Toxic brother in- law

Evelyn25 · ‎13-08-2020

Hi! I am new to the forum. I am not sure if there is already topic with the same title. Anyway, I found this forum a couple months ago but now I decided to express my feelings. As I wrote in the title I consider my brother in law to be a toxic person. I have been living with in-laws for a year and they are really great people except my brother in-law. From the very first time I met him I felt he is different, there was something that didn't feel right. However I was tolerating him for a year. He is 30, he does not work, he appears to be an adult kid ( spoiled by parents), lazy, sleeping all day and completely doing nothing productive. However his life is his decision, but somehow his behaviour influenced my life and my relationship with my husband. He often argues with his family and accuses everybody for anything, he never admits his fault and never takes responsibility. A few months ago he argued about stupid things, he offended me in front of my husband and my parents in-law. Since then I don't feel very comfortable being around him. I started having counselling sessions and I forgave and tried to build that relationship because of mu husband and my in-laws. But a month ago he attacked me verbally, playing victim and started insulting me again for stupid things. Even though I tried talking and explaining some things to him, he was yelling and when he figured out he had no arguments he called me lots of offending words and left. My husband and I were not talking to him for 3 weeks and we moved out just to have peace. The reality is that my husband started talking to him again and I feel like I hate him, and I have never felt that for anyone before. When we have to go to visit the in-laws I have that feeling of anxiety, uneasy stomach, feeling sick and my heart is racing and I feel tension. I can't explain my husband how I feel, I try but he doesn't really understand. And I really don't know if this post is going to ease my situation, but I had to express how I felt. I don't really want to have any contact with him since it makes me feel very uncomfortable and anxious.

white knight · ‎13-08-2020

Hi, welcome

Am I correct that you and your husband still live with your in laws? If so why haven’t you both moved out?

You are not under any obligation to have a relationship with your BIL.- you married your husband, not his family.

TonyWK

Mmali · ‎13-08-2020

Hi Evelyn

Sorry to hear that. I think it was a good move to move out of house so that you don't need to face your BIL everyday. Im not an expert in this as I have been through similar situations where I felt anxious and out of my comfort zone but had to go to visit some families because I feared my husband would get angry. Now I realise that I have the power to choose even though my husband doesn't like my decision. We can't make everyone happy and why should we. Its not our responsibility. First and foremost we have to take care of ourself then we can take care of others.

I hope I have helped in some way. Be strong and you will get through this.

Regards

Mm

Evelyn25 · ‎14-08-2020

Hi,

Thanks for replying. We moved out recently. I know how to set my boundaries, I have great understanding since he has some issues, which he uses to play victim and to complain and does absolutely nothing to change his life, but I also have a self-respect and boundaries. However the issue is that we still have to visit in-laws, which I don't mind as long as I don't have a contact with the brother in-law. But he lives with them so the contact is inevitable. My husband is not that decisive and he still doesn't know how to set his boundaries, he is confused and doesn't know how to behave with his older brother and that's why he's been manipulated by him for years. Hopefully things get better in future. Anyway, I really appreciate your advice.

Regards,

Evelyn

Evelyn25 · ‎14-08-2020

Hi Mmali,

Thanks for replying. Sorry to hear about your situation, but glad you figured it out. Before I met my partner, I lived happy life and was completely focused on my energy and my well-being, I was avoiding toxic people and almost never worried about anything. I knew everything would work out and it did somehow. Now I feel like I married the whole family and I can't make decisions for myself without consulting with my husband. That's how my life changed a lot, a lot of stress and anxiety, since I moved here from another country, having no one close and at the same time dealing with toxic and childish person, then starting counselling sessions. That's a lot for a year. I guess I have to start changing that. Thank you so much for the support and your advice. It means a lot to me.

Regards,

Evelyn

white knight · ‎14-08-2020

Thanks for replying.

My personal view is that you are under no obligation to visit in laws. If your parents in law wish to see you they can visit you at your place.

Good to know you have good boundaries

TonyWK

Mmali · ‎15-08-2020

Hi Evelyn

I was thinking of the same thing that TonyWK said. Your inlaws can visit you sometimes instead of you going to their place. That will at least reduce some of your anxiety and stress going there. But having said that I am not sure how your husband will react to this idea. I can understand if he doesn't like the idea coz my husband keeps a check on how many times i go and see my inlaws who basically live in next street (2 mins walk). He makes a big deal if i don't visit them once a week but recently I have started to go against his idea. Now I go when I feel like going and when i have time. I also have a BIL and we only say hi and bye and nothing in between due to something he said in past. He does visit us and still has good relationship with my husband and I have no problem with that as long as he doesn't interfere in my life. It has made life so easy for me. Anyways hope you find a solution for your situation. Take care