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The five a's of love

Community Member

Have you ever wondered, what am I doing wrong, why don't I feel loved?

David Richo writes about what we can do to promote mindful loving via five skills. It will help if you can create a pact with your partner to learn these skills and practise them with each other. Isn't that what a partnership is all about?

The first skill is giving and receiving loving attention. Attention can arise from making thoughtful observations, from active listening, from acknowledging another's presence. It means giving focus to another and taking an interest in them. It means being attuned to their ways of being like their mood, feelings, activities, etc.

The second skill is to accept one another. This means not trying to change them, but accepting that each of us is on a journey in life that involves our own growth and development. It is useful if each of you takes responsibility for your own growth. That you act as partners in support of each other's development. Of course, feedback is important, but judgemental criticism, contempt, and abuse are not going to promote mindful loving.

The third skill is appreciation for each other. Talk to each other about what each of you brings to the relationship. What you are grateful for. Show your appreciation with your words and deeds. Celebrate together. Acknowledge strengths.

The fourth skill is affection for each other. This is about showing that you like each other, that you find things to admire in them. Warm feelings of love need to be expressed so that you know how each of you feels.

The fifth skill is allowing the other their needs, wants, and values. Again, the key is partnership to work towards goals. To communicate effectively. To work together to achieve what you want from life. It is saying yes, rather than no, but with respect for each other.

In summary, the five a's of love are attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. They are skills that need to be learned, developed and mastered. Practicing each with mindful awareness leads to a more loving relationship.


2 Replies 2

Community Member
Appreciate you sharing this, Sandra! What beautiful skills to remember and develop. Hoping this helps many people who are struggling in their relationships. I know it's definitely got me thinking!

Thank you for the lovely feedback and appreciation, Ken1. Getting people thinking was my aim. I have succeeded. Let's hope that more discussion is generated by those who translate thinking into doing.

Please let us know of any attempts you make to develop these skills of love.

Kind regards,