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Three generational household

Oceantreasure
Community Member

I am a 58 year old woman very reluctantly living with my daughter and her two children.
She had been living with the children’s father and split and also with another partner later who has anger and violent tendencies. My daughter had split from the latter who is in jail. She still talks to him and loves him despite his abuse. I let her and the children come and live with me for her safety. I stated though that he is not welcome at my home. Before he went to jail he broke into my home by taking tiles off the roof and getting into the roof space.
I find it very hard to live with young children and feel Very angry and resentful that I have to have all this trouble. I just want to have my own life now and be in peace. My daughter is aware of this and tries to respect my needs and tries to contribute but I just don’t want to live with them. I’ve become introverted and burnt out and numb. I hate the mess, disorder, waste and noise. I’ve been there done that.
My daughter is a student nurse about to graduate so it’s hard at this time financially. When she graduates and is working she will get their own place. Any tips from people that live as a 3 generational family and staying sane please.

2 Replies 2

M99
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Oceantreasure,

Welcome to our forums and the beyond blue community. I have not being in a situation such as yours, however I fathom how frustrating it must be for you. It must feel conflicting between what you know you should do vs. what you want to do. That is you know you should help out where you can, however you also want your peace and safety which is reasonable.

It sounds like your daughter is in a difficult position, being a mother and a student must be difficult. However, I believe she is now an adult and has responsibility over her life. It is not your job to still be mothering her and her children. Helping someone else is not a crime, that is if the help is occasional. If it becomes more frequent, it could lead to dependency and an unhealthy relationship.

I think it is important you speak with your daughter about how your feeling in regards to the current situation, as no one should feel insecure and safe in their own home. It is not right that her partner broke into your house, that is not respectful to you nor your privacy.

For now, I hope you can find some close confidants or social support groups where you can express your thoughts and feelings to. Designing an area in the home where only you can access may help in providing some personal space and time alone.

Best,

M99.

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Oceantreasure,

Thank you for reaching out on the forums.

I understand how generations seem to function in different time zones (worlds!)- so chaotic, and fine in short bursts, but I see how this has negatively impacted on you. How long have you been in this situation?

You mentioned: "I let her and the children come and live with me" - Could you elaborate on how that conversation came about and what was discussed?

Your daughter seems under much duress with the children and incarcerated partner - right or wrong, she sounds determined to overcome.

You have been the helping hand your daughter needed in times of crisis, putting yourself second despite the imposition of unfortunate circumstances. Sorry it doesn't amount to much, but this is your crutch - you
did the right thing!

I do agree with M99 about zoning off 'mine, yours, ours' spaces, and I would add a 'neutral zone' for quiet time only - my house, my rules.

When you are in need, many years hence I trust, I am sure your daughter will remember the sacrifices you have made; as will your grandchildren when they are older. You may even look back on the disarray with some fondness.

Keep talking with your daughter - she sounds reasonable and aware of your contribution.