Timshel

[Timshel]

Hello out there,

It’s 4am and once again I am really struggling to sleep which means I will now be wrecked tomorrow and will probably end up sleeping half the day away.

I have many problems in my life at the moment. Serious relationship issues in a 28 year marriage, parenting issues with my 15 year old son, a long history with anxiety, anxiety disorder and depression which has only been exasperated by the above mentioned family issues. I am not coping, just getting by (barely). I have no family out here in Oz and no close friends out here any more who I feel I can open up to. I have become increasingly isolated and alone and lonely even though I am in a ‘marriage of sorts’ and have a son. The in-laws aren’t close so I don’t see much of them. I have occasional professional help and have contacted Lifeline in types of great distress. But they can only talk for certain periods of time and I have to retell my story each time, a story which keeps evolving and changing all the time as more and more problems arise. I am so tired physically and emotionally and have been for so many years now. Mental Health issues are enough to cope with alone but all the family issues and lack of support on top of that have broken me completely. No relief in sight.......can anyone relate?

[Timshel]

Thank you Jsua. I hear you. Self-compassion is hard for me. But I do try. I do keep looking for ways to improve my life. I don’t think that I have projected a lot of my issues onto my husband, only the relationship ones, which is perfectly normal. In any serious relationship, what you do will always have consequences for your partner, good or bad. I also think having control over your own life can be a subjective concept. Not everyone has the same amount of control e.g having an illness can make you more vulnerable, fearful and even financially dependent. Plus not everyone has a support network to help them deal with life’s challenges. Nor are we all born with the same natural resilience or strength. We can give ourselves too much credit for being ‘strong or resilient’. But it is really just another character trait we are all born with to varying degrees, just like stubbornness or selfishness. It is not a ‘one size fits all’ ‘level playing field’ type of world. Some people find life harder than others. We need to recognise that and be more empathetic.

I would have described myself as being a reasonably confident, secure and financially independent woman before I was diagnosed with a mental illness. Someone who had the ability to control her own life. But all that changed once I became ill and, whether I liked it or not, I had to accept my ‘new normal’. In some ways I discovered I was ‘stronger’ whilst in other ways I became more dependent, less confident in my own abilities. Plus, mental illness is viewed differently to physical illness. Recovery is expected, even for those with an underlying neurological or hormonal condition or chemical imbalance. You just have to do the work. This is not the same with physical illness. E.g. people who develop Parkinson’s or even succumb to cancer, are not held accountable for their own fate. Their illnesses are given more ‘respect’. Someone who doesn’t recover is not made to feel like they haven’t worked hard enough or thought positively enough to get better. But those of us with a mental illness can be made to feel like we have ‘failed’ in some way if we don’t improve. So sometimes we ‘pretend’ to be better than we are just to protect ourselves from that judgement. Put on a ‘positive’ face. That’s me. No one likes a negative person. But with mental illness negativity is not a choice, it is part of the illness. I long for the day when mental illness is ‘rebranded’ and ‘respected’ in the same way as any other illness.

[SH-2600]

Hi Timshel,

I was looking through this forum in order to see how others are managing in similar circumstances to myself and I saw your thread. I will come back tomorrow with more, but just reading your very last post I felt I wanted to tell you something that my last psychologist said to me. He told me that my ptsd would never be cured. It prompted the biggest sense of relief and a huge release of pressure. With those simple words I felt validated and understood, finally! Until that point, I felt like I was failing because “my issues” were never fixed. I was never fixed. He helped me to understand that I had a chronic illness, and that with continued management and maintenance its effects would be reduced and that I could be ok. I had spent so many years of my life feeling pressure, from myself included, to get fixed. As you know, putting up the positive front to cover for not being fixed yet, and maintaining a pretence is just exhausting.

You are so tough and I have a lot of admiration for the way you manage and care. I will come back tomorrow and talk more.

SH

[SH-2600]

Hi Timshel,

I have read your posts in this thread a number of times. It is a hard a road you are on. I hope that the process of reaching out in this forum has helped you to feel less isolated, less alone. I certainly relate to a lot of what you are going through, and your responses to my own thread have certainly helped me. I think that feeling overwhelmed and broken is an absolutely normal and reasonable response to the circumstances in which you find yourself. Of course you are neither of those things. You are strong and determined and capable, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to feel like things are hard.

Your post describing your experience of Canberra really made me think about the importance of place. I think we all feel that our well being is closely associated with connection to other people, but I don’t think we put enough value on the importance of our connection to place. You have lived in a place for 28 years without feeling connected. I think that is a lot to carry. Our connections to a place allow us to feel settled and steady, giving a strong sense of home and it allows us to find spaces within that place that revive and energise us. I do understand that people often find Canberra a difficult and sterile place. I agree with some of your assessment of it - I think its true heart is well hidden.

