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Trying not to let depression make decisions for me

Community Member

Hi! I just signed up today after a suggestion from my husband. This is my first post and I'm still not exactly sure how to use this space but I think it goes a little something this.
I have had some experience with depression in my life but it's never been a steady fixture. Anxiety on the other hand seems to always be around but fortunately it's been manageable.
My partner of nearly 10 years and I finally got married in October but about a month after this, shit hit the fans and we had our first ever serious fight. Since then things have been extremely tense and we have even had discussions of divorce. I think this is something that neither of us actually want but as my depression has fully set in and my anxiety is in overdrive I have been feeling progressively more trapped and am very much in flight mode. We discussed couples counselling but nothing came of that discussion and I'm finding it hard to find motivation.
Logic says that I will probably regret any big decisions I make because of depression so I haven't been making any decisions and I have been sitting in bed for 3 days now slipping further into this stupid funk. My husband is being supportive and lovely which to be honest only seems to make me feel worse for wanting to run away.
I think I need to kick this depression in the butt and I've been wanting to talk to my friends about it but I don't know how to begin and am very embarrassed about my mental health.
I know it's very common and I shouldn't feel embarrassed but I can't help it.

Advice and any coping techniques would be greatly appreciated...

11 Replies 11

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member


Congratulations for posting. You have made a positive first step. The second positive I see is a supportive husband. Rather than sit in your room sliding further into an abyss, would you consider going to the doctor with your husband and ask for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist who can support you both. From my understanding, the doctor can refer on the basis of developing a health care plan for you. It does not mean you are any lesser being. It is similar to developing a plan for a physical injury and you need a rehab plan.

Finally I am pleased you feel strongly that you want to "kiss this thing in the butt". Go for it girl...you have it deep within you to beat it.....keep moving forward......there are people on here and your doctor and your husband who will be right beside you supporting you in your recovery and journey forward.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Pseudonym, good to meet you.

Kudos to you for reaching out...not an easy thing to do.

It sounds like trouble in you relationship has triggered a stronger wave of depression. It has thrown you in a negative head space and is causing you much distress. But there are things you can do.

I agree with Quietall. There is no need to struggle alone. Mental conditions are medical conditions. They should be regarded and treated as such. The stigma attached to them is a load of crock. You are not a freak, 1 in 5 of us are/have been/ will be affected. The statistics do not take into account all those who suffer in silence. A sobering thought, isn't it ?

It is something happening to you, not caused by some flaw of personality or weakness of character. The mind depends on electro-chemical patterns in the brain and the brain is just another body part. So please do not hesitate to seek professional help...just as you would if you had diabetes or high blood pressure.

As for the future of your relationship, counseling may be the way to go. But you must both agree to participate. It is amazing what working with a mediator can do. The fact that your husband is supportive is a blessing. Depression does sap motivation but with help and support, things can and will get better. No need to let it slip down any further. The sooner a turn around is initiated, the easier it will be.

It seems your relationship deserves another chance. But your well being is the priority right now. You will face Life's challenges a lot better if you are feeling emotionally stable.

So please take good care of yourself. Your well being is important.

Here for you.

Starwolf and Quiettall, I can't thank you enough. It's nice knowing that there is a place I can go to talk about this and I'm hoping that by getting comfortable here I can take that confidence to start discussions with the important people close to home.
Thank you for your kind words and I think I can learn a little here about the way I think of mental conditions. I am very supportive of other people but when it comes to myself I clearly think of it as a weakness. I know this is going to need to change...
Thank you again

Hi there. What made you guys marry after 10 years? What was "the" argument about. Do you think your depression was a result of that? What else is going on in your life contributing to this? Do you have kids together??

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thank you for getting back to us.

You are right...changing your perspective about what it is you are up against is the first necessary step towards healing.

