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Torn apart at the core

Community Member
My partner of 10 years has left me for another man.
3 Replies 3

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor


That sounds absolutely devastating and heartbreaking to me. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling though...

Would you like to tell us a little more about what has been going on?

But only if you feel comfortable of course. You don’t need to share any more than you want to, but just know there’s care and support here...

Kindness and warmth,


This time last year, we were into our 9th year together. Things were not great at home, and I was under the influence of prescription drugs, heavily fatigued from working long hours, and also suffered from depression.
I was shown some interest by a girl that I was associated with through work, and we had an affair. The affair lasted roughly a month. My partner questioned things and knew something wasn’t right. I confessed, and she chose to stand by me, as we have a family with young children, and in her words, “this family is much more important than letting this divide it." She asked for 110% commitment. I made that commitment, and up until Sunday 2 weeks ago, we were amazing together. Our relationship over the past year has never been better. She arrived home from a weekend working away as she runs her own business. Jumped on me in the drive way and was so happy to see me....then the next day, things changed.On Monday night, the day after she arrived home she came out to the lounge room demanding my phone and asking who I was chatting to. I happily gave her my phone, and she found no secretive actions that would suggest I’m lying. The next day, again, to the point of her going through my phone, finding nothing and claiming my phone is way too clean.The next day was different. She told me she’s questioning our future and thinks she can’t get past my indiscretions of a year ago.By Saturday, she went out of her way to start an argument, so she had ammunition in order to ask me to leave. I honored her request, packed a bag, and left. We are now two weeks on. She was speaking more and more about a friend she met only recently, to the point of even calling me by his name in conversation. He is in a relationship. When my partner visited their town for work she would see them regularly as they became clients. It got to a point that they invited her to stay with them instead of paying for accommodation which she accepted. He started making things for her, as we live on a rural property. Things that she wanted in order to set up the property as an agistment centre. That was when I started to question if something was happening between them. ” We are just friends" she made that comment several times while laughing it off. I have since been contacted by his partner and told me they have separated on the Monday.....the same day she demanded my phone. Looking back, it seems she was looking for a way to exit by blaming me. She had suspected something for around 2 months she informed me.Two days ago, she told me she has an emotional connection with him and wants to explore a relationship with him. She has invited him down from his town four hours away for the weekend, introduced him to my children, but still states she does not want the children to know what is going on. She tells the children I’m at work. I’ve been speaking to a therapist, who tells me this is driven purely by a need to make me feel how I made her feel this time last year, and that once she gets it out of her system, she will come back. I've been reading up on emotional affairs and mid life crisis affairs, and there is too much of what has happened pointing towards both for it to be anything else. This has separated my family, and she has stated right now she isn't thinking about anything but her own happiness. she said she feels guilty for it as she's not thinking about the consequences to us or the family and kids, but she needs time to process this and figure out what is going on with her. She has also stated that she may very well be going through a mid life crisis and may wake up in 3 weeks and ask herself what the hell am I doing? I know I deserve it, I know it's happening and I can't do a thing about it. This woman is my world. Her family values are concrete. She does not believe in broken homes and told me the other day that her belief in that is still 150% and wants the family together.


I’m so sorry about the late reply from me. So much is happening...I can’t even imagine the thoughts and emotions running through your mind.

I would think you’re feeling lost, shaken and hurt. I know she means the world to you.

But her behaviour seems so confusing/contradictory at the moment e.g. she has strong views about keeping the family unit together, but at the same time, she is making plans to leave...

Perhaps your psychologist is onto something about how maybe, though I can’t be certain, if part of it is about making you feel as she once did. That maybe she was hurt before that she wants you to get a taste of/feel for that same “hurt”...

Nevertheless, I still find her recent behaviour/decisions confusing. I get this impression that even she isn’t 100% sure what she wants...

I wonder if you would maybe consider couples counselling? I wonder what your thoughts are on that..

Kindness and care,