The other thing that I am hearing in your posts is a sense of loss. Loss of independence and agency in your life. Your “new normal” has taken a lot of adjustment, and there is grief attached to the loss you are experiencing. A very important person in my life talked to me a lot about grief and she said she always felt that people expected you to “move on”, get over it, and she felt that was not fair or acknowledging of what it is like to deal with loss of any kind. She said she preferred to think she would “continue on” instead, move forward with the grief, but not on from it. She felt that was a much more realistic and Compassionate way of looking at it.

My thoughts are with you through the counselling with your husband and that you are able the heal the relationship and rebuild trust. Take care of yourself in that process.

SH

[Timshel]

Well fancy meeting you on this thread too SH....you are ubiquitous!

Thank you for your supportive words. I have found being on the BB site helpful and I’m glad you have too. It’s a first for me and I wasn’t sure what to expect. It really is good connecting with people who can understand why you might feel a certain way or whose feelings may even mirror yours in someway. I don’t always feel comfortable ‘having a whinge’ because I don’t want to give the impression that I think my problems are worse than other people’s. I absolutely do not. There are people out there suffering and struggling with problems far greater than mine. Some people’s life struggles literally break my heart.

You are absolutely right when you talk about connection to place and how important it is. I guess it’s what First Nations people mean when they talk about Returning to Country. There is a sense of both exhilaration and comfort when you are in a place you know you belong, whether it be your homeland or a place you call home. I have never felt like that in Canberra even though I have lived here for so long. If anything, I feel a sinking feeling when I return here after being away. I get the impression from your post that you are no stranger to Canberra. You seem to have a measured view of the place and you only agree with some of what I said.....sounds like you know something I don’t. You said Canberra’s true heart is well hidden. So I have to ask, where? I thought I’d looked everywhere...... Look, I concede there are a few positives, it’s an ‘easy’ place to live. Canberrans are well catered for in many respects. And again complaining about Canberra when people are living such harsh existences in other places around the world does seem very self indulgent on my part, I get that.

Your friend is absolutely right about loss and grief, you do carry it with you as you move on. And that’s okay, it’s proof of life and proof of love. You just have to do your best not to let it weigh you down so much that it breaks your spine.

Just recently my psychiatrist of 15 years passed away unexpectedly. It hit me hard. Obviously not as intensely as let’s say my parents’ deaths, but it still shook me. I had won the ‘psychiatry lottery’ with this man. He travelled a large part of my journey with me over the years. I trusted him and he never let me down. I will always be grateful to him. I will miss him enormously and remember him often.

As for my marriage, my husband seems 100% there already. Me ???

[SH-2600]

Hi Timshel,

You were up late or early! Sleep is elusive. This is all a first for me too, and I had no idea what to expect. I also keep things to myself for fear of being seen as negative and for not being appreciative of what I do have. I am privileged in lots of ways. In my job, I see kids and families in situations that really do break my heart. I am in their lives for a year or more and it gives me a better appreciation and understanding of how people find resilience and strength. When you know better, you do better, as you would say! It definitely applies to my work.

Talking about your experience of Canberra is not self-indulgent at all. I really wanted to acknowledge the effect of not having a connection to the place you have spent so many years. I don’t think the importance of its effect should be diminished by other’s experiences, including mine! Connection is such an individual thing, and what we need from a place is tied so intimately to who we are. I do know Canberra and for me its heart is in so many small places and things that all add up to something bigger. Contemplative spaces, walks, views, weather, hidden gems, places with knowledge and stories, community, diversity, and quirkiness. But these are the things that work for me. I came here from a very small town too, which I am also deeply connected to through 5 generations of my family, so my needs from the place I live are different, as they are for everyone. You don’t need to concede at all, your experience is exactly your experience.

The loss of your psychiatrist must have been devastating. Finding the right person to help is so hard. It is such a personal thing. It took me a long time to find the right psychologist and when I did, everything changed. Have you managed to find another to help you? One you connect with?

I know from what you have said that the marriage counselling with your husband is providing a space for honesty and for your voice to heard, but do you think you will/can get 100% there with your husband? And what will you need to get there? Do you think it is just time or is there more that you need ?

Also I am interested to know about your son, if you feel like talking about it. You mentioned in your first post that there were parenting issues. Does he know about the difficulties in your marriage? We haven’t told our kids (18 and 15 yo) that we are seeking counselling.

In the meantime, take good care.

SH

[SH-2600]

Hey Timshel

My turn to check in with you! I’m here if you want to chat. You are not on your own through any of this. If you feel comfortable, I would like to stay with you while you travel on your path too.

How are you feeling about your counselling session this week?

SH

[Timshel]

Hello again,

It feels strange going back and forward between two threads like this. Sort of like playing two characters in a play. Not that I have ever done that....