Weakness doesn't come into it, quite the opposite. Having a medical condition makes it more difficult for those affected to live a fulfilling life. They must rise over challenges unknown to other people. I'll go even further and say it is the stuff heroes are made of. Living 24/7 with depression or diabetes for example takes more guts than a single act of courage, a spur of the moment reaction.

The more you research mental illness, the better you will understand it is a matter of electro-chemical reactions in the brain. But because the mind depends on the brain, people ignorant of the condition associate it with personality and character.

A good start may be checking depression and anxiety in the Facts section, top left of this page.

Reaching out for professional help would give your husband an opportunity to go along to one of your appointments and learn more about the nature of your struggles. He could then support you more efficiently. Because it has nothing to do with logic and reason, mental illness cannot be explained in such terms...which makes it difficult to understand for sufferers and those around them alike.

Navigating the depression, anxiety and relationships sections of these forums will give you a wider outlook into those issues...and let you know that you are definitely not alone.

We're all different, so it is very much a personal journey. But having caring, understanding companions with us can make a huge difference.

Kindest thoughts.

Hey Apollo Black,
Out of respect I won't go into any details about the argument but I can answer most of the other things in one go. When we were about half way through our relationship we suffered the great loss of one of our close friends in tragic circumstances. This contributed to both of us experiencing a full on depression for the first time and we have both been on and off ever since. Due to this fact, it took us a while to get our stuff together and I would say that probably has a lot to do with our 4 year engagement (10 years of dating in total) and neither of us are ready for kids.
It's hard to not let that sort of thing change you and sometimes rule your life.
We both went to counselling for this and have since come to terms with this loss, as you can imagine, it has added some pressure to our relationship over the years but also bonded us in some way.
Hope that makes sense...

Hi pseudo. Thanks for taking the time to reply. What a horrible thing to have happened with your mutual friend. I'm really sorry. Its impact on you both cannot be underestimated. I wouldn't be surprised if echoes surrounding their death isn't being felt in some way, and in fact that even with the joy of a wedding - it brought things back to the surface somewhat, whether it is subconscious or not...

I reckon you guys need to go easy on yourselves for a bit. If relationship counselling is a bit "errr" right now, what about something for yourself? Just to get things into perspective, get things out there, weed out the underlying stuff that's keeping you stuck right now. I mean coming here is great, but to be honest your going to hold back because your husband's probably reading this. Which is cool, you shouldn't hide anything from each other, but this here doesn't substitute professional help if your struggling to get motivated. And you're going to hold back when questioned about why you're feeling trapped and what triggers your anxiety. Personally I can't see a problem opening up to friends, but if you feel uncomfortable about it, book in with your GP and have a chat. Try and keep the comms open with your husband. He'll be worried about you. I hope he's a good listener and doesn't try to fix you 🙂 That's your job.

Hi Apollo, you're right, all of that past stress has definitely played a part in recent events as it has with most things since the initial shock happened. Not in an obvious way but it definitely impacts the way we react to situations and the depression and anxiety are much easier to trigger now.
As you so correctly guessed, couples counselling does feel very 'errr' right now but I think a positive beginning step would be 1 on 1 (even if that also feels kinds egh too). I did go once just before Christmas but I guess I need a kick up the butt to start a more regular thing, it would be good to get past the initial awkwardness that I feel.

Anyway, a huge thank you guys, it feels nice to talk about all this.
I really appreciate the help

hi Pseudonym, great for you to join us and welcome to the site, but couples argue, married couples argue and just because you had an argument shouldn't naturally mean that you get a divorce, there will be plenty more disagreements but making up is the best part.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your close friend and realise this could well and truly cause the two of you to feel horrible so it's going to take a great deal of time to accept the fact that he is no longer with you, and understand why this situation unfortunately happened, but deep down there is love between the two of you, it's only been pushed aside.
If you feel as though single counseling would benefit you then it would be a good idea.
Walk away from eachother when you have an disagreement because at that point of time no one is going to win, just yell at eachother. Geoff. x