Trying to help him

[mermaidheart]

Hi everyone.

My Partner and I have been together 3 years now, he has suffered from mild depression/anxiety for around 6 years now and is medicated.

I dont know how to describe it but lately he has become extremely self centered. He if off in his own world so often than any outside influences just aren't considered.

He's not coping in social/crowd situations and becomes overwhelmed and frustrated quite quickly.

His memory is becoming worse, and lately he has been getting his left and rights mixed up. He'll also be so incredibly adament that an incident took place, relaying the story, explaining it in great detail etc and it turns out to be a completely false thing.

He says he needs help, that he doesn't feel like himself but refuses to do anything about it. He asks me to help and support him but never follows through with anything. I once scored him an appointment with a specialist mental health clinic that usually has a long wait list. There had been a last minute cancellation, he got incredibly angry and defensive and I ended up cancelling the appointment.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I keep sacrificing, I keep giving and giving while being hurt by Continuing patterns of behavior.

I'm almost Broken

[mermaidheart]

Bit of an Update.

So he was awake most of last night, thinking about his behavior, how it's been affecting me and so on.

He took the day off work, had a talk with me, he appologised, and said that something has to be done. He booked an appointment with his GP immediately, GP sent him for blood tests (which he did straight away) as well as A Head CT and wants to see him again this week.

GP thinks a lot of it can be anxiety related, but can't explain the memory issues or the scenarios he's thought has happened but never did.

I hope this is a turning point. I hope this will start to change soon. And I hope that I can be as supportive as he needs me to be while going through this process.

[Croix]

Dear Mermaid@heart~

That is pretty good news, both the actual medical bit but especially that he cares enough about you to take this action.

Sorting out what is a result of what will take time. I have suffered some memory loss in the past when I was very ill, and my partner says I have at times convinced myself something has happened, though it has been very minor things, like forgetting my keys.

Please don't forget to look after you. This is a really excellent step, but worry and pressure is still there

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi Mermaid@heart,

I'm with Croix, this is all excellent news. Croix has said just about everything I would have said!

All the best tot he two of you! Really hope your husband gets the help he needs and you as well.

Cheers from Dools

[mermaidheart]

Hello again everyone...

I'm back, and struggling again. He never truly followed through with the Doctors things, he did get his medication increased a few days ago and a referal to counseling but thats been it.

I can feel myself becoming so lost, I'm never happy and the thought of continuing to have things remain unchanged scares me. I don't want to live like this. I want to be happy and enjoy life.

I've tried so incredibly hard, given more than I should have. To just watch him continue to go in circles, I want someone who I can grow with, not someone who prevents me from doing that.

Any suggestion from me regarding Ending the relationship or even just some time apart is always met with great Defiance and Denial. I can beg and plead that I just need some time alone to look after myself but he wont have it. And then all the promises come out etc etc etc and the tears from him.

I don't know what to do! I of course still love him, I just don't know who he is anymore.

[Croix]

Dear Mermaid@heart~

I'm very sorry. You had hopes matters were going to improve and now you are back to square one - or worse.

Unfortunately some people get to the stage where they rely upon their partner almost like a parent, and do not take responsibility for themselves or their partner's welfare. I don't actually think this is confined to those with depression. From the sound of it this might be the situation here. Being overly fussy about juice is childish, as is promises with tears one day, and reneging the next - as is putting problems out of mind the next day.

I'm not sure a discussion about leaving is going to be successful, after all nothing has happened and maybe your partner hopes nothing will. I've no idea what you think might be the right thing to do, but if it is a trial separation I'd suggest just explain and do it, no discussion. Very hard but maybe the only way you will impress upon him the severity of the situation.

Whatever you decide please make yourself as least as important in the overall scheme of things as anyone else. You deserve a life with happiness, growth and hope

Croix

[mermaidheart]

Croix - thankyou again for your reply and advice it truly does help with everything whirling around in my head.

We both still have our own homes though in general he is here, so to even have time apart I need him to agree and leave.

I could feel myself plummeting and suggested even just a few nights alone, but he seems to think that will automatically lead to a break up.

I spent 40 Hours awake, I managed to get 2hrs sleep this morning and 1 hour in the afternoon. I feel like I'm having a complete emotional breakdown, Completely overwhelmed and having a constant anxiety attack.

I feel exhausted and my entire body is aching. Ive calmed explained how crappy I'm feeling and that I just need to rest and then he asks he to drive to the shops for him! I just don't get it. Am I really that unreasonable? Really that unimportant?

Ive tried explaining to him how dealing with all these issues long term has just depleted me, but he doesn't seem to care or take it seriously. He wakes up every morning with a clean slate like everything is perfect while I'm always trying to find a way to make things work, to help, to improve just anything.

He keeps pressuing me for sex, which right now I have NO interest in, I dont feel respected or loved. And then he gets upset thinking that I no longer love him or find him attractive because I won't do anything sexual.

[Doolhof]

Hi mermaid@heart,

It does sound like you are being suffocated and slowly consumed by what is happening around you.

It may be time to pack this guys bags so to speak and tell him he has to return to his own home for a while before you explode or implode.

If he won't move out, can you move into his place? Maybe he will follow you there and then you can leave him at his house and ask for some space.

There is nothing wrong with wanting times and space to regain your own well-being.

You have said you love him, that is special. Let him know you love him but you still need some space right now. Hopefully he will listen.

Wishing you all the best, cheers from Dools

[Croix]

Dear Mermaid@heart~

I think Mrs Dools is spot-on. You really do sound at the end of your tether and need to take action now, so that you at least get some respite and recover enough to have the perspective you need to make proper decisions.

Your partner is putting himself first, and ignoring your condition.

Is there anyway you can arrange to have some time-out by yourself? I think even if hard to set up the relief you felt without the constant pressure would be worth it - what do you tihnk?

Croix