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UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hello, I’m really confused right now and I don’t know where
to start, so I’ll try to see if I can at least make sense.

About a month and a half ago, my girlfriend of 4 years broke
up with me. It had been very rocky for the previous 4 months, so it wasn’t
unexpected. We’d tried talking a lot of this through but if I’m honest with
myself, I thought I tried my best but really didn’t. My only excuse is that I
was studying and working full time, so with 4 hours of sleep a night, my head
wasn’t quite screwed on. She said she still loved me but wasn’t in love with me
and thought we just needed time apart and she wanted space.

Since then, I’ve been seeing a psychologist about issues I
had in my childhood and while my psychologist doesn’t want to start giving me
labels, it’s clear that I do have some personality issues, and recently the
whole fear of abandonment has kicked in. I’ve tried contacting my ex a few
times (more than I’d like) and in some instances she’s replied, in others she
hasn’t. I know she cares, but it’s pretty clear that she wants me out of her
life right now.

I know what I need to do and that’s to get better and keep
seeing my psychologist. The tough thing is the only motivation I have that
maybe my ex will be willing to meet up after I’m better. In my head, I know we
were a really good couple but I really needed to deal with my childhood ghosts
earlier. But I also know I could just be setting myself up for disappointment
in the future, but I really feel no other reason to get better.

I’m very confused and I feel like I’m just watching myself
wander around aimlessly, but I don’t really care either.
15 Replies 15

This is the best thing I've heard all day! What a great thing to say James. Onwards and upwards my man!

Hey James...You are a very kind person and thankyou for the mega compliment....and my apologies for the delay in getting back to you.

You....Apollo and myself have a lot on our plates...It is exhausting. I think its great though to see you helping new posters with some heartfelt advice.....You Rock James!.....have a great weekend too.

My Best

Paul

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello,

I thought I'd post an update here rather than start a new thread, and I'd appreciate your thoughts on my plan (if it can be called that?).

So it's been about 3 weeks since I last posted about this and a lot has changed in everything outside of this relationship problem. I sent my ex a text on Tuesday (about 3 weeks after I last sent her a text) just as a quick "hi, this is what I've been up to. I saw something you told me about a while ago which I'd like to tell you about some time, but I'm still seeing the psychologist for now."

Of course, the thing that keeps digging at me inside is that I'd love the chance to explain that all the things she didn't like about me, I'm working on with my psychologist as part of this BPD. And I hope that she can see past that once I work on it, and can see all the qualities she was attracted to in the first place are still there.

But I don't think it's the time or place for that.

So this is my plan: I will keep writing letters and poems and little sentences which capture my thoughts and feelings. I will not share them with her, but just keep them for myself. I will try to keep her abreast of key events (moving out next month! finally!), but not pressure any response. and hopefully, maybe next month which will be the third month after break-up, she'll be willing to talk.

It's not something I'm willing to let go (unless it just happens naturally), because she only asked for space and I know inside that we could have a really good shot at falling in love again if we gave each other the chance.

That second chance might not come, but that's why I'm trying to also keep myself busy with new priorities like volunteering more again and coming here to try and help people where I can!

James

Hey James, great to see you 🙂 You really are 'tuned in' with your feelings. I have nothing but admiration for the way you have been coping. 4 years is a long time to be with a partner and I wouldn't let go either if there was even a tiny chance of the relationship to bloom again.

Your are 24 and your attitude and wisdom are of a person many years your senior...and good on you!

James said: "It's not something I'm willing to let go (unless it just happens
naturally), because she only asked for space and I know inside that we
could have a really good shot at falling in love again if we gave each
other the chance"

I have read all of your input and you have a caring and non judgemental approach to helping many others. There is no judgement here as you know on the forums.

I hope you get a second chance James....My kind thoughts....Paul 🙂

You deserve a break.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Paul,

I've always appreciated your thoughts. I feel very safe here.

Thank you

James

Hey James...thankyou heaps...it means a lot to me....I feel safe with you on here as a peer...you are and have been very supportive to me. I may be on the recovering side of depression but you are a bonus to me and many others!

Nice1 James

Paul