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Trying to find a partner

Community Member


I'm going through a rough old time right now. I'm 41, single and really want to settle down, it's just so damned hard. I know I have it all together in other areas of my life, my career, family, friends etc, but dating.....boy, very tough. I turn to the dating coach/pickup community for help but sometimes I just feel freakin worse and they haven't helped but hindered. The dating apps are just useless, I also paid $20 to use RSVP and the girl I was talking to disappeared...wtf?....

I had a brief affair last year with a girl who'd just come out of a bad marriage, I was hoping that we would get together in the end, but no, she thinks we're incompatible.... so that hurt a bit

The other thing is that it's affecting my sleep patterns and I'm waking in the middle of the night every night in a terrified state that I'll never find anyone, it really is unpleasant, I have no idea why that is happening.

I'm doing everything I can to help myself, positive self-talk mantras, going to counselling next week, meditation, exercise ......I just get so upset sometimes.

On a lighter note , I posted on here in 2013 on the same topic and found myself in a relationship in 2014...so there is hope for me...

Just needed to share

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Tboy, welcome

It is hard. And then once you gind a date, it foesnt mean you'll be compatible and the risk is there of rushing into things.

I'd persevere with RSVP. Its inexpensive and you need to keep looking.

Best of luck


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hello Tboy, I understand what the relationship rollercoaster as an older person is like. I have days when I don't mind being on my own, and days when I feel deeply unloved and unwanted, which leads me to all sorts of unhelpful questions about my worth.

On balance though over the years, I find those panic moments happen less and less, and they have decreased at the same rate my sense of self worth has increased. How does one do that? For me I think it has been about building a balanced life, and not putting all my eggs in the basket of finding someone (one person) to share my life with. My daily life revolves around finding daily opportunities to feel good, to be fully engaged in things that interest me, to have things in my life that are meaningful (like posting here to help others), to set goals and accomplish things, and of course to have positive relationships of all kinds with a number of people.

Does this all stop me from being sad sometimes at being single? No, but my train doesn't stop there for long as I have so many other things going on in my life to keep occupied and happy.

You sound like you've been on this rollercoaster before and know your way through the ups and downs. The only other thing I would suggest is to not go looking for a relationship until you're ready to have it add to your life, rather than fill in something that's missing. Sometimes when you're doing this (and this has happened to me) you inadvertently attract people who are unsuitable, like your affair with the girl that had come out of a bad marriage. If you approach dating with a sense of desperation, then you can end up with desperate people and this is often a recipe for heartbreak.

Community Member

Thanks Jess

Although I wasn't feeling like I was old as such. I don't feel old or anything when I go to these bars and so on. But yes , by the same token, I guess I feel time ticking on

God, what a nightmare it feels like right now ....jeez

But thanks for your thoughts, appreciated.