Unable to break Adoption ceiling
I'm over the age of 50 and discovered not quite 10yrs ago that I was Adopted.
Nobody 'gets' it. Nobody understands the rejection, the lies, the false sense of self, identity issues, etc etc.
I'm pretty disappointed and frustrated.
I know a bit about the subject , if anyone's interested.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I am sure there are a few people here on the forums who have been adopted.
I had a friend who only discovered he had been adopted when both of his parents died in a car accident and he was in his late 30s.
This is not my experience at all. Just wanted to let you know that I have read your post.
Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools
Hi K and Mrs Dools,
I found out about 10 yrs ago, that I was
Adopted. My Adoptive parents were post war, post Hungarian revolution immigrants.
They were professional people. I can’t believe, well, I find it hard to believe
that I was lied to for 40+ yrs.
Adopted persons fall into one of two
categories (usually). Either the adopted person ‘ acts out’ or they are ‘people
pleasers’. If they ‘act out’ they tend to rebel, do lots of risk taking behavior
– reflective I think of a lot of anger regarding their circumstance. If the
Adopted person is a people pleaser, they are quieter, amenable, and indecisive.
I think I am more the people pleaser type.
Yes, abandonment and fear of rejection is really at the core of Adoptive people. I remember feeling a lot of guilt too. In that, I had the feeling of not being 'good enough'. I don't really know why. Some theories about Adoption talk about it as a form of Survivor's Guilt. Where the baby/child was removed/taken/given away and the baby/child -not yet having the ability to comprehend the reasons behind the removal/taken/given away aspect is left with feelings of abandonment , rejection and guilt. Some theories talk about unresolved PTSD in babies. Quite a mix of negativity. So , for myself, if I look back I did have those feelings and childishly (and unconsciously maybe) thought that if I were more of a 'people pleaser', I would be happier. I don't think it worked. The reason I think it didn't work partially is all the lying and secrecy in my case.
I too am adopted so I can fully understand alot of your feelings. I was told at a very young age so I have always known but as I got older I thought alot more about it and read alot of adoption stories and theories on how the adopted person reacts to the process from a very young age.
I too am a people pleaser and have issues with rejection. Its tough for all parties, the mother that gave their child up and the child who was given up and the adoptive family who wonder if the bio mother will come back into the child's life throughout there life. I can only image how you would feel finding out at age 40.
have you ever thought of getting some counselling on the issue? Im not saying that will fix everything but it may help to talk about how you are feeling.
My biological mother searched for me when I was 21 and we met and I then looked for and met my biological father. It hasnt been easy, but I did find out why I was adopted, I found out my medical history and I found just a little bit of peace in Knowing that info. Have you ever thought of searching for your biological family?
If you would like to talk more and I can help in any way please dont hesitate to contact me again.
My Sister-in-law is adopted and I mentioned I was going to help a friend find a sister he suspected was adopted out at an early age.
My Sister-in-law explained to me so many aspects of being adopted that I think I have an understanding of how difficult and emotional it is for you.
It sounds like being lied to is one of the biggest issues along with the rejection.
So many of us are people pleasers for so many reasons. In my case, rejection has made me want to please people so I'm not rejected again (putting it simply). Rejection hurts and we are programmed to avoid being rejected so we can remain with a group for survival. This is all very unconscious and is the reason it hurts so much.
It's a natural survival mechanism for us humans. I've found that once I realised that I am pleasing people I was more aware and could be conscious of how much energy I was spending on pleasing and not leaving for myself.
I get the feeling from reading your post there are a lot of questions about why you feel like you feel. These are legitimate questions and it's obviously natural to want to know why so we understand. Some of the reasons can't be answered with why, sometimes it just is and a change of focus can bring the answer. That's why I explained above my rejection and people pleasing. I concentrate on shaping the behaviour gently so I save my energy for myself. Just doing that can bring about a shift that helps answer the why - or as I prefer to frame it "What is it that led me to feel..."
Stay well Marcsa and stay in touch, I'd love to hear more of your story. People pleasers are sensitive and have really good stories - I like that.