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Tired of being strong for everyone

Community Member

Well,what a year!My husband of 32yrs came out to me whilst in psychiatric care-it was dramatic to say the least, of the circumstances that led me to have him scheduled for safety.

We were adjusting and decided to separate.We still live in the same house for financial reasons.

I was starting to move on but this week have found out he has lung cancer.I have just started employment after 18yrs .My employers have been fantastic and have allowed me to take leave to support him.I have been assured my job is safe.

I already see a psychologist. But my anxiety has increased and I feel I'm trying to be everything to everyone.

We have yet to tell our adult daughters of this new development. I need support,but don't want to impose.

My best friend is o/s on a trip of a lifetime, so I can't contact her.I don't know if she would understand my decision to stay and support my husband.

How do I keep it all together?I still love him,but feel there is more pain ahead.

I'm good at giving advice and am a good listener. I just don't know how to be proactive for myself.

Any advice or anecdotes greatly received. I am over seeking Drs advice-be strong,suck it up etc.

There's more to this story but I suppose I just needed to vent.I want to be able to deal with things as an adult(56),but I am spent.

If anyone can help,thanks

Ruby 2

9 Replies 9

Community Member

Hi Ruby,

I haven't been in your situation but wanted to let you know I read your story and feel for you.

It's totally understandable that you would want to support your husband through cancer, you spent 32 years together. Just because you are separated doesn't mean the feelings of love and loyalty go away entirely.

I'm not sure what stage your husband's cancer is at, but it seems to me your daughters will need to be told sooner rather than later. They may rather you do ask for their help rather than struggle on alone. He is their dad after all, and you are their mum someone they wouldn't want to see in pain or distress. I hope you reach out to them. I'm sure sharing the burden, even just by talking, will help a lot.

You might also be surprised at your friend if she really is a good friend she will understand your decision. I understand you not wanting to contact her while she's away though. Maybe you could have coffee when she gets back?

Anyway just wanted to let you know you're not alone, relationship struggles are hard and can make you feel lonely. But there are other people who want to help you just need to reach out for them, like you've done by posting here.



Dear Good Witch,

Thanks for reading. We know we need the support of our children ,however my husband doesn't want to tell them this week (Fathers Day).

He has an appointment next week with radiation oncology and will have more info to pass on,so we will tell them after that so we are better placed to answer their questions.

I think my bestie has ESP!She called me late last night and offered some great support suggestions.She does understand,just very protective of me,which is nice.Funny how perspective can change just by reaching out.

I am going back to work for the distraction and I can have days off to attend treatment with my husband.

Thanks for listening. I am learning that it isn't so much the situation, but how you deal with it.

Take care

Ruby 2

Dear Good Witch,

I found your thread and would like to offer support in your struggles as you have in mine.

After talking to my bestie who I trust,she suggested a book called The subtle art of not giving a f@#$.Excuse the language,but it does offer a more relatable perspective on how to deal with what life throws at us.

It is available on Kindle for $12.99.Worth a look if only to give an insight to what you are experiencing and how to cope.Have hope,courage and determination to live the best life for you.

I realise the difficulties you face.And I am here if you just need to vent or bounce ideas around.There is no right way, but the one that keeps you intact.

I hope I make some sense to you. You have helped me,I would like you to know I would like to help you.

Best thoughts to you

Ruby 2

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Ruby, I'm so sorry to hear this but your daughters must be talking amongst themselves because unfortunately, your husband could be showing signs that something isn't right, especially as he has to go to the radiation oncology.

You can't physically or mentally do everything for everyone, there's too much for you to handle by yourself and because you are already seeing a psychologist means you need the support from your daughters until your best friend returns home.

Isn't it amazing some people do have ESP which means your friend will now be in contact regularly while she is away and may even cut short her trip?

Is it possible for you to tell your daughters or have they been asking questions?

Best wishes.


Community Member

Hi Geoff,

Our daughters know their Dad has had a few mental and physical health issues of late.

They no longer live at home and distance makes it hard to get them over together.We do text a lot,but I think discussing this needs to be face to face.

They have been a great support in the past.We are going out together on Father's Day,but my husband doesn't want to tell them on that day.So we will arrange a family dinner for the following weekend.

Sometimes a week goes by so quickly and at other times it drags!

Thanks for

Community Member

Hi again!

I pressed post by mistake.I wanted to say thanks for reading and your advice.

Take care

Ruby 2

Thanks Ruby, that's very sweet of you :). A friend of mine is reading that book right now and she said I can borrow it when she's done. I've heard a lot of talk about it.

I'm so glad your friend understands and is a support to you. She sounds like a good egg and it's great to have people like that in your life. Cherish her.

I understand about father's day and wanting to wait. Makes sense. I have decided I need to sit down and be much more to the point and frank with my husband but yeah, not right before father's day!

Thank you



Posted, but seems to be 'lost 'lol

Just wanted to thank everyone for support xx

Told kids-fantastic response from them .Hope everyone is travelling well atm

Just wanted to touch base and let you know your support and advice has been vary appreciated.

Take care,

Ruby 2 xx

Good on you Ruby 2. Forward is still forward. Sending best wishes. Lumpy