Trapped and isolated from my family
My wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for ten, and we have two beautiful children of 4 and 6. We have been having a tough time lately, as my son had a heart condition, but he seems to be better, and my wife has arthritis.
We have been living in New Zealand, where we don't have family support, but my wife is more social than I am. We recently decided together to move to Australia, where I have a large family, although my wife has never lived here. We had a big fight about her going out a week before I left, but it seemed to settle, and she seemed happy, but a week after I left she dropped the bombshell that she doesn't think she wants to move, and she wants to break up.
She has asked me for space, but I have realised that u have some major anxiety issues stemming from my childhood, around abandonment. I'm finding it really hard to give her the space she wants, as if there is any chance of reconciliation, I have to hold onto that.
I've started seeing seone to help with my anxiety issues, and I am accepting and dealing with the emotional harm I have been causing my wife. I'm gutted that I couldn't see it before.
I just don't know what to do. Leave a well paying job in Oz and go back to NZ where I have no support? I don't think I can face not having my kids in my life. My wife says she no longer feels safe in our marriage, but I really don't think how this has happened has been at all fair. I feel trapped in Oz and isolated from my family.
This is a topic very close to my heart and I feel for you. I understand a lot of what you've described from the anxiety and abandonment perspective. It's really difficult to accept something that has hurt so badly in the past, the helpful part is that you are very aware of the link between these feelings, that's a huge step in gaining some control.
From what you've said the break up isn't set in stone yet, however I think there is some information that will be helpful and assist with explaining some of the difficult emotions that will probably be amplified by your childhood.
From the menus at the top "The Facts" Then "Grief and Loss". As I mentioned I'm not saying that the relationship is over, I don't know that, however the information in the section I described helps to explain the emotions when there is a change
I'm really pleased to hear you are talking to someone professionally - that's always a big help.
Another consideration here is your kids, have you any plans on what you would do to see the kids if things don't turn out?
Take care Frink, Call the beyond blue hotline at anytime if you need to and please drop by again and let us know your thoughts.
PS my similarity here is that my father left when I was 4. That's had an impact all through my life with depression and anxiety and abandonment.
Hi Frink. You're in a bit of a 'catch 22' position here. Stay here in Oz and pray your wife re-joins, you, or return to N.Z where your wife obviously feels settled. From what you say, I gather she is a New Zealander. Does your wife have family in New Zealand. Has your wife flown before, ever left N.Z before? My ex and I left N.Z in 1988, to come here. I had never been out of N.Z, only flown once before, years earlier, so to put it bluntly, I was scared to death about the 'unknown'. It might be an idea (if possible) for you to consider flying back to N.Z and discussing with her if she is scared of flying, plus relocating to a 'strange' country. Also the fact that, for her, she is leaving home, going to people she doesn't really know. What I also think might help, ask her to give it say six months to see how she adapts. If after six months she still feels the same, you may have to look at other options. Is she living in your home in N.Z. Perhaps consider renting the house, out with an option to selling it if everything works out. I was also all 'gung ho' about relocating here, till the 'crunch came'. It can be pretty scary relocating across the ocean.
Thanks for your thoughts, Lynda. My wife is from the UK and has no family in NZ, but she is a very social person and has lots of friends, something I have not worked enough at propagating in NZ. She assures me that fear of relocating isn't the issue, but I worry that she is not being realistic. She has resigned her job, we have already sold our house and were about to ship everything to Australia when she had a 'realisation'.
I have just returned to NZ for two weeks of school holidays, and she has agreed to see our guidance counsellor, which I feel she really needs. She also has some "friends" showing concern about her being in an abusive relationship, after a big argument we had a week before I left. I behaved badly, and I accept that I hurt her emotionally and I am taking ownership for that. I am trying to get a grip on my anxiety, and just hoping that now I am here she will consider giving us another chance.
I am feeling in a much better frame of mind after spending the day today with her and the kids, but I am staying elsewhere for the time being and she needs to feel safe and in control. I can only hope that we can work through this and become stronger because of it.
Hi Frink. Please excuse my misunderstanding your post. I sincerely hope you and your wife manage to sort your problems out and everything works out. With you being willing to accept responsibility for your actions, that must speak volumes. I wish you every happiness.