I feel okay about my next counselling session. It is good to have a chance to air your feelings in a ‘neutral’ environment and get an objective opinion on things. I am still struggling in some areas but improving in others. I have to say that things at home are going well and we are reconnecting on many levels. But there is still resentment there on my part and anger at the amount of time I had to spend banging my head off a brick wall hoping it would turn into a door! I feel like I’ve been pushing a boulder up a hill for years. And it has taken a huge toll. All that wasted energy.....

Speaking of energy, I’m a bit low on it tonight. So I’ll pick things up in more detail tomorrow if that’s okay.

Went to the dentist today thinking I needed a filling replaced. He told me that the sensitivity in my tooth was due to a ‘clenching’ habit I have apparently developed over time. From stress perhaps? Who me? Apparently I now have exceptionally strong jaw muscles! I decided to take that as a compliment! Still trying to work out what to do with such an attribute though.

Catch you later.

[SH-2600]

Hi Timshel,

Hmm...what to do with strong jaw muscles?? There must be a niche for that attribute out there somewhere! It does show just how much stress you are carrying.

It is weird chatting across two threads. But I really want to make sure that the reasons you came here are not lost. You know we both have trouble with that damn character limit, so the other thread ends up being mostly about me! I need to deflect the attention!! I am happy to talk in one thread, if that feels a bit more natural. You have a friend here, Timshel.

I am so glad things are improving with your husband and that you are reconnecting. I think that there is large cost associated with carrying the mental and emotional load in a relationship (aka, trying to make doors out of walls). Feeling resentment is a natural consequence of that. Maybe your husband will begin to understand that and will be able to find ways to take some of that load and add to your partnership in ways that restores the balance over time.

I hope some of your energy has come back today. Talk soon.

Take good care.

SH

[Timshel]

Hi SH,

I was hoping to spend a bit more time answering your posts on here tonight but got bogged down helping my son with an English assignment. Helping him with his homework is always an arduous affair which takes double the time it needs to as we always have to through the same routine first. “Put your phone away or I’m not helping you”, “Stop looking at your phone”, “You can’t possibly be concentrating on what I’m saying and talking to your friends online at the same time”, “I’m not doing this for you, I’m showing you how to do it for yourself” etc. etc. and bloody etc. Then of course there’s the fact that I have no idea why he needs my assistance in the first place, he knows everything about everything anyway!! Him being a ‘man of the modern world’ and me being a ‘relic from the olden days’. Ironically, his assignment tonight was on Macbeth, a 400 year old play for God’s sake!!!! Written by an old school friend of mine from the ‘olden days’ ..... Every time I help him with his homework I say “never again” and yet.....even though I know better, do you think a I can do better?? I love the kid to death but sometimes....The ‘ole jaw muscles were definitely getting a workout tonight! I could crack walnuts with them right now!

Anyway, I’ll get to your posts tomorrow so you can distract yourself a bit with my problems and give me your advice/perspective/opinions. The character limit thing is a bit of a nuisance, I have to admit. But what can you do.

We have our second counselling session tomorrow morning. 2 hrs this time. I’ll let you know how it goes. Then I have to see my GP tomorrow afternoon. He’ll have to take over my meds management now that my psychiatrist has passed away. I don’t know about trying to see another one just yet. I’ll talk to my GP and see what he reckons. I hate the idea of starting from scratch again with someone new. I had such a really good connection with this man and he knew me and my situation so well. It was just like catching up with an old friend for a chat. Apart from being a clinician with an abundance of medical knowledge, he was a keen observer of life and a very insightful and intuitive man. I learnt a lot from him, He was also very personable and an easy person to build a rapport with, having been a GP in a small country town for a number of years before studying psychiatry. I wasn’t seeing him all that often any more anyhow, just for my meds and if I needed him. But it was still nice knowing he was there.

Bye for now

[SH-2600]

Hi Timshel

Your description of helping your son with his homework made me laugh, but only because it was so familiar! Luckily for me, covid remote learning somehow turned my son into an independent and motivated learner. Go figure! He is in Yr 12 and right up until a couple of months ago our interactions over his learning sounded very much like you describe. He felt no compulsion to hand in anything on time without military level intervention! So the bad news is that if he is anything like my son, you may have a few more years of jaw-strengthening, headache-inducing homework interactions. Good luck! Luckily for us our daughter is a different story.

Your psychiatrist sounds like an absolute gem! And what a loss for all of his patients. It sounds like you have come a long way though, and have what you need to continue on. And I guess they are doing their job when we no longer need them as much. Telling and re-telling your story each time is hard, especially when you are looking around for the right professional for you. Having someone who knows you and connects with you is so important. The psych who helped me really understood me, and he was able to challenge and push me, while making me feel very cared for. I felt he was completely on my side and in my corner. It is rare, in my experience anyway. You mentioned that you still saw your psychiatrist “when you needed him”, I am wondering if there is someone else you could see if you needed to.

I hope your counselling session and GP visit went well today, I was thinking of you. How are you feeling about the counselling (if you feel like sharing)?

SH