The guilt of breaking up with someone you love

[human03]

Hello, I was dating my ex girlfriend now for approx 4 years in that time we broke up 4 times. Our 3rd break up was around 1 1/2 years ago. We had NC for around 8 months, I then became seriously ill and contacted her, she was amazing jumped straight in and supported me through the 1st surgery and treatment, then things came up from previous breakup and broke up with me when I was feeling better. 2 months after I was due to have my next surgery, we got in contact again and she got back with me and again supported me through my next surgery and treatment, 6 months on and after 2 major surgeries and 6 months of treatment, which was before Christmas last year her mum got sick and other family issues on her side came up which I found it hard to support her as I was still dealing with depression and anxiety due to my illness.

In November last year I got good news that scans looked clear and I was happy for a short while, but then I started to feel really depressed and worried about the future, if the illness came back and I started getting angry a lot and started arguing with her on a weekly basis. Things came to the crunch when her mum got sick, and through bad communication I didnt pick her up from the station as she said that she organised another lift, which I found out later she caught the bus, because she didnt want to hassle me as I get anxious.

The day after we had a chat and she told me about catching the bus, I couldnt understand why she caught the bus. Then she said she wanted my support in a coming family event but as her ex was going to be there, I didnt want to go as this made me very anxious, she continued to preassure me and I snapped and said thats it lets be friends Ive had enough, I said a few bad things putting her down which I feel really bad about now and left.

Its over a month now, and I have had news that I need more scans so the journey continues with my health issues. I have since sent her 2 emails, a couple of txt msgs to apologise and explained how sorry I was and maybe she would be better off finding someone who can truly love her and support her. Theres been no reply which I guess its good, but my problem is that I would still like to be friends, and now the guilt is killing me. I have stated counseling and the advise is that with everything I have been through and still going through I being too hard on myself and should be kind to myself, but Im struggling everyday with this choice I have made.

[pipsy]

Dear human. I'm sorry to say this, but your emails were self orientated. There was no mention of her and her feelings, how much she may be hurting etc. You did admit you cared about her, but then you seemed to 'back track' by saying even though you care, you can't give her the love and support she needs. In other words, your idea of caring for her is totally opposite to how she cares for you. She wants to be loved and cared for, you can't offer her that because you don't feel the same. In time she may get in contact and want the friendship you offer, but for now I think leave her to 'lick her wounds' and care for her hurt. I think contacting you may hurt her more till she gets past the hurt she is feeling.

Lynda

[human03]

Thanks Lynda, You do make sense, however as I only revealed the ending of the email you dont really know what I said. You do make a good point about that I didnt ask about how shes feeling, but shouldnt the email be relating to my communication of how I ended the relationship? I mean the last thing I want is to give her mixed messages. If you have read my original email I do talk about my illness and how she supported me throught it and how I cant give her the support she really needs. I dont want to reveal my illness but I know that 50% of people that go through what I have been through and still going through suffer from depression and anxiety.

I know she understands what I have been through physically, but I dont think her and her family know what Im going through mentally. I havent worked for the last 12months so can you imagine how this is impacting me also. Hopefully Ill be going to work in a few weeks so that will be really helpful. I have been reading other posts and I can now understand how depression and anxiety can effect people. I just feel terrible what I said and how I couldnt support her, shes a wonderful woman and deserves better.

I just hope she understands that I really didnt mean to say some of the things I said. Anger is an emotion and you realise and regret what you said after.

[pipsy]

Hi human. I actually re-read your original email several times. Your ex understood where you were with your illness, she had been there for you, so reiterating how grateful you were possibly would've given her hope of something more than just friendship. You are correct when you say her family have no idea what you have been through mentally, the only one who fully appreciates the extent of your illness is you and your Dr. It's possible she does realize that your mind was 'foggy' when you 'lashed out'. Perhaps when you suggested she find someone who could love her as she should be loved, you were in a fog and said things without thinking. Depression causes us to say some pretty mixed up things. You know what you meant and how you meant it, all she knows is what she received and read and she has interpreted it the only way she can. You could try one more time emailing her. I suggest you start by saying how much you miss her and how you wish you could retract the things you said while in the fog (severe depression) you were encased in. Let her know the fog is lifting, but you are still experiencing 'dark days'. Ask her to take some time to think about whether or not she thinks enough of you to rekindle the warm friendship you value so much. Don't promise more than you can deliver. You could try explaining that depression causes us to often say things we don't mean, and we often drive away those we love and value, because we feel we're not good enough for their friendship, emphasis the friendship part so she has no illusions at this stage. If I received that sort of email, I'd be knocking down your door. At this stage, you have nothing to lose.

Lynda

[human03]

Hello, today I feel terrible. I had the scan today and I will find out in the next appointment when I see the doctor, Im feeling full of anxiety but all that I was thinking about is what a foolish mistake I made breaking up with my ex, she was the only one that really cared and now I feel alone and lost. Sometimes I even think if this life is really worth living, I know I wouldnt do anything stupid as I have my son to think about, but it keeps going through my mind why didnt I think things through before I made that choice to break up and say all these bad things about her. Im just so down its really killing me. Having said this

[human03]

Continuing from previous msg as It just closed on me. Having said this who knows maybe she was waiting for the right time so she could break up with me. She hasnt replied to my emails txt msgs, what the hell have I done.