Unsure

[Anzee]

Hi I’ve been aware that my partner has a temper for most of our relationship and there was a time that he was really bad and our eldest was only little and I left him but he saw a dr (once) said he was better and was really good for a few months BUT every time he’s stressed out for any reason he takes it all out on us and I have tried talking to him calmly and I recently had to face some memories of childhood trauma I went through after having a trigger and it really messed me around emotionally, I have a psychologist and she was very encouraging and supportive but my partner just refused to take on some extra responsibilities to help me get through this tough time and he was constantly yelling at me in front of the kids because he was getting frustrated I wasn’t able to function at the same level I had been before or he’s yelling at the kids for something very small or sometimes even just for being too loud or for crying so the kids attached themselves to me once again and I ended up telling my psychologist I couldn’t go through with my referral for the appropriate trauma treatment we had spent weeks getting my courage up to attend but once I knew my kids weren’t feeling happy and safe without my full support and attention I couldn’t go through with it. Anyways my question is about his temper around and to the kids, so at the moment he loses his temper at least once a day and swears a lot when he’s yelling and using profanity but not swearing at them, is this behaviour ok? am I just overthinking/ exaggerating the situation? He has said countless times over the years he is going to change and stop yelling but as of yet he has not been successful for more than a few months. Ive just put too much thought into it and now have myself worried that his reactions to something as simple as one of them feeling upset and crying and him yelling at them to stop crying and stop being such a sook is damaging them and causing mental issues down the track. The last thing I want is to let anything jeopardise their health and happiness but I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking and overreacting.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

It is very easy to lump together sets of related and horrible experiences, even if in fact they are separate. I guess the feelings from the first carry over to the second and so in both at the time and in memory.

You are in control, and feeling working on trauma might wait a while in itself may help you feel less dread.

Can you say what you are planning on next?

Croix

[Anzee]

To have a new brain inserted is my current choice 😉 I have no idea, I guess I’ll just wait for CASA to call and go from there.. it’s way too exhausting and overwhelming to deal with, I need to sleep for a week I think.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee
When I'm in a bad place with things getting too much PLUS having to wait on something worrying then I make a special effort to dig out the old faithfuls I have enjoyed, books I've read before, music to think on and find the lyrics, YouTube Clips of comedians, walking with my wife beside a river where there are platypus.

A list much longer than that. The idea is at start of day I have something to look forward to, even it it sounds selfish it is not, you are trying to gain a degree of calm, may not always work and the things you have liked are no doubt different to mine.

The family may even come to expect it -"that's Anzee's time"

Do you think it might help?

Croix

[Anzee]

Thanks Croix,

I did have my time set up before we moved to my mums and I have been trying really hard to set up that time again here but my kids just cannot deal with me not being in arms reach. I sneak off into my bedroom and sometimes it takes 10 minutes before they realise I’ve left there side but when they realise they come straight to me and attach themselves to me, literally. The 4yo climbs all over me and wraps herself around my shoulders or neck, the 8yo just snuggles into me and if I ask them if I can have some space, me time etc the bring on the puppy dog eyes so I feel guilty and give up on me time.

[Anzee]

I do love listening to music and will often go for drives just so I can have my music on and the kids have wireless headphones and watch a DVD in the back, that’s my escape time, with kids in tow.

[Anzee]

I called CASA today to ask if they could give me a time frame for when I might be allocated a councillor. I was told 2.5 weeks ago it should be within two weeks and then today she told me she couldn’t be precise but she’d say 3- 4 weeks and I just started crying, with my psych changing our sessions to fortnightly too I just really wanted to give up on dealing with the trauma. She was really good and said she’d put a note on my file to say I was struggling and had a bit of a chat to get me back in an ok place so that was nice.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

I'm sorry about the extended wait at CASA, unfortunately all health systems of any worth are overloaded.

It does sound like you found a sympathetic person who took time with you, let's hope that note on your file helps

Croix

[Anzee]

So I have my first appointment with casa tomorrow. Now I’ve started with a new worry, I’m no longer feeling like I’m in crisis mode but I’m now questioning if any proper abuse actually happened. I have spent the last week desperately trying to remember any incident other than the last which was quite mild, my sister has also told me of a mild event which I don’t know if I would call abuse even though we ran off screaming, a friend asked me questions about games he played with us when she was staying/ living with us and I know I had quite a few charges against him in court but I still don’t remember ANYTHING!!! and I am just questioning it all and if I want to go through with casa in case there was nothing serious!! I am regretting bringing it up again and just wish I kept my feelings to myself.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

There is a great deal of pressure on you at the moment wiht the appointment coming up, and as a result you mind may forget or gloss over event in the past. I do that and only later remember accurately. You have said enough here that 1800RESECT says it is dv, you have said the kids regard you as the safe haven, that is enough for a start.

It may be a while before the full story returns, but it will work out. Just tell them of your difficulties in remembering, I'm sure they will have struck it more than once before and will probably tell you to write things down

Keeping your feelings to you self would not make the problems vanish -and it is an impossible ambition most times any-way.

Croix

[Anzee]

For the first time since I told my psych I was able to write a detailed email of everything I remember of the one incident and in our session I was able to answer questions she asked about what I had written which was a big thing but it also seemed to have taken me out of the very very dark place I was in last week so now that I am feeling partly functional again I’m like well maybe nothing else did happen, maybe I made it up, maybe I exaggerated it now I feel like all I have to say to casa is I don’t know if anything happened.

I have finally accepted that I have experienced DV with my partner after he said some pretty terrible things over the weekend and he has made a drs apt so we have progress there.