Trouble with Parents and Anxiety
Hi! 1st time poster. Ive been diagnosed with Anxiety 3 months ago after having a major anxiety attack that caused my brain to just turn off. After seeking proffessional help and counseling i am in a much better place now. One major thing that has contributed to all this is my parents, they have such a negative,hostile relationship that has impacted me alot. Whenever we would be together as a family my father just finds anything to argue about and is negative about everyone and everything. My mum and dad fight alot and are really spiteful to each other infront of others. As a child my parents never showed affection towards one another and never really taught us that it was ok to disagree with things and talk about problems. My family always tries to play happy families. So i have grown up and held onto so many emotions. My father has always put pressure on me and blamed me for my sisters wrongdoings. After discovering why i had this major anxiety attack and started treatment i learned that these behaviours of my parents are not ok and that i don't want this negativity in my life as it is doing me harm. I wrote a letter to my parents to explain what happened and why and how certain things that they do has contributed to my anxiety. I did this in a way that was constructive and explaining that if they dont do these things and try to have a more positive outlook then we can all enjoy nice times together. We havent spoken in almost 3 months and i messaged my mother to explain the purpose of my letter and that it would be nice to have a positve happy relationship in the future. The response i got was that she is really hurt and hopefully time will heal. I feel that she has turned all this around onto her and trying to make me feel guilty about how she is feeling. This makes me really hurt that all of this happened because of the way they are and their constant negativity and unwillingness to talk about issues and instead be nasty and bitter, then expect to play happy families. i told her i am not angry at them for anything just want to make positive relationships for the future. I want to respond to her but how do i do this? I was intendong on saying something along the lines of ...its not nice that you feel hurt. I have had alot to deal with myself including sadness, fear, anxiety and the inability to do things for myself. However i am trying to reconnect so we can have nice times when we do see each other. I do not how to say this. Sorry if this is jumbled.
Hi CMH, welcome
Well I've been down the same track with family and friends most of my life of 63 years. I can say I'm well experienced in issues to deal with mental well being where it means considering what others have done to me.
Then in 2011 my sister, in desperation, cut our mother out of our lives. There was no choice as she was erratic, was in denial with her own mental health issues and threatened to ruin my wedding. She ruined the first with her explosive attitude.
So cutting others out is not recommended unless it is a last resort, thankfully you are not there and hope you never will be.
Trying to explain your anxiety and other issues as partially blaming your toxic home life and parent infighting wont go down well and I don't think I would have gone about it that way. From experience I've found that the toxicity between other people, in the case your parents, wont change as it is their both personalities (and possible mental health issues hidden) that cause it. It just wont go away. So what is there to achieve? However, now that it's done, you've informed them, you can patch it up now quite easily...a bunch of flowers (pick some free ones if you have to) and your mum will be fine. Then, take the mature road and tackle your mental health issues head on alone and with the support of people on this forum or a friend or two with empathy.
Beyonblue topic they just wont understand- why?
Just read the first post on that thread it will explain a lot about why others don't have empathy on an illness they cannot see. Not understanding doesn't mean they don't love you so this topic is quite complex. It is easy for us with MI to end up alone like hermits if we don't reach out to others in terms of putting their naivety aside and looking at their good points.
Finally- keep your distance from your parents home. Space out your visits and develop your own life. This is to limit your presence and the toxic chemistry that abounds there. Love them then leave. I'm sure if they both could restrict their arguing they would also be happy.
Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it
I hope that helps.