the kids and she won't have any strangers in her house.  There's no one else to do it.

Kindest regards.