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Troubling relationship with Mother-in-law!

Helsbels
Community Member

Hello, I am in desperate need of advice. My MIL is offended by everything we say and do and makes her upset known by sulking and other unpleasant behaviours - irrespective of the occasion. Her behaviour has destroyed so many special occasions (Xmas, bdays etc) and the build up to any interaction is anxiety-inducing "What's she going to be like today", "what's going to offend her next" etc.

We had such an awful Xmas that we avoided her for a while to calm down and focus on our own lives/little family/marriage. Since Xmas, my marriage has been so strained.

MIL's been emotionally manipulating my husband his whole life and he's on meds and having counselling to help him rise above the guilt she makes him feel when she doesn't get her way. I've been doing my best to encourage him to be confident that her behaviour is not his fault, she will find anything to be upset about no matter how hard we try to please her.

We finally saw her to talk through things. Disaster! She went immediately to the defence (which is natural) and sprouted insults. I told her I'm not comfortable being myself around her because of how offended she gets. In response, she fair dinkum brought up an occasion where she gifted my husband a t-shirt (for which he thanked her) and then she asked me what I thought, to which I replied, "I'd love him if he was wearing a sack" I was cuddling him and smiling at the time.

So much offence was taken, apparently, that the slight was remembered in detail years later. I told her she just proved my point, that I can't be myself and occasions are a stress for us because of how uptight and on our best behaviour we must be lest we offend (We're not like this for anyone else).

Meanwhile, she says some of the most offensive things (eg negative comments about my husband's weight) that really irk me, but I choke that down like a big girl because I don't wish to be combative, rude or disrespectful.

I'm really starting to get stuck between: a) wanting to handle her the same way I'd handle any old Joe Blo who carried on so childishly - which would not be pretty, I can assure you; & b) forging ahead despite the lack of success we've had recently (and in the past) to attempt a more healthy relationship.

What would you do if you wanted a better relationship, but the other person is incapable of rising to the occasion? Or if you had an adult family member carry on like a child at special occasions? My husband and I are on the same page and at the same loss.


13 Replies 13

Hello Mary, thank you! Yes, I have my own 'cut off' point, and I feel it has been surpassed. It is a point my husband has not reached yet. It was very difficult to be so encroached upon, but vulnerable to it continuously at the mercy of my husband's actions - which were very few and mostly ineffective. I had feelings of wanting to leave him just to get myself away from all of the continued stress. I have not spoken to my father in 3+ years and I don't miss a day. I harbour no ill will towards him. He was no positive influence on my life (ever). My brothers keep in touch because 'he's their dad', but I learned it matters not who you are in the scheme of family dynamic, but who you are as a person. I have had some issues with my mum recently, but I sorted through those and adjusted accordingly.

Easily done when the decision was mine. But this is my husband's mum. She effects us both and my husband is finally facing that now. He's made strides, but they're not entirely in line with my own methods of dealing with this kind of thing. I value my husband and his opinions/decisions, but it's been very difficult to follow his rationale. We tried to talk to her but I feel like we were off point, talking about different things and we did not appropriately identify the behaviours, how they make us feel and what we're prepared to do if it happens again. And, perhaps, it's likely due to lack of a proper game-plan on our part coming in. We're on the same page, but I can tell my husband still errs towards avoidance in an effort not to hurt her by being 'blunt', and so a lot of what could have been said wasn't in an effort to not hurt her feelings. And certainly, her immediate response was to presume we were conducting a MIL bashing session, rather than a serious discussion in a bid to air and resolve a dispute.

I'm fearful of snapping and forcing everybody's hands, at the risk of disrespecting my husband - whom I respect and love dearly. If I cut her from my life, I would not be cutting her from my husband's or my children's lives and I am positive this will bother me. I am still at a loss. I am so capable of coming up with a solution, but thus far, none that I've come up with will wholly please me, or my husband. I cannot see how to please everybody without compromising my own common sense and mental health.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Helsbels~

>I cannot see how to please everybody

To be blunt with you -it's not possible. The more you bend the more you become one of the 'not pleased' people yourself. and you are as important as the others. You have to be comfortable in a partnership -yes a partnership.

I doubt very much your MIL would take anything other than complete praise, obedience and agreement as her due, any less being seen as you say as MIL bashing. I do not think, from what you have related, she is capable of anything else.

Your partner cannot please her and you, he has to choose in an unambiguous manner so you feel like his primary concern -always. Efforts to try to please both are self-defeating and I suspect will in time lower your esteem for him too. I disagree with you when you say It is difficult to follow his rational - it is don't make waves.

I'm sorry to be so forthright, and may appear to be viewing thngs in black and white, however I have been though all this myself as the husband, and only choosing sides worked -and worked well, it bought my wife and I closer and made me grow up.

Croix

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Helsbels

Sounds like you've made incredible efforts to support your MIL, in giving her the information required to help her form the best possible relationship with you and your husband. I definitely understand how the questioning angle I suggested would become mentally taxing so I'll put forward a completely different possible course of action worth considering.

There is a great book called 'The Six Pillars of Self-esteem' by Nathaniel Branden (fantastic writer). The 6 pillars: Living consciously, self-assertiveness, self-responsibility, self-acceptance, living purposefully and personal integrity. From what you write, you have shown an admirable degree of consciousness regarding your situation and you've asserted yourself in order to convey your feelings (whilst considering hers). You've taken responsibility for everyone's emotions (including your own) whilst being purposeful in your pursuit of bettering relationships. You are definitely someone of great integrity. I believe there is just one thing missing from the list: Whilst you have accepted yourself as someone who deserves better, have you fully accepted yourself as someone who is entitled to not be around this behaviour? I suppose this is where self-respect comes in. You have respected the feelings of everyone around you. I emphasise everyone around you.

What do you believe things would look like if you cut ties with your MIL? I understand there would be times, like with family gatherings, where you'd be in the same environment with her but you wouldn't have to interact with her, other than to say a hello or stand up for your kids if need be. Yes, this would be challenging for sure but if there's one mantra that has made some difference to me, regarding other people's behaviour, it's 'I don't need to take responsibility for them'. I recall when my parents first split; family gatherings held a pretty dense sort of vibe when they were in the same room. I initially felt responsible for changing the vibe until this mantra popped into my head. BTW, they get along well nowadays, having taken responsibility for their own feelings and behaviour over time.

Sounds like your choice is to either continue being one of her enablers or not. If anyone leads you to feel guilt in regard to cutting ties, run with it. Guilt is nothing more than a call to greater consciousness, asking us to answer the question 'Who do I want to be, from this moment onward?' Always choose the path of evolution.

Take care

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Helsbels

Meant to ask how it would bother you if you cut her from your life whilst she still continued to see your husband and kids. You don't have to answer. I suppose, if I was in this situation, I'd be feeling like if I'm not there then I'd have no control/management over how things play out. I'm a mum myself and I suppose this is the 'protector' in me.

If you do decide to cut ties with your MIL, I suggest you lay down one rule for your husband. Rule #1: If she bags you out in front of your kids or demeans/manipulates them in any way, he is to stop taking them to see her. He is to take full responsibility for them and their mental well-being whilst they are there. This rule allows you to manage from afar.