Stuck in the Past

[Ash5133]

So this is my first time actually opening up about whats going on but i am really struggling being single at the moment. My past experiences haven't been great, i have been used, betrayed, and forced into things i don't want. i have spent years trying to forget and suppress but the same things / problems keep coming up. All of my friends are currently in happy relationships and its getting hard to even hang out with them. I haven't been dealing with it too well and i feel like i spend more and more time by myself. I also recently broke my ankle which has stopped me from getting out of the house, all i do now is sit in my own terrible thoughts feeling more lonely everyday.

I still want to be able to hang out with my friends but how can i do that when all i feel is jealously for their happy relationships?

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Ash5133.

I am so glad you are talking about this and thinking about how you can recover from some of the bad experiences you have had. With support and work you will come to feel a lot better I reckon.

They way I think of it is this, I have no idea what other people are thinking, it's impossible. Many unhappy people appear happy so there is no way to judge where the realty is. So why would I waste my time comparing my self to someone else when I cannot judge their reality? In the end, the only person I should compare my self to is, my self! In other words, am I being the best I can be.

You can be on your own path and still be happy with your friends. Practice being happy for your friends for what they have, be a part of it, they want you in their lives. It might be challenging at first but it will get easier, fake it till you make it, all the time knowing that you will have a relationship when YOU are ready.

Jack

[Ash5133]

Thank you Jacko777,

That was really helpful i guess i do compare my happiness to what i see instead of really knowing what their reality is. Thats something i never really thought about, i just always assume the people around me are doing better then I am which is probably something i will have to work on.

[hawaiian_robot]

"They way I think of it is this, I have no idea what other people are thinking, it's impossible." Jack, this is such a true statement, I've been guilty of it in the past, but it's nearly impossible to take your perspective away from a situation and reconstruct what someone else thinks.

Ash, how long has it been since you've been in a relationship? It's a hard thing to readjust to after being with someone for so long. I know your friends would have no idea how it makes you feel, I was with friends and my flatmate, everyone else was in a r/ship except for me, but I was glad everyone else was with someone they like and were enjoying each other's company?

[Ash5133]

I've been single for about 4 years, I'm finding the more time i spend alone the harder it becomes. Last year i took the step to quit binge drinking (as it was getting pretty out of control) but ended up pulling alway from social events and now I've tried to come back to being social with out drinks and everyone is in a relationship, i am happy for them but I still feel very disconnected.

[hawaiian_robot]

I quit drinking, and it's been one of the best things I've done, coming up to a year in 2 weeks! There is a serious period of readjustment, and it took a long time before I felt I could go to a bar with friends and be comfortable not having a drink, but you'll get there :). There are great support forums out there, the reddit r/stopdrinking was really good for me, they have a daily check-in thread that you can update as you like.

My second to last relationship was after a gap closer to 10 years than 4, it's really hard, but it is absolutely doable. I also met her through a group of new friends I made, which was a nice bonus. Your ankle isn't a great situation to be in either, but it'll eventually heal, and/or you'll adjust to being able to make your way about with crutches.

[Ash5133]

yeah it has been a long process i just keen falling into very emotional states and sometimes feel like giving up but i know i need to push through it, thank you for sharing your own experience with me it make me feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I guess i just didn't expect how hard all these changes would be but i plan on continuing seeking support and share my feelings a bit more . Thank you for listening 🙂

[hawaiian_robot]

All these little things can build up and compound on each other, and sometimes we just feel hopeless or need to totally take a step back. Bit of an obvious question, but are you seeing a professional to help you work through the issues with previous partners? You really need to find the right therapist, but man, it's so great when you actually do just click with them!

I'm really only a newbie here myself, but the folks here always have great advice, and won't beat around the bush with you. Hope things look up for you real soon 🙂

[Ash5133]

I have previously seen a 2 psychologists but never really connect with them nor could I truly open up. Im currently on the search again but i guess i will have to keep looking till i find someone i feel comfortable talking with.

[hawaiian_robot]

It's a bit of trial and error, unfortunately. But, stick with it, and you'll get better, little bit by little bit. All the best 🙂